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My dad is the definition of LVM and his mentality is driving me insane.
He has the old fashion mindset that women belong in the kitchen while men are the breadwinners (meanwhile he's no breadwinner). His comments about cooking has turned me off of it completely and I have no interest in doing it because he has ingrained that "you should learn how to cook for your future husband" I know cooking is a life skill so I do cook when he's not home but when he's home I don't even go near the kitchen because of his comments.
He also says stuff like no man would want a woman more established than them so he told me if I were to buy a condo I can't live in it because a guy would be too intimidated.
He also said I should lower my standards and that if a guy is still in school I should be okay with it. (I only accept that for certain circumstances like if he's pursuing a graduate degree/professional school or if he's in a program that will pay the bills but if he's still in community college for 6+ years I'm sorry I'm not accepting that)
Meanwhile I'm 24 with a masters degree. Speaking of masters degree when I graduated from grad school last year my dad said the celebration would've been better if I had a bf. (I've never introduced any guy I've dated to my dad because of the things he says & my dad has some weird thing where he thinks the relationship will automatically turn into marriage)
Then when I try to have a convo with my dad like for example, I would ask him how was his day and he will bring up how I don't have a bf at my age every chance he could get.
there was one time where one of my friends threw a house party and my dad said "don't come back home unless you score a boyfriend there"
Another time my sister needed a ride to the city for her overnight shift and my dad threw a tantrum saying how if she had a bf then he could drive her and to stop relying on him.
The last thing I'll bring up is that myself and my sister have gained a bit of weight. I used to be really skinny when I was 16 and stayed that way till 21 and then started gaining weight (which is expected i obviously don't have the same metabolism as I did when I was a teen) now every day I get nagged about how men don't want to date women who are overweight and I should stop eating. (Meanwhile my dad has a large beer belly)
If you have a LVM family member how have you been able to escape them? I want to move out because I think that might be the only way to get space from him but I can't afford to move out right now as rent prices in the city are expensive and home ownership is almost impossible where I live unless you have a dual income but my dads comments are driving me insane.
When my ex and I broke up in feb (my dad didn't know about him for good reason) I was praying that my dad wouldn't bring up how I didn't have a bf because I actually would've snapped more than I usually do.
Male solidarity is unreal, isn't it? He's more concerned about random dicks than his daughters wellbeing. (Gayyy)
I ran away and let him die in a hoard of filth.
Grey rock until you can move out. There’s no point in poisoning yourself with him around you.
Mine too. He ruined his previous marriage with his stingy attitude and refuses to raise his daughter financially. No money for college not even a Barbie doll when she was little. Fled the state to avoid alimony and child support payments, there were warrants for his arrest but he doesn’t care and stays where he is. Yet mother thought it was a good idea to breed with him.
Ppl always say that you should never blame mothers for sh!tty fathers but I do blame Them. You know what you are dealing with and you think giving him a baby will change things. My own father was scum, he wanted to have a baby with my mothers sister while he was in a relationship. My mother is the ultimate pickme and never in my life have I respected her or him.
I kept my distance myself after I got older because because Ppl who don’t look after you deserve to be disowned.
Please mothers, let your children decide if they want to be with their fathers, don’t pressure them into anything. Leave it alone. A man who doesn’t carry the responsibility of a father aren’t allowed to see their children especially if your children want nothing to do with him.
If I was under his care I would be in a solitary confinement in my own home because he also sees women and daughters as property and he still wonders why I don’t love him.
Animals in the wild Only allow the most competent males to breed with them yet human females choose the worst type of scum because they think being alone is worse than being with a man who is unworthy. Mothers are partly to blame when they have lousy men.
Lousy men become lousy fathers.
Can you snark back at his stupid comments or will he get abusive?
If not, I'd throw every comment back in his face.
He wants to mention your weight? You stare directly at his potbelly while saying, "Oh really dad, thanks soooo much for the useful tip. Have you got any advice for washboard abs I could follow?"
-Moved out at 18
-Paid for college on my own (completely debt-free despite never making much money or having family help)
-Realized his Idealize, Devalue, Discard cycle had meant he devalued me at least since age 8 and emotionally discarded me by age 25, despite telling me I had to love and respect him
-Told me I was “beautiful” in my late-30s after never once having said it; I threw it back in his face and he comically calls me beautiful any chance he gets now (clownery)
-Therapy ✨ (being told your father doesn’t love you by a neutral third party was insanely freeing)
-Went officially low-contact as of 2020
-I do not text and do not call, except once a year for his birthday or out of absolutely obligation if he texts once in a blue moon
I am my own father now.
Unfortunately, he sounds just like many other people in society you want to avoid. I grew up meeting many people like that, who think if I just shift "responsibility" (ownership) of this woman onto another man, her life is made.
I have also had a lot of comments about my weight, from both sides of the family (of course it's the matriarchs, internalizwd misogyny is a beast) as the wedding is happening later this year.
Its obviously archaic thinking and can be increasingly frustrating.
How I dealt with my LVM dad: I convinced my mom to divorce and leave him with an impassioned speech when I was a child, and I can't remember it, so I can't give advice there.
For the rest of the family comments, I patiently ignore it and wait till my time comes for another impassioned speech. I now have a reputation in my family for these moments that leave them speechless and in shame. Now, instead of a doormat they call me assertive. 😅
It has gotten so that these comments are now rare, when it looks like you don't give a damn and you are living your life.
My mom did that for us. She divorced his ass while we (my sister and I)were still children. One of the best decisions ever taken for our family. Ladies, please leave that man. You are teaching your daughter what she shouldn't put up with. You are teaching your son what he can't get away with.
My dad has a lot of old man opinions, I've learnt to just start ignoring him. It's easier for me because I moved out years ago (and even now in another state), so I understand you're in a tougher position. I can honestly say the best thing I did was moving out! My dad is also so angry and you never know when he could blow up, I felt sooo much calmer being out of that environment. So you have the right idea.
At the time, I actually really struggled with rent. I was only working part-time and half my money went to rent, but it was I was determined to make it work because I wanted to be out of home so bad. Is it possible to move into an existing sharehouse type situation where the landlord doesn't have to "approve" you by checking your income? That's the way I did it if you don't feel like you earn enough, but that's also pretty common here in Australia.
The best you can do is just not argue with him. When my dad goes on spiels I just say nothing and let him talk. It's frustrating but saying anything is just such a waste of energy. Or walk away.
I don't know what yours is like, I know that works for me because he barely even notices if I do that, he just loves to hear himself talk 🙄 Just know, you don't have to endure it. Maybe you have plans on zoom and go to your room, anything that might help if you need an excuse to get out and end the convo.