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Sooo I know I’ve read several posts about leveling up, vetting friends and cutting those off who aren’t serving us in the name of FDS.
Typically, I operate in a no nonsense type of manner when it comes to anyone. I’ve removed folks from my life such as friends, family, men, etc. that were draining or toxic in any way.
Lately, I’ve become increasingly aware of the nature of my current friendships with other women in my life. For some reason, it makes me sad to feel like I need to end friendships with people who have occupied spaces in my life for so long. I know it’s for the better but how do you overcome that feeling of guilt or sadness surrounding friendship break-ups? Also, I self- reflect often to ensure I’m not overreacting.
For example, I recently realized that my BFF is an over-sharer. It’s no surprise she gossips because she also gossips to me often and I’ve participated in gossiping with her as well (full transparency). After spending time with her recently, I noticed that she can be messy and tends to share information that I have told her in confidence. I don‘t believe she does it intentionally but rather does it so much that she doesn’t realize she’s doing so. We had a conversation and I told her exactly how I felt and it’s concluded to me feeling like I cannot trust her with any information.
Lastly, I have other friends who I feel don’t reciprocate in many ways. I value my friendships with others, therefore I’ll go out of my way to help or support in any way but I don’t feel like others do the same for me. For example, I have friends who did not wish me a happy birthday or tend to forget my birthday often. Birthdays are a huge thing for me but then I question if it’s serious enough to end a friendship…
Overall, a huge part of me wants to just end things with these lingering friends. I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing because I do cherish my friendships.
You don't necessarily need to end the friendships, but modifying them sounds wise from what you've described. Just as you shouldn't engage in pick-me behaviors with men, you shouldn't allow yourself to become one with your women friends either. If you feel like you're giving more to the friendship, pull back and mirror their behavior. You'll know whether it's worth keeping by how they respond. When your gossipy friend starts talking about other people, change the subject or end the conversation. And if you find that she is betraying your trust, stop revealing anything personal to her.
I think that there is value in recognizing different levels of friendship. I have a small handful of very close friends with whom I share extremely intimate details about myself and who are the first to know when something big is happening in my life. I cherish them as sisters and work hard to make sure they feel the same way about me and know they are supported and loved. I have other friends, who are more like acquaintances, with whom I enjoy superficial but pleasant socializing. I might not call one of them to drive me to the emergency room at 3AM, but I would invite them to my New Year's Eve party or occasionally ask them to dinner as couples with my boyfriend.
You don't have to cut off your friends but it's important to look at your friendships realistically, without rose-colored glasses, so that you can determine whether they add or subtract value to your life and adjust them accordingly.
If you feel the friendship has run it’s course, you don’t have to stay in it. You don’t owe anybody your time. Your guilt might be related to putting yourself first and I think that’s not uncommon for women because our relationships are supposed to be integral to who we are. The more you understand that no one can be there for you like you can be there for you, the less negative feelings you’ll have about cutting off certain people. You just have to make the leap and see how much better you feel and then it gets easier to just dead people who don’t add to your life after you’ve felt the positive effects. If they gossip with you, they gossip about you. Same concept as cheating. Most people will take a hint if you just stop interacting but if these are closer friends you might want to just send a text or email saying exactly how you feel. Something like “hey, no hard feelings but I wasn’t okay with you telling X about what I told you. I wouldn’t have done that to you. And the gossiping just isn’t my thing. I’ve thought about it a lot and I just can’t maintain a friendship like that.” If you like talking in person you can ask to have this convo face to face too. Trust yourself. You wouldn’t be asking if you didn’t deep down already know. You’re just freeing up space to rebuild your network. I apply FDS standards to all people who want to come into my life or are already in it and it works. At first I thought ruthless self interest was selfish but since I started improving me to the exclusion of everyone and everything else, I attract more high quality friends, I feel taken advantage of way less, and I’m happier because I’m not constantly acting. And my friendships are better because I’m not constantly carrying around an old resentment I think is too small to bring up. Try it on a friend or a family member you aren’t afraid to lose and see how good you feel!
I stopped calling “playmates” friends. I have 1 solid friend who is a real friend to me - if I’m sick, she brings soup; if I’m sad, she comes to see me (not a call or text, an actual visit); if I’m accomplishing something, she notices and celebrates me; if I’m having a manic episode, she embraces, not runs from, me; she knows my favorite food, color, movie; If I help her, she notices and appreciates me; I can travel and spend days on end with her without being annoyed - our shared silence is never awkward and just so so so much more. then I have playmates - I have many. Those are the texters, the ones I go to lunch with, maybe a hike, or museum trip, maybe I watch their pets for extra money…stuff like that. I don’t really care, or put stock in, their political opinions. I don’t care if they don’t remember my birthday or remember that my son is graduating high school. They probably make me laugh or stimulate my intellect, but they are not HV enough to trust as real friends. If I spend more than a few hours with them, they end up working my nerves. I believe there’s value in both types. It’s important to know who’s who, and not to be disappointed when a playmate doesn’t behave like a friend (unless it’s something totally egregious) because I don’t have expectations beyond commonality, having a good time and laughing my ass off when I’m with them. I don’t share important feelings with them because they suck at listening and holding space. But they love to roller skate and eat ethnic foods, and that’s all I expect. I used to write anyone off who didn’t behave the way I believed friends should behave. Then I realized that I was the one who created the image I wanted them to live up to - that they never were a good friend, even though I wanted them to be. Not everyone can be everything. Maybe create a list of what you expect from friends v. what you expect from a playmate and stick to your values. Maybe that means all you’re left with are playmates, and still need to find that perfect friend. But please don’t put yourself in a position where you’re isolated, and feeling sorry for yourself because you have no one to talk to.
hey girl i think you should start finding new friends! i’m someone who completely don’t care for birthdays, like literally a text message from my close friends is sufficient. despite that, i planned a treasure scavenger hunt with cash prizes for someone close to me. i’m pretty ruthless with cutting friends that are not trustworthy. like silent block and delete. even for friends i know for years. but nobody is a perfect friend including yourself so you’ve to decide for urself where that line is drawn tho.
Cassandra Mack has a ton of videos on YouTube about cutting off haters, fake friends, boundaries..