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I hate looking after other woman. As anti woman as this title may sound, I’d like to contextualise my feelings.
I’m the eldest of two daughters and my parents (dad specifically) over emphasised independence - but we weren’t necessarily taught to let go of stereotypical feminine characteristics in the process (“A lady must”).
So I find it ABSOLUTELY blood curling when women around me get treated softer without even trying. I’m pretty, I’m bubbly, but I also work in 1% spaces and over time have learnt how to switch on those “useful” pickme traits based on the patriarchal normative to make me safe. But I KNOW how to take the lead and to be confident in my decision making.
But more than that, I feel angry, resentful and hurt when I have to use my energy to make other women “the damsel in distress” and I KNOW that they know what they are doing but I’m half way through problem solving before it really starts getting to me. And to be honest I don’t think I can live through another experience like this again. 😢
At this stage I’m not sure whether my own feelings are governed by the male gaze. But I find that if I am problem solving and there are men around me and other women are allowed to rest in their femininity then it truly angers me!
Today I found myself at day 2 of a 2-day festival. I had hosted friends at my place after day 1 quite impromptus. I hit it off in a friendly manner with a bisexual man who felt safe and calm and in the end it felt like I was positioned to “compete” for his attention with a family friend (who is very sweet and naive) - although I didn’t feel this was intentional, so naturally (my character - I never chase) gave them an opportunity to connect, which they did. Quite well.
Upon day 2, this new male friend’s energy was low and he kept asking me about my family friend, and I replied that she was on her way. It took her forever to find us at this festival (live location and all) and we were in a group that was following a parade until I sent her a landmark and ran to go and fetch her and bring to my group (this after 2 hours of texting). I think after all that administrative labour, she was able to let loose and not think and our new friend was in good spirits but also kept brining me into the fold of his high spirits - at which point I was very neutral. I don’t ever want to feel like a backup plan or a third wheel, especially as I am ruthlessly removing the consideration of men from my life. We eventually got separated from our lager group and I was the only one figuring out how to get back to the others or to a main road with access to public transport- about and hour and half of walking and problem solving. They wouldn’t let me shut down and focus. They picked up on my low energy, I explained I just needed to focus and as we faced seriously dangerous situations like over capacity crowds and an unleashed pit bull, i found that they could not react with sensibility and I often found a solution or detour to get us on path as they were giddy and merry.
I think my energy would have been fine if I was with the larger group. Full of other women. But for some reason this dynamic made me feel small and that I was giving too much to make them feel comfortable. I’ve had these feelings, even in the absence of a male dynamic but at the same time recognise it’s around women who always seem to be integral to the male gaze. I went to girls school and have had great examples of matriarchal relationships at work and home.
So I’d really like to hear your thoughts. Is this a real issue? How have you overcome the feeling of playing the “masculine” role for the unreciprocated comfort of other women?
You’re playing a “masculine” role and resenting women who seem to have relinquished this obligation. Many type A personalities do this. Do less. You’ll realize the world will not crumble. You’ll also be less resentful bc you’ll taste the freedom you’ve denied yourself.
I think it is a real issue because I've struggled with similar feelings in the past...and then I learned to let go and let other people suffer the consequences of their own incompetence. You don't have to be in charge, even if you know with every fiber of your being that you could lead the way out of trouble. You don't have to step up and take over. You don't have to be what @SayNad has called a "Masculina". You can just...be. And if stepping up and handling things is bothering you so much, I implore you to stop doing it unless you genuinely want to.
It's a real issue but it's also self-inflicted. Your real battle is in realizing that this is 90% in your head, because I promise that your ditzy feminine friends and their male orbiters didn't notice the dynamic at all. Maybe they saw your low energy or detected that you weren't in a good mood, but I can all but guarantee you that they didn't stop to wonder whether they had anything to do with it, or why.
If you don't like the tug-of-war game that develops in these situations, just drop the rope and let them unfold. Then you can decide which you dislike more: letting incompetent people ruin things for the group (the common consequence of not asserting your competence), or finding yourself acting like a stereotypical man to assist your helpless female friends. You may eventually find, as I did, that you simply aren't interested in being friends with idiots and incompetents no matter how sweet they are otherwise.
Let the(ir) world burn. Remove helpless damsels and the wilfully naive from your life as ruthlessly as LVM. Do it right in the moment. Do it everytime. Do it for yourself. Do it for your future. Do it. Your life will drastically improve. I speak from experience.
Lol yeah I solved this problem... I ditched a damsel in distress a year ago because I felt like she wanted me to be in charge all the time... and when poeple want me to be in charge I half ass-it so that they have to pick it up at some point and we have to collaborate to get things done. I don't do administrative work unless poeple are very aware that I'm expecting bare minimum gratefulness. Last year when I ditched Ms Damsel In Distress, I understood that I just have no interest in this type of dynamic. Like. No thank you. You need to lose interest in these dynamics. Let them solve their issues, be attracted to other dynamics.
Hey Bo 💝
You mention that you were positioned to "compete" for his attention with a family friend. That must have been annoying but fortunately male attention is worthless 🙂
Valuing male gaze/opinion may be why coming off as more "masculine" compared to other girls bothers you. It's understandable.
I dont think you're too "masculine" I just think you were having to compensate for the deficiencies of a weak guy. You had to protect this clueless dude from a pitbull and other potential dangers! He lacks common sense and leadership skills 🤡 I hope that clown didn't ruin the festival for you.
sis, i know how you feel a million times over. i think it's a firstborn instinct to save others and i've fallen into the trap many times. now? i just be and let those damsels save themselves. hell i'm friendly with one who still refuses to and i basically no longer care about her when we're apart. it's ruthless, sure, but boundaries always are to those without any. if you anticipate yourself feeling bad, have that "final convo" with them laying out exactly how you feel. then walk away forever. the guilt will linger for a bit but the long-term benefits will be greater.
I would have ditched them for a bit to smoke a joint lol. (Not encouraging it just sayin')
Others have mentioned masculina but maybe this post might resonate with you? I hope it helps at least
https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/forum/mental-health/wendy-syndrome-the-boys-who-never-grow-up
I’ve noticed that people tend to go into “helpless” mode (maybe not even intentionally) if they perceive that someone else is taking the lead. Most people don’t really step up unless they have to. You could try things like looking pointedly at one of the guys (and waiting for a response) when something needs to be done. Or saying something like “hey, so-and-so is having trouble finding our group. Why don’t you go get her (since you keep asking about her anyway)?” Make the orbiters do the work.
I struggle with this too, learning to pause and *wait people out* has been the only solution I've found that feeds into my need to do something (I consider the waiting and maybe asking leading questions doing something) AND it means that I leave the actions up to someone else. I had to learn to practice this with my sister as we renavigated our relationship as adults- it's not my favorite thing, it does annoy me, but it keeps me from resenting her The ONLY exceptions I make are for friends weddings where I'm a bridesmaid 😅