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When I first discovered FDS a few years ago, I was hostile to it. I was deeply indoctrinated by the pick-me cult. It didn’t take me until now to realize you were right all along.
I was in a relationship with an old crusty cop scrote (shrug) who was into BDSM and swinging. A lot of women in the BDSM community are victims of trauma and use BDSM as a form of self-harm. I didn’t want to admit it but that is exactly what I was doing. I cry when I think about how I wasted so much of my life accepting awful abusive behavior. I accepted painful and degrading things to me in bed because I wanted to be the fun kinky “cool girl”. I thought I was so progressive and ground-breaking. We watched extreme porn together and did swinging (puke). I played "CNC” fantasies with him (yikes). I lied to myself that I was into that. I knew deep down that I was just desperate to feel loved. Every time he would look at porn or sext with someone else, it tore apart my self-esteem. It broke me. I thought it would hurt less with time. It didn’t.
What has being a fun kinky girlfriend gotten me? Nothing but pain and trauma. I threw my self-respect and dignity in the trash for orgasmless, abusive sex.
Then finally it hit me. Why am I doing this? Why am I choosing to walk through hell? Is male validation worth my happiness? Why am I suffering so much for a garbage human? He doesn’t care about me. Why am I losing sleep for a garbage human being who wouldn’t care if I was left for dead? I started feeling disgusted by him. I started to look at him like a rapidly decaying corpse.
I was with him for three years. I was scared to leave him. I thought my life would be so empty without him. He thinks that I am his doormat and I don’t have the strength to leave. I blocked him everywhere. I will never let him back into my life. Thank you so much, FDS. I am going to try to get therapy for my low self-esteem and trauma.
Edit: Thank you all so much sincerely from the bottom of my heart. FDS has saved my life. I I am so grateful to all of you. I feel so blessed to be a part of this community. You all are so supportive and loving 💕
Yesssss a phoenix rising from the ashes!!! Well done and congrats on choosing yourself. You won't regret it for a second. We're rooting for you
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Don’t blame yourself. Blame the misogynistic culture and the patriarchy for raising women to accept this shit from men. Now that you woke up to what’s happening, focus on your healing journey and self love. Don’t let him get you back just because he is a cop. He is going to try to reach out to you but don’t give in, focus on yourself. You deserve love, kindness and respect. You deserve a healthy and a happy relationship. 60% of cops are abusive assholes.
I'm gonna have to stop right at the second paragraph. A COP who is into BDSM 😟😨😰😓 We already know the conviction rates for DV...and as a woman who is also black I don't even wanna think about the other possibilities
You are here now. You are awake. You have not wasted the best years of your life; they are ahead of you now that you are here, leveling up, holding yourself and others to much higher, better, healthier standards. Well done and welcome. Divorced a cop here too. He was an asexual, aromantic scrote who just thought well, it’s time I got married and was never all in. Of course I divorced his sorry ass, remarried and was happy. I recently wrote a post “how I knew he was the one for me”. Please read if you’re interested. Jack was the love of my life and that relationship was healthy, living, kind, stable, and consistent for 20 good years, 17 married.
Wow. So sorry you suffered through all that! I hope you find gentleness and kindness on your healing journey. It only gets better from here.
We are all so proud of you! Choosing yourself is the best thing you could ever do. You’ll keep getting stronger and happier. A few years from now you’ll look back and not even recognize who you were. Forgive yourself and love yourself and keep moving onward and upward!!
I love you, Heidi. You are such a strong woman to break away. I’m in awe. Thank you for this powerful post!
Welcome, sister! I'm so glad you're waking up!
You will be held here and encouraged to stay strong. Have you listened to the Gail Dines FDS podcasts? She is very empowering and after thirty years of raging against the porn industry, she is adamant that BDSM is a man's excuse to legitimise his hatred of women. You just left a woman hater... don't look back, keep walking forward... we've got you....