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I broke up with my LVM ex two years ago, we dated for 3 tears. He had emotionally cheated on me a year into the relationship, with my friend letting me know of this. He got defensive when I brought this whole thing up, and told me to stop speaking to my friend so that this could "blow over"--when I asked what I needed to work on (I was a pick me), he said I need to basically be less clingy 🤮🤮 He has invalidated my needs before—I’ve expressed my need for more communication during the start of the pandemic, and when those needs weren’t met, I was starting to be dry and when he asked what was wrong and I told him, he called my concerns “dumb shit” and stopped speaking to me for three days after. He's been to a strip club before with a single friend, and said he didn't mind if a male stripper danced on me 🤡🤡
The ultimate reason that I broke up with him is because he ghosted me—It was approaching our three year anniversary—I had not seen him for months prior to that. He asked if we could go out for our anni and I said yes—I was the one who made the plans, I tried getting him to help with the planning but nothing. We agreed on a date, but he then told me his mother wasn’t feeling well. I said okay we can reschedule for the week after and he said sure. A day before, I asked him if we were still okay to go, and he said he couldn’t because he had to stay with his mom. I said oh okay, please let me know if you need anything and I even asked what was wrong with her, as I was genuinely worried. He read my message and didn’t respond.
Three days went by and I got concerned, texting him and even calling him to see what had happened and if they were okay. I found out what happened with his mother through a mutual friend—she had a tooth infection and a bit of sciatica. He was on social media, yet he couldn’t message me or call me back.
10 days later, still nothing from him. At that point, I had an anxiety attack and wasn’t eating or sleeping well. He had ghosted me, and I had had enough. I broke up with him through text because every single bout of communication was left unanswered, and I was not going to drive to his home. When he read the breakup text, he called me and said, “you know I’m going through a lot with my mom and it’s my birthday coming up, who am I going to celebrate with?”
He also compared me to his previous ex (saying our relationship was filled with love and trust while him and his other ex didn’t have that) and basically told me that he wanted to get married at 30, which is weird because we never talked about marriage, kids, where we'd live, any future really (although he did lovebomb me months into knowing me, saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, we were 18).
I don’t know how to heal from this, I understand I was the dumper but it was for a reason. I’m super scared to get emotionally close with someone anymore, and I know I have to break out of it one day. I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been, but some days I feel guilty, but I remind myself why I left and it always seems to help.
If you don’t hear from your boyfriend at least once every 24 hours, you don’t have a boyfriend. What reason on earth does this man have to fall off the face of the earth? Is he deployed to war, and his platoon only has 1 satellite phone between them to share? I only got 10 minutes per week on the phone during our first deployments due to the infrastructure not being set up. You don’t have a boyfriend, dear. You are part of a harem of women that he sees whenever he wants to, and he keeps you believing via a few words that you’re still together. And he’s low enough to use his mother’s illness as a cover for his activity with other women. Block and delete him. Once a man ghosts you, it’s OVER. You can never trust him again. Want to get pregnant and have him ghost you? Because that’s what’s coming for you in the future. Want to get sick, and have him ghost you? He’s ghosting you when all is well. He will NOT be there for you when anything goes badly for you. Please at least pretend to have high self esteem, and block him. Eventually, after you stand up for yourself enough, you will have that self esteem. Now it’s time to practice. Good luck.
Honestly the time to break up was the emotional cheating. Live and learn; you’re here now and we are here for you. By not breaking up with him then, he realized he could treat you any way he wanted and you had no real boundaries. Cue the rest of this post; he knew you would always be there for him. Take your time to level yourself up and pursue hobbies. Get back in touch with any friends or family you might have neglected. Make amends with yourself, family, friends, community. Then think about boundaries and outline those to yourself. What are dealbreaker behaviors in a man (ie all the annoying, shitty things he did in this post) that make you feel bad, not important, left out? That’s when you take the initiative and say thank you we are done, have a nice life somewhere else. Hard lessons but don’t beat yourself up. We’ve all been there. Our mistake is usually dealing with a man like we do other women, in good faith, open, upfront, no agenda. Always remember that for the vast majority of men, their axis is power and control, while our axis is usually cooperation and collaboration. Well done breaking it off and learning some lessons. Glad you’re here.
I resonate with your story. My first bf (when I was 19) did very similar things. The emotional cheating, the stonewalling, the ghosting when we were close to our anniversary... I also stopped eating and sleeping properly and I wasn't doing well in school. It's been 3 years and I still get angry sometimes thinking of all the shit I endured and didn't deserve. I don't have as much of an advice, but I too feel incredibly happy when single and the only things I remember of 'being in a relationship' are the anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks and suffering. Basically I associate having a partner with misery.
I'm sure we can overcome the fear of ever being in such a position again but the tools FDS gives to women are exactly what we need. We should've dumped our stupid exes at the first red flag but now we know better! Keep leveling up, go to therapy, try to heal and enjoy life as it is now💖
He has a lot of red flags even before the one year. You should’ve dumped him long time ago and what you are suffering with is called trauma bonding. Go to therapy and love yourself. He is not deserving of you at ally
I am sorry you had to go through this! I have a very specific tip here that helped me be ruthless without any guilt. I advice you to watch the youtuber Deborah Cooper. She is hilarious, intense and helpful. Hopefully helpful to you too.
So sorry you went through this. Being ghosted is the worst. It takes a while for the internal torment to abate, but when it does, you’ll be stronger and happier than ever. He’s a narcissist, and so undeserving you. Look into hypnosis to take some of the sting away, (there are some resources on YouTube) but ultimately give it time. Don’t resist the pain, let it pass, take deep breaths through your nose and release through your mouth. I’ve been ghosted before, and now when I remember him (which only happens when I hear stories like yours) I feel mostly apathy and mild disgust. The thought that I was ever with him makes my skim crawl. It gets much much better.