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We all know to avoid devils advocates, but sometimes these scrotes are a little more sneaky. Let me introduce a few examples of sneaky devils advocates:
1. You're saying something and he feels the need to point out that not everyone feels that way, that it's different in other areas, or others have it worse. Say you are feeling under the weather because you have a cold. Then he says "well you could have the flu, or you should be grateful you aren't in the hospital". Or "at my uncles job covid is going around. You don't have it that bad." Or "that's nothing to worry about" ...... the issue is here you've stated something that is one of your truths, your experiences, and he is deliberately diminishing it. This is a subtle attempt to make you feel small. Instead of actually listening, offering support or saying something that aims to be genuinely helpful (ie do you need anything, can I drop off your fav soup, etc) he's poking holes at your words and trying to sweep your feelings under the rug.
2. Scrotes that try to point out other "facts"
He'll try to seem intelligent and act like he's trying to "explain" or "educate" you with the "facts" after you make a point on anything. Basically this is mansplaining but in a less obvious way. An example would be me saying "I couldn't get to work the other day because of the snow storm, it was so slippery." And he will then say something along the lines of "actually, companies closed for the day because the power was out." Or he will say, "Well did you know that the state puts down a salt mixture which prevents the roads from freezing but it's only effective at above a certain temperature?" And then instead of man's planning directly to you that's why the roads were still icy he will let you figure it out and explain it back to him. He sorts of puts himself like a teacher in this way and like you're a student that's just catching on. Then he'll try to act like he did you a favor by enlightening you and that you now believe his reasons are correct. It's how he starts manipulating you.
3. Scrotes asking you for evidence:
One of my past banks I used had a lot of scandals and class action suits - people generally knew they were sketchy. An example would be me mentioning to a scrote "hey I don't know of you use Wells Farg0 but beware that they charged me an additional fee." He'd respond, "I've never heard of that." Or "Really? That doesn't sound right. They aren't allowed." Or "are you sure?" Or "really? Can I see where they charged you the fee?" Or "can you show me those emails, because they never emailed me about it". Or "but it's only 4.99, they surely wouldn't loose a customer over such a small fee, so why charge that. Doesn't add up." Beware that scrotes say these things not from a place of actual concern or confusion, but from a place of insinuating you are stupid, not trustworthy, and being sensational /crazy. Its a subtle neg and a suble devils advocate insuating he doesn't believe you and that you have no clue how to manage adult responsibilities.
4. "But it was different for me" scrotes
Basically, you mention something and then he says he went through the same thing, took the same test, drove the same road, etc and looks at you in a confused way as he tells you that he was treated differently, or he never had a problem. Example: "I was on *specific road* today and people always are driving in the middle around that turn! It was scary" and he gives you a really look and then dismisses you "well I never had that issue / don't know what you're talking about / I've never seen that and I drive that road daily." Again, he's diminishing your experiences and feelings and subtly negging you trying to make you feel like you're the issue, like you're crazy.
5. He insinuates you're leaving out key details, not telling the full story, or that you're being dramatic. Maybe you mention that your coworker ended up getting the promotion, not you. Or maybe he asks what happened as to why your cousin was acting weird around your sister. So you give him a brief answer like "oh the boss just likes that coworker better, they grew up together and were always friends" or "my cousin said she's mad at my sister for not bringing the flavor of cake she wanted to the birthday party." And the scrote says, "well there has to be more to it than that" or "I bet that boss and coworker were friends with benefits, you had to leave that part out, oh you didn't want to say it." Or he says, "well you're just gossiping now" or "you're taking you're cousins side and creating drama now" or "yeah but there's two sides to a story" or "we don't know what actually happened though don't make assumptions." These are all ways he's not truly listening and he's looking to make you a bad guy who stirs shit and omits info.
The TAKEAWAY Message: Beware of men that don't actually listen to you and that aren't coming from a point of genuine concern or respectful and necessary questions. A HVM would always hear you out and respect your words. You have valid words and points. You're grown and know how to handle yourself. You're allowed to speak, be heard, and be respected and deserve nothing less. 😤
Have one of these dudes at my job. It's just better to say "this isn't a debate" sometimes.
Yup! My recent example is every time I shovel the snow in my driveway my crusty single old man neighbour comes out of his house to tell me I’m doing it wrong and doesn’t listen to a thing I say —such as: “you’re trespassing”, “get off my property”, “stop creepily watching me through your windows”, and “sir, stop asking me to shovel snow against my house’s foundation when you previously said you didn’t want any snow near yours because spring flooding”. Now when I see him coming outside I just go into my house and lock the door. Misogynists gonna misogynist.
My NVMx was #3 all the way. It’s like he had a sick need to contradict me, constantly. I called his *ss out on it everytime, but it never got better. A true, blue dark-matter NVM. My life is so peaceful & happy every day, now that he’s gone. 😁
I loved how my ex landlord mansplained to me about how wood swells when wet or shrinks when dry, and sarcastically I said, "I know having a vagina is supposed to make me dumb, but I know how wood works." Purposely using the double entendre. Then he was shocked when he saw I put up my own curtain rod. "You put up that curtain rod all by yourself?!" And I said, Yup little ole me. All by myself. It's a curtain rod. Not rocket science."
God, had to deal with one of these Friday afternoon, ALL AFTERNOON. My dad even apologized to me after it was so bad.
It’s invalidation and a dead giveaway that he doesn’t respect you and never will. Men who love to argue, mansplain, question, critique, nitpick, play devil’s advocate, etc. are emotional vampires. These high-conflict people (usually men but not always) will drain the life out of you. Look carefully and you can see their smug satisfaction whenever they manage to get you visibly upset.
Of all the personality traits a man can have, this is one of the most aggravating and also one of the most potentially dangerous to your mental health. It is exhausting and crazy-making to have to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) everything you do and say. If he ever shows signs of this, run! 🚩 It will only get worse as time goes on.
Excellent post. And always, always beware any man who does this for the sake of "debate", "free speech", "nuance" or "balance". These will make you want to gouge your eyes out with frustration. Their self righteousness is sickening to the core.