Feeling bitter; please remind me that shitty men stay shitty

Yesssss now you can have a glorious home that fits YOU perfectly. Your castle, your queendom.

Good luck and have fun shopping for new stuff!!!

He wasn’t true to his word, what a shocker. His sofa is covered in scratches and cat piss. He got what he deserved

You're of course completely right -- he was never able to be happy with what I gave him (which was everything of me) and when I broke up, he 100% acted like he was mainly suffering from his narcissistic supply going away and not from actually losing me as a person. The fact that he has escalated his new relationship so quickly (they can't be together for more than half a year or so, there was still lots of my old stuff there, and he's already letting her move in?) is further proof of this. He's looking to trap her fast so he can drop the mask. His own father was like this with his ex-wife and subsequent new partner, I've seen it first hand. I'm trying to remind myself that all the material possessions in the world are worth nothing compared to the liberation of having gotten rid of him. But oh boy was it a hefty price I paid. This was the first relationship of my life that ever went this far, I experienced many milestones of adulthood with him, and sunk so much time, money and energy into our shared life. In a way, I'm happy I made all the mistakes fairly "early" so I can be wiser now, and I'm happy that he can't gatekeep my happiness and self-worth any longer -- which is what narcs do, they only let you be happy on their terms and as long as they're satisfied. ETA: he's also blocked and deleted which is why he contacted my parents in the first place, the clown.

Not sure if you ever saw it, but there was a blog post that was on the FDS front page with the headline "Men don't change, they just change tactics", so if I were you, I would always just keep that in mind. Also just think of how his ex may have felt when you got with him (perhaps similar to the way you're feeling now), and consider what you went through. Men are always on their best behaviour at the beginning of a relationship (bc no woman would stay with scrote if he was shitty from the get-go- that only happens later once he believes he's got her hooked). So even if he's treating the new woman like a princess (and that's IF she's even real), just know that its a ploy to groom her for taking abuse later- as he did to you.

I think I'm just letting him get in my head because after the break-up, he did seem to have learned from his mistakes and made many changes that had been overdue (like going to therapy). But it always rubbed me the wrong way that he was "suddenly" able to act right now that I had dumped him, which proves that he WAS capable of doing it all along, he just didn't bother / consider me and our relationship important enough. Of course, if you ask him, that's only because I took up all of his time and nerves when he was still with me. I know this is textbook behavior for narcs and abusers. The facade is just too easy to believe, even though his continued disrespectful treatment of me post-breakup proves he has learned nothing. Especially since I have my current partner to compare it to: when he and his partner of 10 years were nearing the end of their relationship, they bought and furnished a brand new apartment for her with him covering the majority of the cost because he honored the commitment they had and wanted to see her be comfortable and independent. Now, if my ex had had a shred of respect and decency left, he could have left ME the apartment, especially since he really doesn't need it and can literally afford buying a whole house right now (he used to lament he didn't know what to do with all his money...).

This is what I'm thinking. I was once talking to a co worker about her bf who was also a co worker of ours. She was telling me how supposedly another very very pretty co worker of ours messaged him asking if he liked her new fb picture and how she didn't think it was appropriate for her to ask such a thing to a guy in a relationship. I know for a fact the pretty co worker would never ever message this plus she's rarely on social media. I asked her if she had actually seen the message or if he had just told her this. She said he just told her this. I told her next time he tries to say something like that ask to see the messages. Point is guys will lie all the time I doubt this woman exists and if he does he's embellishing the situation.

Yay for us for choosing ourselves and walking away! It's always baffling to see how men refuse to face the reality of their inadequacies whereas so many amazing women are riddled with self-doubt... My ex-scrote wasn't quite as bad as yours and that's why it was really easy to latch onto his grandiose view of himself. He maintained an outward image of being a really great guy and had all the conventional successes one can hope for. He even had many "HV boyfriend" behaviors like getting really thoughtful gifts. His demeanor is often so calm and seemingly "rational" (of course, highly contradictory once you take a closer look), it can fool anyone. Even I tend to forget how shitty he could be and any time we interacted again, I operated unter the assumption of "he has his flaws that I wasn't willing to tolerate anymore, but he's an overall decent person" just to be hit with the next round of disrespect and utterly baffling behavior. Like your ex, mine of course also has a history of being "deeply hurt" by every woman in his life. I really hope other women will learn to see this as the red flag that it is. "At first I felt terrible, like what did she have that brought out his best while I only seemed to bring out his worst?" I really relate to this, because sometimes we can't help but blame ourselves for "driving him crazy" or "bringing out the worst in him". Alas, abusers have long lists of things for you to fix so he can finally feel (and behave) better. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm extremely blind to my own flaws to the point where I can't recognize that I did contribute to his bad moods. It's not like he never tried to resolve problems constructively, or that he was never patient and understanding. Maybe he was really just at his wit's end. I see how I have been annoying or a burden at times, and I know that things you can accept in the short term can really drive you nuts after years and years. So yeah, even though I suspect his new partner will run into similar problems one day, maybe she is just wired differently in a way that will never bring out his full potential for cruelty. I mean, in our relationship, it was all fairly manageable until the pandemic and my unemployment, which really elevated all pre-existing problems to a whole new level. This kind of exceptional crisis is bound to make anyone feel off-balance and not like themselves. He often told me we should have just taken a break to cool off and focus on ourselves for a bit. I did flee to my parents, but the longer I stayed away, the smaller my desire to go back. I sometimes wonder if I gave up too soon, because I do have a kind of "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. Yeah, lots of complicated thoughts going on. I don't think anyone can "fix" him, for what it's worth, but I do believe every person's character is a different in different circumstances, and maybe we could have found a different, better mode of operation again.

I don't know if I'm making myself out to be a greater victim than I actually am, my thinking was heavily influenced by the book "Why does he do that?" which of course favors the woman's side of things and never disputes her judgments. Which of course is very empowering and valuable, without this book I wouldn't have managed to break up. I just wonder if it has skewed my thinking to the point where I see everything my ex does through this abuser lens.

>I truly hope you're right.

She is - but also, it doesn't matter.

Let's say your ex magically changed. He won't, because people don't magically change - not without years and years of effort, professional help, and a willingness to better themselves.

But sure, let's say your ex magically grew a conscience and stopped being manipulative and controlling. Let's say he magically grew a values system and matured beyond the level of a toddler.

What would that mean to you? Would it change how he treated you? Would it change your opinion of him?

I suspect you're worried about him changing because on some level, you think his horrible behavior is a reflection on you. But how is that reasonable?

Do you treat people like shit, ever, for any reason? Do you mistreat people you view as beneath you - or no, because that would make you a horrible asshole?

Don't hold yourself to impossible standards while holding men to none. He's a shit person, and shitty people are shit to everyone.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. Years and years of a person telling me that my flaws are what makes them act and feel like they do just got to me.

That's textbook abuse, and I'm glad you see it. You can't MAKE someone behave like an asshole anymore than they can make you.