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I have bipolar/manic depression and cptsd from trauma. And this was one of my favorite posts from FDS ever.
The vacuum post about the Dream Girl got me thinking about this whole ideal about dating as a woman that is neurodivergent, but hopefully everyone can get something out of it. Also this is long af, but I tried to make a TLDR at the bottom.
It should surprise exactly no one that LVM/NVM men tend to date parasitically based on what their lives lack. For example, we see a lot of men who want a mommy or bangmaid because they’re filthy, lazy and view romantic relationships in solely sexual terms. There are men who want therapist girlfriends because they lack the ability to be alone with their thoughts and have shallow, unfulfilling relationships with other men. These are all pretty well-documented on FDS.
But a big subset of men, that I haven’t seen discussed much is boring men projecting their own insecurity of their lame lives in the form of a manic pixie dream girl...friend. For the uninitated, MPDG is a trope where women only exist to show smart-yet-boring, unhappy men how exciting life can be if they jUsT eMbRaCe non-conformity. MPDG’s have no wants, needs or demands for their lives, their only purpose is to support a man’s journey towards personal growth. They allow men to get everything they want with none of the responsibility for reciprocity.
It’s a trap that I frequently find myself forced into, and something I have to be constantly aware of. I have ADHD which makes me a uniquely intense person to be around, and I want to caution other ADHD/neurodivergent ladies to take special care to watch for this behavior. Men, but especially LVM/NVM men, are drawn to our demeanor because they think we’re interesting and novel. This type of man is a combination of a desperate desire to be the savior/hero and the cool, deep guy.
This type of man is much more insidious than the your garden variety bangmaid-seeker, mostly because on the surface, they seem genuinely interested in your hobbies, values, and joie de vivre. They ask lots of questions about your life, and ask your opinions and follow-up with other questions showing they’re actually listening to you. They tell you how much they admire your outlook. All good right? After all, aren’t these HVM qualities?
Wrong.
Look I’m not necessarily saying to bail on someone the second they show a deeper interest in your life, just to proceed with caution. Yellow flag. Take a timeout. Because men with nefarious intentions have a contradictory desire to both take care of us and be us... but like a lesser version since they view as “too much”, inferior, or stupid. They want us to rely on them, and keep us for themselves and their needs.
And it’s really easy to become infatuated with men who seemingly accept and value our quirks. They like our energy and encourage us to be our creative selves, our hot take opinions are welcomed, they validate our struggles, and can help us temporarily forget our insecurities about not being enough. They simultaneously admire our eccentricities, yet explicitly prey on us because we can’t hide our vulnerabilities as easily. They know we tend to be eager to please and exploit this for their own benefit.
We’re special to them because we reject the status quo (even though many of us don’t have the option to function in the norm), something they desperately wish they could do. We’re kind, empathetic, and often willing to accept shitty behavior because we understand what it’s like to struggle for acceptance of who you are, or because in the moment we can’t recognize that the behavior is objectively wrong and not linked to something we did.
Many men attracted to us are having some kind of life or identity crisis. They use us to make themselves feel like they’re interesting, that they haven’t wasted their lives precisely following the outline given to them by society. They want excitement and novelty, but from a safe distance, and can disengage if it gets too uncomfortable.
These men want to put your under glass to perpetually observe, they want to siphon your energy hoping that it will make them as exciting and interesting as we are. We are not faeries captured in bottles, butterflies pinned under a display case, or fodder for energy vampires.
WE ARE NOT SUPPORTING CHARACTERS IN MEN’S LIVES. WE DO NOT EXIST SO MEN FEEL LIKE THEIR LIVES HAVE MEANING. WE DO NOT EXIST TO SHOW MEN HOW TO LET GO AND ENJOY LIFE. WE ARE NOT TOYS TO PROVIDE NOVELTY.
Because eventually, the excitement of having this qUiRkY, iNtErEsTiNg girlfriend wears off, and the day-to-day reality sets in. It’s not fun anymore. Your stimming is embarrassing and annoying, your timing is inappropriate, your life is too tumultuous. Our needs go unmet because they require patience, yet we’re gaslit to think the cause of our relationship issues are 100% because of our neurodivergence and we work 3x as hard to try to fix things.
They’ll work through their crises at our expense and once they feel they got to live impulsively for a while, realized they like the status quo better because it’s easier. They leave us for someone who can give them the stability they’re used to. This leaves us to feel blindsided and confused because we thought they liked us for who we were.
We don’t deserve to have our needs neglected, be gaslit because we process the world differently, or feel like failures because we can’t meet a literal impossible standard of no emotional wants or needs.
TLDR: A big, long rant about how boring LVM/NVM force neurodivergent ladies to play the manic pixie dream girl role so they feel like their lives mean something. Be extra careful and vet carefully. We have way too much to offer to let some selfish jerk siphon our energy or make us feel unworthy. You deserve better :)
EDIT: Wow I wasn’t expecting this kind of response! I’m a little saddened that so many of us have had this collective experience, but I just want to take the time to validate every single woman’s experience in this thread. Your experiences are true and your intuitions are accurate. None of us deserve to be treated like this and I hope that we all can see our value and strength in a world that’s doesn’t understand us ❤️
This was my fling last year before I saw the radfem light. I envied his boring job and good health but in hindsight it's nothing to be envious of. He was totally locked out of life like a robot. Life with ADHD requires intense vetting and strategy. Not just with dating but with friends, organization, food, sleep, emotion regulation and strict self care rules. He was boring and I knew it deep down. I was "not like other girls" of course. Lol. That was the last time I let someone in before thoroughly vetting them. I know better now ❤️
Ooh I have a tip for figuring out if he is interested in your hobbies or just mirroring you.
If he asks you basic entry level shit that can be easily googled, after allegedly picking up your hobby, he is most likely just mirroring you and forcing you to interact with his mundane questions. Its also lazy lol.
If he comes to you with new (to him) information and favorite parts/preferences green flag
"Because men with nefarious intentions have a contradictory desire to both take care of us and be us... "
I have witnessed men copy women more than women copy each other and its blowing my mind right now
Its so important for neurodivergent women to vet as hard as possible. Especially training your brain according to the FDS standard, specifically having standards, knowing yourself and what you want and remembering the danger of being careless is so crucial and totally changed me as an ADHDer.
I have realized that my condition is a huge factor in my decisions regarding my dating life and now I know exactly what I want in a guy.
I am so unimpressed by boring guys and especially by old guys, they want me to be the bUbBlY aNd YoUtHfUl one. Screw you old man, I am the one who needs the stimulation more than you. It honestly is the positive side of ADHD, I am basically forced to go for interesting, fun and exciting (in a balanced and healthy way) kinda guys and I am so grateful. Additionally, someone who is really compassionate and sweet and respects the struggle.
What you talk about is something I would have definitely fallen for in the past and I am glad you are pointing it out!
How do we determine that he isn’t playing saviour? I agree a lot with this post regarding the elements about the guy finding you fin and exciting at first, but draining once you get into a relationship. I also want to know how do you ease into letting them know what a life with you truly entails? I think they get caught up in the fun and think adhd or autism is a cute quirk, rather than a disability.