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This post is inspired by another post about shaming each other when we have opposing viewpoints.
Lately, in FDS, I have seen so much bickering and shaming and insulting and negging and gaslighting, etc. than I’d expect from uniting women who should be holding each other up. We should be curious, not angry, when another woman disagrees with us. We don’t have to baby each other, because it’s important to be honest, but we should be behaving like adults.
We’re here to strategize adding maximum female benefit and value to our lives. If we want HV, we need to be HV. Some of the shaming and indignant women here would be positively turned off if they saw men behaving the way they’re behaving. Rightfully so, it would be categorized as scrote behavior. Seriously, take a look at some hostile comments from FDS women and tell me we’d allow those comments to be posted by men. We absolutely would have none of it.
Well, FDS women, let’s hold ourselves to the same standards we hold men. Let’s actually be role models for how women should be spoken to.
We espouse believing women and respecting their lived experience. We espouse that what works for you, could kill me, and we all have to figure out our own path. We espouse maturity and thinking critically.
We are allies, not enemies. We are all powerful, courageous and proud of who we are and what we stand for. We are not the weak who need to push others down to feel better about themselves.
If I'm practicing what I'm preaching, I'll leave with this, if being mean/snarky/insulting/etc. is the only way you can express your contrary opinion, do you, I guess. Please know, however, it's not helpful to our cause, and nothing screams that we're not united, like insulting a fellow woman.
As a middle aged woman, I've learned the hard way that hostility by "brutally honest" people, dressed as passion, are actually unhinged, and lack true confidence and integrity for what they stand for. While some of the hostility was unprocessed trauma and anger, it was mostly just immaturity, and learned behavior.
Lastly, this is not me making an an accusation that anyone who's ever been hostile online (I have been) is an unhinged loser, but rather an observation that here on FDS the hostility is catching fire and creating a vibe.
We can correct this if we all just took a step back, caught our breath, stopped assuming the worst in each other, and instead approach contrary opinions with curiousity and mutual respect.
We can do what scrotes can't which is to reapect, honor, cherish, and protect women at all costs!
Let's do this!
Thank you for writing this timely post.
I have also witnessed an increase in hostility, passive aggressiveness, and toxicity on FDS in the past few weeks. FDS (particularly when it was on Reddit) used to be a place for me to seek advice and comfort after long days of dealing with the patriarchy. Lately, FDS has been a source of stress and unhappiness for me to the point where I've thought about leaving the forum.
I would love to stay and keep contributing to the forum, of course, but I think a vibe change is in order.
This is an outstanding post!
As Eldridge Cleaver said, "Too much agreement kills a chat." We need varying takes to have anything to discuss.
That said, "discuss and debate" does not mean "attack and disparage". Ad hominems, whataboutism, and a sense of ideological purity don't really contribute to *any* social or reform movement.
Thank you for pointing this out! Yes, FDS gets a rep as a ruthless space on the internet but towards toxic scrote men! Not other women! some people on here forget that. We’re not high value if any of us still have internalized misogyny. If you’ll treat a “HVM” well but not another woman.
I suppose that what frustrates me about the raise of hostility in FDS lately is that users forget that we don't have to engage all the time. I sometimes read things here that I disagree with, points of views that are different from mine and don't share, but that doesn't mean I need to take it as a personal attack to my own opinions. Now it seems that if someone disagrees with you here, you have to "call them out", be passive aggressive, lecture them, be openly condescending and even attack them. Also, I can't stress this enough, if someone is disrespectful and lowkey bully you (I've seen bullying on this forum before, not cute) then report them! Don't engage, it's better to talk to a mod and report them.
I never thought I'd say this but I miss when FDS was on reddit. Women spent more time strategizing and sharing tips to level up... I don't think the FDS forum has quite the same energy and many amazing queens that were here from time ago are now gone. It's a shame and it feels like this space is slowly losing its original purpose.
i agree with every word you wrote! there are women here from many different countrues, many different ages and backgrounds, so it's normal to see colliding opinions at times. but the bullying and shaming for "wrong-think" regarding FDS values is annoying and unhelpful. if people are hostile to me everytime i post something "controversial", then i'll avoid posting what i think. hostility to divergence discourages discussions, which in turn discourages reflection upon issues that are important for women as a whole. people don't listen to you when you humiliate them. they'll just resent you. you can't bring more people to join your cause if you treat them like shit.
Thank you for having the bravery to post this. I think about this a lot when the subject comes up that suggests an all-women world would be a utopia; I fear that without a common enemy, we may turn on ourselves. It's merely a pipe dream right now so the fear isn't imminent but some of the behaviors I see in this forum support the notion. We must be careful not to become what we hate.
Thank you for this post! I’ve noticed the recent uptick in hostility in the comment section, too. There is nothing wrong with expressing disagreement, but we can do so without ad hominem attacks, name-calling, and assuming things about each others’ personal lives. Most of us do disagree with each other respectfully, but there are enough that don’t that it’s frustrating.
Even if someone says something that is not in line with FDS, we can say that we disagree, and then point out that their viewpoint goes against FDS, and why. We don’t have to call them names or say “get out of here with that shit”. If we suspect the poster/commenter is a scrote in disguise, we can report them and let the admins handle it.
I'm starting to suspect that the change in tone on this site is due to infiltrations by men posing as women, trying to sow seeds of discord. Maybe I'm wrong.
I read a comment somewhere on FDS about being OK with green card marriages. I'm like, what woman with an FDS mindset would be OK with men marrying women for a green card? This is not something I'd see women on FDS say so cavalierly. I wish I could think of more examples right now.
Your post nails that Immovable Mover vibe we should all strive for. Thank you, Queen! 💙 Civility looks good on all of us.
Relatedly, an FDSer I love was on the receiving end of some untrue ad hominem attacks here some weeks ago. @LBC Tosca I don't know if you still lurk on here, but I've missed your voice. Hope you're doing well, Queen.
if the Scrote “elite” (defcon level 5? 🤣) are attempting to divide and conquer, let’s not give them the satisfaction. FDS, unite
🤜🏽💥🤛🏽
I’ll never shame non FDS women as long they don’t agree with any violation of real women’s rights. No jealousy and no justification of pickme behaviour.
I get my dose of annoyance with Scrotes often so I don’t need pickme’s making things worse.
Like today everyone hates the announcers voice for the new Tekken game just because it’s the first time a woman does it. Talented women are always the doormat of scrotes and pickme’s.
I just learnt to stop taking anything anyone says too seriously, while giving women slightly more benefit of the doubt. The more you centre yourself and really appreciate your own values, FDS or anywhere/anyone else doesn't really matter all that much. I take what benefits me in my opinion at this point in time and disregard everything else.
I think people forget how to communicate with an inquisitive mindset, and the fact we're human means we are sometimes triggered by different things. The less expectation we hold of convincing others of our arguments, the less likely we are to invest undue emotional energy. Discuss, sure, but to think we're all going to agree is nonsense.
Having said the above, I've seen victim blaming and overly aggressive comments on the forum and I just roll my eyes and move on or counter with a different take directly to the original poster rather than the angry person. Having been online many years, and having learnt to cope around difficult people in real life, everyone has their own axe to grind and I do not have the time for it.
In terms of what FDS represents and the different takes on the forum, this is normal and frankly happens with any group or whathaveyou. It needn't mean all that much. This isn't a complete ideology and I despise religion so I'm not looking for that.
👏👏👏👏
I can say that the sentiment expressed in the post is a powerful and important one. The use of the term "scrotes" may be seen as derogatory, but the message behind it is clear: we need to stop perpetuating toxic behavior by treating others the same way we have been treated by those who have treated us poorly. It's a call to break the cycle of negativity and choose kindness, empathy, and understanding towards one another. It's a message that resonates with the need for mutual respect, dignity, and the importance of treating others as we would like to be treated.
Well... bickering is sadly what people do, no matter the gender. It's easy to get heated by topics like the ones covered here. But yes, I do agree. Great reminder!
I wish we could see numbers of upvotes and downvotes separately. That way we could identify which subjects to discuss further.
Women have been so conditioned by patriarchy to compete against each other for men, and to tear each other down that even on this forum, it's hard for some women to shake the conditioning. Men realized it's easier to conquer women if they divide us. I fell for that scam too, but now I will always come to the defense of the woman before any man.
Can this include stopping with the MOTHER HATE?!?!
I’m sick of reading comments from women here who say they won’t be friends with single mothers or married mothers because they just turn out to be busy and selfish etc.
In a group where 90% of you want to get married and at least 50% want children… it’s offensive and alienating and scrotey.
Which one of you said you let a single mother and children live with your for a few months and it was terrible? So it’s therefore all single mothers? You failed at vetting properly.
Married mothers are freeloaders. F u c k off.
Exactly, let's remember who the real enemy is.