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Hi queens! Long time lurker, first time poster. I'm seething with anger and I really need to tell about my history, so this is gonna be long.
I grew up with an abusive single mom and undiagnosed ADHD, so to say that I used to be naïve is an understatement. When I was young I was a tomboy - I didn't like dresses, I loved playing football and stuff like that. It was hard for me to maintain friendships with girls, so I often hung out with boys instead. Following subtle social cues like eye contact and facial expressions was extremely hard for me, and those were crucial things when hanging out with girls, so I got left out often. It was extremely painful and I was often very lonely.
I subconsciously started to resent girls/women and didn't feel safe with them. After all, they had left me alone so many times. (Not to forget my own mother, who abused me emotionally.) I didn't feel safe with girls. I swallowed the whole "I'm not like other girls" misogynistic nonsense with hook, line and sinker. Everything girly seemed stupid, corny and weak. Now I know that most of my pain and misconceptions about womanhood was because I didn't know that I was neurodivergent. Add some patriarchal brainwashing and voilá! I was the perfect pick me.
I've been following FDS for about a year and a half (?) now. My journey has been long and hard, but I've made huge progress. I couldn't even call myself a queen at first! It took me MONTHS, my self esteem was that bad. Anyway. I'm from Northern Europe so some FDS stuff has seemed... way too American for me. Surely there are cultural exceptions about male behaviour? Surely FDS can't be right about everything? The hardest part about FDS for me to swallow was the statement that women and men can't be friends. I thought that was preposterous. Of course it's possible! Maybe it's an American thing? Welp. Turns out that FDS was right about this one too. FDS IS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH A MAN. EVER. PERIOD. Last night a male "friend" of mine confessed that he had a crush on me, and I'm devastated. I thought we were actual, platonic friends. I thought he was different. I've told him sensitive stuff about my life I haven't even told some of my closest female friends (big mistake!). I've also hugged him several times, and I'm not a hugger! He made me feel safe. (Part of that is because he's tiny.) But he told me that those hugs made him think that maybe there was something else. Fuuuuuck. When I said that I don't have any romantic feelings about him, he took it well, and I gave him the illusion that we'll be friends in the future too. (We're gonna be in the same online DnD group at least once so it's inevitable that I'm gonna bump into him.) But in reality I feel sick. I feel betrayed. All those times I poured my heart and soul to him and he was supportive... he had a crush on me and a hidden agenda THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME. It's literally ALL MEN. ALL MEN ARE THE SAME. MEN ARE NOT OUR ALLIES. MEN ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS. I'm so furious!!! I also had an epiphany about another guy: a guy who I've known almost 20 years IS NOT MY FRIEND EITHER. He never wants to hang out with me and he never asks about my life or anything like that BECAUSE HE'S NOT INTERESTED IN ME ROMANTICALLY AND/OR SEXUALLY. And that makes me feel betrayed too. And so, so angry. Another pipe dream came crashing down. I thought he was my real friend too. But he wasn't. I'm devastated.
This is really the last straw for me. From now on I will keep iron clad boundaries with men. You can be pals and acquaintances with men, sure. Wish happy birthday, have small talk, be in the same hobby group, stuff like that. But for the love of God, KEEP A FUCKING DISTANCE. Keep it LIGHT. Because no matter where in the world you live, men. Are. All. The. Same.
It's a rude awakening when you realize that FDS is right about everything. Often, we only learn through going against the FDS rules and we find out what happens. I just stay away from men and am becoming more indifferent to them. It's a liberating feeling.
It happens every single time. Every damn time. Right now, I literally only have one male acquaintance since I own my own business and don't have to speak to anyone in person. This year, I gave having male acquaintances a chance, through friendship groups, aaaand the same thing happened again. I had to cut off two of them in a harsh way so they understand never to contact me again.
The "FDS and feminism (all waves) and #metoo were right about everything" beacon goes off a lot in my brain when I actually think about how I'm treated.
Even male family members can be depraved. I know a woman who stayed with family friends while doing her masters abroad. They were very close family friends and considered her family. One of the guys her age always thought they were related, like cousins somehow. They treated her like a sister. She has known them for 13 years now, since their teen years. Recently she explained to him that they were not actually blood related but their parents were such close friends that they may as well be family. He was so shocked that they were not related and kept saying over and over again, "are we really not related?" And immediately after hearing this information he asked her if he could kiss her. She was shocked and disgusted. He was on a break with his "on again off again" girlfriend at the time. Two days later he proposed to his on again off again girlfriend. So also be careful of the way brothers, fathers, brother-in-laws, cousins, uncles , grandfathers, great uncles, etc view you. They may only hold back because other men would judge them and they'd have to answer to men in the family. Most abuse of women and girls is by someone they know.
Men are never your friend, They pretend because all the so called men I gave a chance to be my friend all asked for nudes while I never engaged in sexting, my conversations were always respectful but they always try to get more.
I had a person who was always kind or so it seemed when he was drunk he was sending perverted messages for no reason. if you are not marrying them don't deal with them. Don't hang out or anything that might give them an idea they can manipulate you into giving more.
Being friends with men only works in their benefit because they have access to your time without dating you. I had some 45 year old bastard saying he wants to be my friend. Nope I will not even come near them.
If you bring up the idea that women and men can't be friends in subreddits designed for women, such as TheGirlSurvivalGuide, you'll likely encounter a strong response from women asserting that women and men can be friends. They firmly believe that men can form platonic friendships with women without developing romantic feelings, which is not true.
This is why the FemaleDatingStrategy subreddit NEEDS to stay public because there just isn't any other public space on the internet like it.
My husband screamed at me 24 years ago, "L, no man wants to be just your friend! All men are waiting for you to get drunk or vulnerable enough to get their dicks wet!" At the time, it shocked me, but I knew in my heart he was right. A woman can definitely be platonic friends with a male, but they're incapable of doing the same. Obviously, we have to be friendly at work with males to be able to get the job done, but we should never mistake their nature which is to conquer.
Older woman here, and maybe I am still naive in this area, but I have had male friends, some for well over 20 years, who have never been inappropriate with me. Most from work, some from online, but I do think it's possible, with caveats.
It helps if you don't touch, or do only functional touch like tapping a shoulder or arm if you need his attention. It helps if you make it explicit that you're only comfortable with side hugs (as in arm around each other for under five seconds, bump hips, done). Not too much eye contact, limit your smiles, don't disclose super-personal info. That's kind of how I relate to everyone anyway, but men especially. And I must say, it helps if they are what I call "activity friends" where you meet when you're doing a specific activity esp with other people around. I don't ever just hang out one-on-one with men; has to be a small group or I'm out.
I get to know people slowly anyway, but this is what's worked for me. And yes, overall, I double or triple the time with men before referring to them as a real friend. I might call them that when chatting with others, just because it's easier, but in my mind there are limits and a timeline. Once again, two big thumbs up for slowing down all relationships. Anyone who rushes has an agenda that only benefits them, never you. Anyone who's capable of going slowly, taking things as they come, not pushing for more contact, is generally going to be okay to get to know.