.png)
I don't know if it's the idea of him that is keeping me from moving on--the good things that I think about that have never and will never happen. I've read my 7 page shit list, I've tried to reroute my brain into thinking of the bad things that happened to stop me from thinking of the fake good and the real good that happened. Every engagement I see, every marriage, every relationship I see in social media, makes me wish I didn't break up with him, because maybe we could have had that. It also brings me to the point where I want to unblock him, but never do. I should think that the cheating, emotional absence, ghosting, and invalidation would be more than enough red flags to weigh more than a limp green flag.
I keep telling myself that it's okay to care for him and his family--you're a good person and it's normal. I keep telling myself that you couldn't imagine doing the things that he did to you, to another person, because you have empathy and emotional intelligence. Maybe I would've gotten closure with him when he asked to catch up months after the breakup that I caused after his ghosting for over a week. Maybe then would I have peace of mind than what I have right now.
Somedays I'm okay, but other days makes me want to stay in bed for the whole day and never come out. It's been almost three years since the breakup, and I don't have the urge to meet someone new--there are probably good men out there, but I don't want to be emotionally involved to the extent that I was with my ex. I don't want to get hurt again.
3 years. Fck that. you deserve a quality, fulfilling life. Therapy. Now!
I think closure is totally overrated. It's like we want him to sit across from us and repent for all his sins and wrongdoings. We want him to proclaim we are the best thing that ever happened to him. He knows he fcked up and realizes you are far too good for him....or something along those lines.
Closure opens the door to just more manipulation and gaslighting. Fck his perspective. Fck his conscience & Fck whatever his opinion is on anything. It doesn't matter what he thinks... about you, your previous relationship, his feelings, etc.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that and that your brain still puts you in his clutches, so to speak. I wish I had some advice for you but just know I'm going through the exact same thing, and this week has been especially hard for me with missing my ex after 1 year, so I am glad you posted this today. I have the same thing where I don't know if I'll ever be ready for getting involved with someone else. It seems like a far-off possibility. I am SO proud of you for staying strong enough to not reach out to him though!!! And for not responding to his "catch up" message. You should really give yourself more credit for these triumphs and take it as a sign that you WILL eventually get past him.
Please read the FDS handbook if you have not yet already. You need to regain your sense of power as a woman. You need to be reminded of your self worth. That’s what the handbook will do for you. Grief and getting over heartache has no timeline. However, if you are asking for help on how to move on, you must see how you are the prize and start loving yourself like crazy. Men will come and go. He was not your guy. This may not be your last breakup. You cannot let your life crumble every time a guy mistreats you. You must learn your worth. We are incredible creatures - us women.
Trust yourself/voice. It IS the idea of him keeping you from moving on.
It’s a projection of the things you wish for, want.
It’s fine to care about him, but not to put your life on hold because of the 'could be/been'.
Dust yourself off, when you’re ready, and find the things you want in life/another person. I found that considering other people helped me to start the process of moving on, as you see what you do want in other people. In actuality, rather than wishfully wanting them in your ex.
Not unblocking him is STRENGTH. You can use all that is beautifully you, to go out there and live.
I too struggled with giving up the "plan" I had for my life which obviously included my ex (and generally, a partner to share a life with). Breakups are like a death, you have to grieve a version of the future you imagined that has stopped to exist. Allow yourself to feel the grief. You can't will it away. That said, when you're ready, try to develop a new idea of the future. I find that this has helped me immensely. I identified what my values are and how I can align my life with those more and more as time passes. I can imagine a life where I'm fulfilled and happy which doesn't include a man. I encourage you to do the same: what is it about marriage etc. that makes you feel like you can't have it unless you're partnered? Maybe you'll find that there is nothing you truly need a man for. Cuddles, sharing of duties, orgasms, you can get everything somewhere else. At the moment, you probably don't want to, and that's okay. But there will be a time where it might be easier to think about your ideal single life, and when that time comes, you have to envision it as best as you can. Spare no detail, down to where you want to live, what your daily routine will be, what you will do for holidays, ... The only way to get over something is to replace it with something better. And that can be your peace of mind, your newfound vision, maybe companionship with friends...
Oh. Wow. I could have written this word for effing word! 3 years too!! 💔💔😭😭