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A girl from tonight would not quit caping for her boyfriend, who I had conflict with in the past. He didn’t directly hurt me, but he basically stood by while his friend, - made me cry for hours. I only went to dinner tonight with him at the table because my date was friends with them and I hoped his friend would apologize for being complicit to that emotional incident from the past. Also there was one friend in the group who never hurt me and I actually get along with, who was going to leave to another state for a few years for med school. Admittedly, things got heated once the friend who did directly hurt me was brought up and guys at the table began to defend him + the girl rolled her eyes when I mentioned the dude who hurt me isn’t as nice as they say he is…
I felt so uncomfortable I left the table. When they caught up to me, her bf looked so shocked that I was upset that I never got an apology for how he sat there giggling while letting his friend make me cry.
His girlfriend had to step in. She said “He didn’t know what was going on though! Why would he apologize to you? He did nothing to you! You pick on him.” Mind you, I’m 4’10” and her man is 6’1”… LMFAO but I’m bullying him for being upset. She also was not even there when the conflict occurred, but acting like she was. I asked her why she’s caping so hard when she doesn’t know what really went down. “I know the kind of guy he is!” LOL… I’m sorry ladies, but at this point I was so frustrated. I told her I would never invalidate her that way and that I was hurt because overall, I was the friendliest to her tonight…
She was the only other girl at the table of men so I tried my best to become friends. I hugged her immediately, genuinely complimented her, and talked to her more than the guys did… so imagine how painful it was when she told me after I started having an anxiety attack from being gaslit, that “you act like a bitch when things don’t go your way.” In front of all the guys.
I’m ashamed to say I almost gave into physical fighting. We’re lucky we had people holding us back. But being called a bitch by a woman I trusted to listen to my side of the story as a fellow female in front of men felt like getting punched in the gut…
I’m sorry if this story doesn’t make the most sense without full context. But I hope women here resonate with what I described. I don’t know why I cried so hard when she called me that. I called her it back only to make it even, but I would have never done so if she hadn’t attacked me in the first place. I just feel like it’s such pick me behavior too automatically side with your boyfriend about a conflict she wasn’t present to see and to call me a bitch because I wouldn’t back down from her boyfriend’s gaslighting. I feel so disappointed ladies…
I also wish my date stood up for me more. He was on my side and reassured me of that afterward, but while it was happening - he wasn’t verbally defending me… he just physically held me back and tried to calm me down. Which I appreciated. However… I just didn’t feel supported. I don’t expect a man to call a woman a bitch back on my behalf. But I felt like he could have stopped his friend and her from saying hurtful things to me. Her man seriously said, “I won’t engage in you shitting on my friend.” Excuse me, is saying he’s not a nice guy considered shitting on him or am I just being honest? LMFAO
I felt pick me energy from the start lowkey because I noticed her avoiding my eyes, seeming way more engaged with the men at the table, and rolled her eyes at me whenever I didn’t agree with the guys.
But saying I bully her 6’1” boyfriend who lets his gf talk for him and then saying I’m a bitch…. lol. She said “you have serious issues” to me, also known as “you’re crazy”. I just felt like she wanted to sound like one of the guys, I’m sorry if I seem like I’m over reading it. But god. I wouldn’t have just blindly defended my date if she said he did something before that bothered her.
You need to cut ties with all the people in this dysfunctional group…
I would seriously ditch the entire friend group and the date as well. You're the scapegoat in this dynamic. Get out. Homegirl will get what she deserves sooner rather than later.
Cut off contact with every single one of these people.
They are trash, and you were dragged down to their level. After cutting them off, examine how your own behaviour was triggered by their actions so you can understand how it happens so you can avoid future issues. You can't be a HVW around these people. Self reflect on what happened and continue levelling up away from them
It sounds like you have some pickme behaviours to work through. You should never have gone to that dinner in the first place - you know the quality of the guy who did nothing. When you see a LVM, cut him out. When your date wants to go for a dinner with the LVM, explain (without details) that his integrity is lacking, and use this as a vetting procedure. Does the date have your back or does he minimise?
You went there looking for a specific reaction from the LVM - personal growth. C'mon, the guy "sat there giggling while letting his friend make me cry." That was never going to go well for you. He laughed at your pain! Why would he be less douchey now? Why do you need his validation of your experience?
I don't say this have a go at you. We've all internalised the culture and will all spend a lifetime picking it apart from ourselves. Cut them off and allow yourself to heal by spending time with HVW, not women you wish were HV
You need to dump ALL these people.
Relatable (I've had similar things happen in the past). You know, at this point I don't even expect support from fellow women. A lot of women have treated me this way in the past: bullied and gaslit me, (and sometimes they did that because they wanted to get "picked"). Other times I don't even know why those girls were mean to me. I don't understand it. But I no longer expect any support just because there's another woman in the group. I'm wary of new people (regardless of their sex) and I don't hug strangers (nor do I expect validation or emotional support from people I don't know well enough). Even friends I've known for years (both male and female) have stabbed me in the back. So I now know, you don't really know someone until you face a crisis.
Your feelings are all valid. You deserved to be treated better than that, especially by your date and that woman. They showed you who they are (including your date), so it's time to let them all go.
Why put yourself in this situation baby girl? And expect them to have your back? This was a recipe for disaster. poor you. Don’t go out with them again