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When I started dating my boyfriend I was living alone. When he came over he would always be extremely mindful as to how I like to keep my place clean, he was respectful to not mess anything up. He was paying attention to the way I organised things. When I visited him at his flat I observed his room and how he organised and talked about cleaning. His car was immaculate , and I was generally pretty happy with his cleanliness.
Fast forward a year and we’ve moved in together and now I realise none of what I saw was his genuine habit. Not only does he not have a habit of keeping things clean and tidy, I have noticed he’s “become” blind to any mess. If there’s dirt or rubbish, he doesn’t see it anymore. If something needs to be picked up he doesn’t see it anymore. We have a dishwasher and we still struggle to keep the kitchen clean and tidy. He can’t even put his dishes away in the dishwasher because it’s too much effort. No matter how many times I’ve told him it just goes in one ear and out the other.
I have stopped cleaning out of spite and he would do nothing. If I don’t remind him ten million times for his one and only weekly chore of taking out the bins he would forget. I told myself specifically I was never getting into another relationship where I was the nagging mum and now look at me.
I understand nothing will fundamentally change, he’s a grown ass adult with habits that took decades to form.
The reality is it’s cheaper to share living expenses, but luckily I have finally lost all faith in men. I’m not gonna fight or exhaust myself mentally. Once I save enough money to pay for a deposit for a small place I can call home, I will never be bothered by men ever again. I will live happily ever after in my tidy dust free home. (With my 3 cats)
<3
when he gathered that you are a neat and clean person and scammed you into moving in, he "conveniently" leaves the cleaning to you. it was his plan all along and the mask has fallen off because he knows you can't tolerate mess and will do it anyway.
it's not too much effort for him nor did he forget. getting you to do it is a form of power play for him.
rooting for you to leave this dusty asap!
It's weird how low value men trap women. Moving in together, marriage, pergnancy, they wait until you're commited and then show their true, horrible selves. I like your approach here: no nonsense, no wondering why he does things, no making excuses for him, no mommybangmaid; just realizing the situation and making plans to get yourself out of the situation.
I would say good luck, but you don't need it! Great mindset! I'm rooting for you.
I would rather live in a clean serene tiny shoebox Apt that’s all mine than live in a mansion with a male.
YES! Hope you can gtfo soon!
I totally understand if you never wanna live with a man again, but if you eventually want to try again in the future, maybe vet him longer for this, since it's a fundamental thing for you. (It is a thing for me too and I have vetted for 4 years specifically about how he takes care of the house before moving in together. Maybe you don't have to take this long, but long enough to see if his mask will fall off.)
P.S. Sorry if that was too pickme for a rant post, I'm still learning the etiquette around here.
Quitting cleaning upon living together is a known scrote dating strategy ever since the patriarchy decided that women do the cleaning and scrotes wait until they have one to exploit. Making vetting harder and escape more difficult, many will play 50/50 with chores until the woman is babytrapped.
That's such a bummer, especially since he was so clean at the beginning, but good on you for not falling for his free-maid trap.
I've seen WAY too many women pick up the slack for their boyfriends-- weird how their boyfriends NEVER help out by going over to their girlfriends' houses to clean...
YES. I was so exhausted by my endless attempts to teach my ex how to be a clean person. At least I broke up with him before he moved in, thank goodness. Some of the things that I uncovered too slowly (mostly long distance :/) through years of dating him though... rant following:
He did not use any soap. Not to wash his hands, not to wash the dishes, not to wash his face, not to wash his hair, not to wash his body in the shower. No soap. It took years and me buying him his own soap to get him to use it, sometimes. Moisturizer of any sort? Forget it.
He did not own deodorant, and still never used it after I bought him some. No cologne to speak of either. Just stinky.
He never brushed his teeth in the mornings, only at night. He did not own or use mouthwash either.
He never, ever washed his sheets. And he was a sweaty, drooling sleeper. When he did do the rest of the laundry, he'd forget it in his washer for days at a time, and then just dump the stinky, damp, mildewy pile in the dryer to run it when he remembered.
He frequently left cabinet doors and drawers open, which was annoying, but not damaging... BUT HE ALSO LEFT THE REFRIGERATOR AND FREEZER DOORS OPEN MULTIPLE TIMES TOO.
His solution to a clogged kitchen sink was to leave it to slowly drain for as many hours as it took, then do absolutely nothing once it did.
He would stack dripping wet dishes together and put them away in cabinets that way.
He did not find it necessary to own any cleaning products: vacuum, broom, mop, toilet brush, disinfecting spray/wipes, etc.
Also, stop having sex with him, because he probably doesn't wash down there.
Dude you shouldn’t have moved in with a boyfriend for exactly this reason :/ he expects you to be the maid