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He sees nothing wrong about moving in together, performing wife duties for a couple of years just to see if there is "compatibility", and especially where religion is concerned. Lastly, he applies a "monkey see, monkey do" approach as he does not have a ton of relationship experience.
When it comes to the actions of other men, he is quick to excuse the wrongdoing, the "switch flip", away. However, he has said that he would never even consider acting the way said man does to me. To me, he has high value qualities, although I am very much thrown by when he vocalizes why he holds the different men in his life such as friends and family to high regard when they do something that is cesspool-level.
Why am I with him, you may ask? The short list is that I admire that he is driven to maintain a high paying career in order to support a family and household. He takes care of himself, lives on his own, respects that we don't always need to spend time together, treats me with high value, he did not argue with when I have told him that my standards for a relationship are not based on what other people do (i.e. live together while dating), doesn't believe in women paying on dates, etc.
The inspiration for this post took place a few nights ago. We were talking on the phone and he was telling me about his cousin, Greg, being in a rut after his mom and brother died in a short period of time. I expressed that it was absolutely awful. He continued that unfortunately, Greg's anxiety "got the best of him" and he ended up losing his job as a no-call, no show for more than a month. "Jackie (cousin's girlfriend), is really at her wits end because Greg has not worked or attempted to find a job for months", he concluded.
In the year that we have been together, I have met the core members of my boyfriend's family. Cousin Greg, who is a fart or two away from 40, is not one of them. And this is where the fight began.
Long story short, my boyfriend decides to tell me that Greg has holed himself up in the house, jobless, as Jackie supports both of them and their entire household on one income. She tasks him with chores so she can work as much as possible at the restaurant she serves at a bartender as. I admit my next statements were flippant when I said, "So, she's assigning him chores as you would a child?" My boyfriend muttered a sheepish, "Yes". "So, she's mothering him. And how long have they been together?"
"Since 2003".
"Yeah, she needed to cut him loose a VERY long time ago".
My boyfriend went from sheep to a bull to defend the damsel name Greg: "Just because Greg is going through a rough time like he did once before, it doesn't mean they don't have a solid relationship! Jackie wants kids!" My response is that Greg needs to get himself help. I empathize that he is grieving, yet he does not get a free pass on letting his girlfriend suffer. I added that if she wants kids, it shouldn't be with him any time soon. Again, my boyfriend goes on the defensive, yet this time he throws in that he's going to attempt to get his cousin a job where he works. I advise that he needs to let a grown man figure out his own therapy and employment situation.
It led him to sternly tell me that he was helping Greg regardless. And the phone call concluded. Ok, I said my peace.
Since then the situation has blown over, yet my boyfriend told me that I am not a forgiving person, I need to forgive his cousin because he is struggling, etc. I'm not trying to turn this into a tit-for-tat situation. I mentioned that for Jackie's sake, I was frustrated for her. Greg making his significant other shoulder the entire burden of their household expenses is what she has allowed him to get away with. I challenged my boyfriend that if he can tell me that he would never do that to me, why does he find it acceptable to enable Greg? No answer to that last one.
If you have been with me for that wall of text, I would love to know what this community's opinion is. Thank you!
Your bf is a dill hole who lacks basic empathy and defends the villain of the story. That's who he is. Drop him.
Men rarely understand the frustration of being a breadwinner-maid-mom-therapist because they almost never end up in this role. I'm not surprised they have a hard time imagining how draining it can be, especially since it's so normalized for women to wear all these hats. And many have this idealized "through thick and thin" idea that doesn't take into consideration how much that is actually asking. I have empathy with people going through a rough patch in their lives, but leaning back and letting their partners carry ALL the burden is incredibly selfish. The fact that your bf defends this is concerning. He seems to believe women should be selfless like that when their partner is struggling, but I can guarantee you he wouldn't think the same way if the genders were reversed.
In summary, you had a fight with your bf because you pointed out the terrible behaviour of his cousin and your bf expects you to 'forgive' *cough rugsweep *cough* because FaMiLy and he is StRuGgLiNg?
It is damn well telling he is using the word forgive; he clearly knows Greg is in the wrong to put everything on Jackie and is still expecting women to bend over backwards for their men.
Personally I would take a good hard look at his family situation; it reads to me he has shown you all the 'good' family members to lure you in and now he thinks you are hooked willing to revel more about what he expects you to tolerate in a relationship.
You're dropping him, right? Cause I can imagine what he will demand of you as his girlfriend when he happens to be depressed or going through a rough patch🙄
Edit: the more I read about your relationship on the comments, the more I believe you should break up. You're wasting your time girl, and you guys are gonna split sooner or later.
Together since 2003, she wants kids, and no commitment yet? He's almost 40 so I'm assuming Jackie is in the same ballpark age and there isn't much time left for them to healthily procreate. They shouldn't anyway. Both you and Jackie should drop the boyfriends
First of all, I am glad that you recognize the issues with this argument you had with your bf. "boyfriend told me that I am not a forgiving person, I need to forgive his cousin because he is struggling, etc. " is very telling of the kind of family drama he will involve himself into without your consent going forward - in fact, he will likely force you into unhealthy family dynamics going forward. I know you came to this forum to gain a bigger picture perspective, I hope this helps. It sounds like you are very deep in this relationship, does he plan to propose soon?
What are his thoughts on therapy? Has he every seen a therapist before? If he is, then I'm surprised he can so easily say statements like "Greg's anxiety "got the best of him" and he ended up losing his job as a no-call, no show for more than a month."
Your bf is a low value scrote who should be dumped. Are you not seeing all these red flags? 🤦🏼♀️
Staying in a relationship is something I don't take lightly. I only stay if I feel absolutely sure about it.
You're already having doubts, it's clear as day in the way you talk about him.
He's siding with some cousin over siding with you? I've heard of men siding with their mother over their girlfriend - this is even more ridiculous. Cousin Greg didn't give him life. You rank pretty low on his list of important people if a cousin can get above you.
Though maybe it's not that he loves Greg so much. It's a hint to you that he really wants to be "the Greg" in the relationship (the one who falls apart when life gets hard, and expect the other to pick up the pieces), not "the Jackie" (the one who holds things together).
He defends shitty scrotes, then tells you he would never do to you what those shitty scrotes do to other women - and you believe him? Talk is cheap. His actions tell the truth of who he really is. He actions: repeatedly taking the side of scrotes.
At the very least, you and him are not on the same page when it comes to how relationships should work. That spells disaster.
Some of your views align sometimes. Okay, so what? That's not enough. Takes more than that to sustain a relationship that can weather future storms.
And you are wildly opposite when it comes to whether you want kids, too? That's the ultimate relationship killer.
This is not going to work, and some part of you already know this.
Dump him he sounds like a scrote.
It's not that if your boyfriend were a woman he would be a pick me.
His beliefs are not hypothetical pickme-isms, they are the run-of-the-mill misogynist beliefs of an entitled male. He is closing rank in solidarity with his scrote cousin and furthering patriarchy. He has no empathy for women regardless of how he treats you.
There is no such thing as him treating you "high value" either he is HV or he isn't. Men who only care about some women are scrotes with no integrity as their respect for your humanity is reliant on your proximity to themselves.
The roundabout way in which you frame it is seems to show hesitation to name his misogyny for what it is.
Hmmm this may be an old post but since having a better relationship now with less fighting I've come to see sometimes men are the more empathetic one, maybe the HVM only, but when I met the current bf I was the Greg. I had severe illnesses, no job, no degree. Now I am healthy, accepted to uni, with job and interview opportunities in a competitve field. Sometimes men enable losers out of love and empathy, but it could also be said loving those men to set the bar low.
If Jackie wants kids she needs to pick Greg or children. But your bf helping Greg get a job isn't about enabling losers, but decent humans helping another human, and in addition, he is helping out Jackie because Greg will be able to contribute to rent and take some burden off her. I think you are being too harsh here, barring Greg from getting a job doesn't help Jackie or Greg. It's just preventing advancement for some principle they likely haven't heard about. Of course it will be hard for Jackie to make ends meet at a restaurant. It will be tough since if she isn't skilled she doesn't have the opportunity to get a better job. It's likely she can't afford to live on her own either, so dumping Greg is hard too, which is why him doing chores at the minimum can make it feel worthwhile to shoulder his costs. I think your bf is worried that if something happened to him you would have no empathy and just leave him. If he seems high value it's because he is altruistic and empathetic. I think a man like that is pretty rare and worth listening to his side on. Sometimes human beings really do fall in a hole and need the help of others to get out of it. You don't know how hard it is to lose two people in a short span of time. I'm glad that people have helped me out of my hole and I am eager to pay it forward when I can.