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Edited: Oct 02, 2023

My male cousin in his 70s keeps pushing my dad for my phone number.

I don't know where to post this - this is not a dating situation, but it is most definitely a scrotatious situation. I'm in my early 40s. My dad comes from a large family - though most of the people in his generation have died off, the younger generation is still alive. He has a nephew that calls him from time to time (and vice versa). Lately, the nephew (I'll call him TJ) has been asking to talk to me. It's becoming more insistent. I have a brother, and yet TJ never requests to talk to him. The thing is, TJ is not just religious but of the type of religiosity where he could be the kind of guy who doesn't care if apostates are killed. And that leads me to saying this...according to that community, I'd be an apostate, and I don't want him to know. I'm worried if the man starts bringing up religion to me, if I'm "forced" to talk to him. I don't know why TJ wants to keep in touch with me, when he's not asking the same for my male sibling. I'm worried that he has this particular son that is not married and that I'll be prodded to talk to that son. I wish I could refuse to talk to TJ, let alone have him know my contact info. Am I going to be compelled eventually to talk to him, or should my dad keep trying to tell TJ "I'll let her know," as he is already? Although my dad doesn't like it, he thinks it's important that I "keep in touch with the relatives," but this relative is bad news.

9 answers0 replies

Comments (9)

db009

Oct 02, 2023

This may not be the response you are looking for, but I am well and truly done with bad behaviour from men and the expectation that we either have to put up with it or placate them.

If your gut is telling you that something is wrong then listen to it. It's telling you what your brain hasn't figured out.

I wouldn't be providing any contact details that I'm not comfortable with. I would just ask "why do you want them?" and then respond accordingly.

I also think it's telling that your dad hasn't given them out. Yes, family is important, but it has to be earned.

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hamburgerfries

Oct 03, 2023

Replying to

I'm glad that my dad hasn't given anything out yet, but he's of the type that you should keep in touch with your relatives even if they're not that good, simply because they're relatives. So far, my dad hasn't done anything without my go-ahead, but my cousin will probably start to pester him until he can't take it anymore, which concerns me.

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privatepirate

Oct 03, 2023

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That happened with a cousin of mine who hit me up back when I had Facebook. Telling me that we should catch up and get to know each other, but we didn't even know each other as kids. He sounds kinda similar to yours actually, and has some pretty extreme political and religious views he would talk about openly online. Ones I do not agree with at all with some racist undertones.

I can tell we would not get along and something seemed very off about it from the beginning of him contacting me.

I'd stay firm you don't want to talk to him, if he does get your info ignore him, you don't have to give your number to anyone or talk to anyone you don't feel right about. Being blood related doesn't mean that you owe him anything. If it feels off, something is off.

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hamburgerfries

Oct 03, 2023

Replying to

I realized I could get a burner number through Google Voice, if push came to shove, but I hope I don't have to do that either, because I simply don't want to deal with him.

db009

Oct 03, 2023

Replying to

I'm saying this with kindness, but you are really overthinking it. You are not obligated to give out your contact details if you don't want to.

If your dad wants to keep in touch with him then that is his choice and nothing to do with you. You can explicitly tell your dad to not give out your details for XYZ reasons and if your dad does, then you won't answer calls or text messages. Your dad should respect your wishes on this.

You are creating extra work for yourself by setting up burner phone, Google voice etc.

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hamburgerfries

Oct 02, 2023

I wish I'd gotten a wee bit of help on this one 😕

Edited to add: at the time I wrote this comment, I hadn't received any reply for 12 hours. Now I have.

Edited

Unknown member

Oct 02, 2023

Replying to

The only real advice I can think of is if your father gives this relative your phone number, don't answer it and don't respond to any texts he sends you. He might give up if he doesn't get a response. If you're called out on it, play dumb and say something like "Oh were you calling me? Sorry, I'm really bad about answering my phone" and continue to ignore any calls or texts. Remember, just because somone calls doesn't mean that you have to answer. Phones can be ignored.

hamburgerfries

Oct 02, 2023

Replying to

Thank you for your response. It isn't only that I'm "stubborn" and "don't want to keep in touch," I just think there's something really awkward about his request and the insistence of it, given the age gap between us. He also is so hardline-religious that I don't feel safe for him to know that I'm not of his faith anymore.

Unknown member

Oct 02, 2023

Replying to

I agree that he doesn't sound like a safe guy to be around. When I suggested using the line "Sorry, I'm really bad about answering my phone", I meant that you would use that as an excuse just to be polite. It's been my experience that calling out toxic people can actually make them worse. It's often better to just distance yourself in a way that gives you plausible deniability e.g. "I'm busy" or "I'm really bad at texting/answering my phone".

My male cousin in his 70s keeps pushing my dad for my phone number.

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