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It's not just something I see from men on dating apps, I definitely see people saying this in other contexts too, although I often see it on men's OLD profiles.
Small talk is how you learn little details about people. And maybe I'm just not really sure what types of conversation people are expecting when they say no small talk or that they dislike small talk. Surely they don't expect people to jump right into some deep stuff, because I know when someone I just met or don't know very well dives into something deep that is out of context, I look at them like they're crazy because it seems like they don't understand social boundaries. I am thinking what people really mean is that they want to skip that part of getting to know someone where it's a little bit awkward and you two aren't talking as if you're good friends that have known each other for awhile. But I still find issue in that because I know at least for me, the only way I talk to someone in that way is if I actually have gotten to know you and gotten comfortable with you, which can happen fast or slow, but it still takes time! I think it's pretty rare that I meet someone and I talk to someone in that manner right away.
But even then, it feels like people are revealing themselves to be impatient and/or shitty conversationalists. Like I said, small talk can actually reveal some great details about people that then serve was good points to branch off from and create a deeper conversation. Just as an example, the classic American weather small talk:
You: Some weather we've been having, huh?
Me: It's been so hot lately, I just can't stand it.
You: I know, right? I haven't been able to go for my typical morning run after work, and I have to wait to walk my dog or else it's not safe for her.
Me: Yes, I haven't been able to take my usual walk to the gym so I've had to change my routine up slightly, and my coworkers and I have had to make sure to keep an eye on our students at work.
Just from that tidbit alone I've learned that you like to run, you have a job, and you have a dog. I can ask you what you do for work, inquire more about the breed or how you adopted your dog, I could learn more about why you like running, etc. You learned that I like to go to the gym, and that I work at a school. You could ask me about my gym routine, why I go, what made me go into that line of work, what is it like, etc.
Like I said, I think when people say this they're revealing themselves to be shitty conversationalists, because it would've been pretty easy to just not share those details about yourself and shut the conversation down because you weren't sure how to turn that into talking about yourself. I'm imagining the type of small talk you have with your uber driver or cashier at the store when you don't want to talk much. "Crazy weather huh" "Yeah, it it is" "it's just way too hot" "yeah I can't wait for it to cool off. have a nice day". I think what also annoys me about this is when I see it on OLD, it will often be on profiles that are barely filled out. So you hate small talk, but you've given me absolutely nothing to go off of, so how else am I supposed to get to know you? I am personally not one of those people that is going to just launch into asking some deep questions about your tragic life either. Once again, there's a dance to getting to know someone and you can't just launch into certain things. Anyone else feel the same way?
I feel like this is a boundaries thing for me.
Small talk has a purpose. its a low stakes way to connect with people.
It's like Brené Brown says, people have to 'earn' the right/privilege to our vulnerability; ie the 'deep' stuff. You gotta have capacity for the deep chats, in order to have actual meaningful and real relationships, but if someone can't tolerate 'small talk' what else are they skipping?
I say that as someone who used to loathe small talk. Now I understand its relevance/appropriateness.
Each to their own * shrug *
boundaries...
that includes emotional/intellectual boundaries as well...
we decide who gets to have access to us, how much, and when.
Man’s OLD profile: “I don’t like small talk.”
Translation: “I want to fuck you as soon as possible after talking to you as little as possible. So spread your legs, and let’s get on with it.”
P.S. I avoid small talk because I’m extremely introverted, but when men on OLD claim not to like “small talk”, they usually have misogynistic, predatory intentions.
Men who say "I don't like small talk" on their dating profiles means they either expect women to be seen and not heard, or he wants you to only tell him anything he could use to manipulate you later. Men think anything women say that isn't useful ammo to them is pointless small talk because they don't take us seriously.
Sometimes it's inappropriate. If you've ever worked in the service industry as a waitress, cashier, or anything else, lots of people "try to connect" with you via small talk. I used to hate it. I was there to be polite and professional, not to be anyone's best friend. They also do this with women, not men. It's a way of making you respond and perform, cheerfully, or else. I used to interpret it almost as a threat: Do emotional labor and be nice to me on your minimum wage, or else you'll lose your job.
I only had one guy use that line with me within 15 minutes of talking via OLD. Turns out,he was looking to hookup and he doesn’t do long term. He literally told me that he once waited three months for a girl and it was hard breaking up with her. 🤮 that guy for sure has stds. Funny thing was, a few months after he matched with me again, forgetting that I politely declined his offer. He must’ve have been talking to so many girls that he forgot he met me. He is depraved hahahaha
Oh no. I'm going to get flack for this but I don't like small talk either. If all the man has to talk about are sports and TV shows and nothing of substance, it's a turnoff. However, small talk for the first meeting, I think I can understand that one.
Well yeah you can't just start a conversation with someone completely new with "What's the meaning of life" lol. That's f*cking weird. You need to have some sort of ice breaker and then take it from there.