Today during a therapy session the therapist told me I unconsciously look for men who end up hurting me. Like somehow my brain knows a man is going to do me harm and therefore I choose him.
Honestly, I'm tired of this BS that blames women for the traumas we suffer at the hands of men.
I know we need to be careful, that's why we vet for red flags and all. But it's so unfair to say we actively look for men who hurt us because of childhood trauma or whatever. We already feel guilty for everything, we are already blamed for male violence, it's just not useful.
I think it's best to make women understand we are not the problem. Yes, we must work on our choices, understand where they come from, why we like what we like, why we repeat mistakes, etc. But it's different than blaming a woman for the trauma someone else caused her, even if she isn't consciously aware of it.
Funnily enough, minutes before this cliche moment, I told the therapist about how stupid i was with a "friend" who I invited to go drink a soda. She is much younger and still in college, doesn't have a job yet, so I offered to pay for her drink (because I know how sad it is to refuse doing something with your friends when you're young and broke). She agreed and when we arrived at the restaurant she simply decided to order something to eat as well. I kept my word and paid the bill. Welp, the kid didn't even say 'Thank you'. I should have paid for the drink and nothing else. Well, the therapist said that her actions said a lot about her and nothing about me and therefore I shouldn't feel stupid because I was just being nice to someone who decided to take avantage of me. Then 5 minutes later she tells me I'm responsible for choosing "the wrong men" when they took advantage of me in a much worse scenario. Like, wtf????
And then she said not all men hahahah 🤣
I'm starting to realize therapy is a scam.
i'd have to agree in that case. why does that therapist make excuses for grown-ass men (ah yes, world leaders, it's not their fault, it's yours) and not an18-year old college girl? dafuq
That's why I choose fds as my therapist. And my closest of friends. Even therapy can sometimes be toxic. And the ones who need it the most (we know who I'm talking about) never get it, because they Don'T NeEd iT.
There are good therapist but there are also a lot of bad ones. Therapy is not a scam though. I would not be alive if it weren't for therapy.
Men ask women out not the opposite. We have littlecontrol over who asks us out, and since bad guys act just like good guys in the beginning, it's oftentimes hard to tell what you're choosing. Most of us are choosing the guy who pretended to be Prince Charming not his evil Black Knight doppelganger that we end up with.
I've had terrible experiences with counselors. I finally found a good one, but she went remote during Covid and our remote sessions were terrible. She was often distracted and I could tell she was clicking around and typing, multitasking (badly) and didn't give a crap what I was talking about. She went back to in-person, but I'm so insulted at how our last session went that I don't think I want to go back. It's a bummer.
As a psychologist who is very pro-FDS, I want to chime in and say there are many different types of therapy. And some do perpetuate the whole idea that certain people draw in the abusers or seek out the abusers (which I don't agree with, to keep it simple) and can come off as victim blaming. I've had therapists myself who were kinda victim blamey towards me or would act as if my reaction was the problem when the abuse was the real problem and triggered an appropriate response. There are...not so great therapists out there and there are phenomenal ones, too. But for folks who don't want to do therapy, I think Baggage Reclaim is THE best resource outside of therapy itself. Then beyond that, Dr. Ramani's videos on YouTube and FDS.
Therapy treats all people, especially when used in counseling, like they are equal. Abusers and cheaters are not equal to innocent parties, and men are not equal to women, especially in a patriarchy.
I had to tell MY therapist that rape is a male problem, and she brought up how men get raped, and at 15 fucking years old, I shared the stats that 99% of rapists are MEN, even though women COULD drug dudes and grind on them and play with their assholes or some sick shit that only men do to other people.
As a therapist, yes, people tend to repeat our patterns. That's not just in dating, but in all life. If you want to break the pattern it helps to first recognise what's going on.
Now, I don't know you or what your patterns are. You can discover whether there's any truth in her hypothesis. But it doesn't sound, from your words, as if she were blaming you - though it was certainly what was recieved. If she's worth her salt as a therapist you can bring this up next session and hash it out.
Well for me I chose men who were abusive because my dad was abusive. So it's still men's fault. Yes I was repeating childhood pattern, but it's beacuse that's the only pattern I was familiar with.
Environmental factor also plays a role, if everyone arounds us tells us bdsm is just a kink then ofcourse we would " choose" abusive men.
It's not your fault.
Some therapists are awful. Try to find a based one. I got really lucky twice and therapy has been great for me.