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TW: abuse, sexual assault, breakup
Hey yall, sorry if this has a bad format or I misuse any terms but I'm new to using the website and fds. I also apologize if anything I say is upsetting or triggering to anyone but I am really going through it right now and desperately need advice.
I'm posing this both to seek advice and also as a warnings to current and former pickmes, don't make the mistakes I did or it could cost you much more than you bargained for.
In the past year or so I (in chrinological order):
- had my first boyfriend (LDR) who i was deeply in love with and dated for 2 years (and now first ex) call me crying admitting he cheated on me, saying he would kill himself if we broke up (spoiler alert he didnt!) (There were red flags but if I include them this list would be longer than the holy bible)
- said I would stay with him to work it out. Then read the messages between him and the girl (it was emotional and sexual cheating) and decided I couldn't stay so I called him and we broke up.
- tried filling the void with a guy, idealized him and made excuses. He started ghosting me so I demanded answers, he said he wanted to get back with an ex and was no longer interested.
- ex contacted my family to say he missed them as if he isn't the cause of that fucking problem and they basically told him he fucked up and not to talk to them bc my family are awesome.
- had an actual meltdown about it, nearly fainted from a mixture of laughing and sobbing at the stupidity of myself and my situation.
- found out my ex was now dating the girl he cheated with which caused a cute spiral.
- started talking to another guy, hooked up on the first date (🚩)and paid for cheap fast food(🚩). He wanted exclusivity immediately (🚩)
- dated him for around 6 months, during which time he was a broke ass bum ass bitch and I paid for everything like an idiot. Tried to convince me to pee in a container for him so he could use it for a drug test rather than getting clean from smoking for a month. He also choked me during sex (🚩) without consent (🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩) and like the idiot I was rather than immediately run I explained to him why he shouldn't as if he didn't know damn well why he shouldn't do that (🚩).
- he has terrible hygiene and gave me a simultaneous yeast AND bacterial infection despite using a condom. (I practice pretty strict hygiene so I know it wasn't me) or it could have been from the stress from his abuse.
- he was interested in mild race play (I'm white and he was black) which he knew made me uncomfortable but pressured me into it.
- He then cheated on me by swiping on tinder infront of me, I confronted him, he gave lame ass excuses as to why and I stayed because I "wasn't in the right headspace to break up with him"
-he was swiping on tinder again in front of me WHILE OUT WITH MY PARENTS GETTING DINNER TOGETHER
- I broke up with him and blocked his number
- he had a friend contact me and say that he was suicidal, didn't work
- he then had the same friend contact me and say he was in the hospital and dying of fucking cancer and not eating, didn't work, blocked the friends number
- forgot to block him on Google duo, he tried to call me on it.
- finally away from his crazy ass for a month or two
Now we are at the present day. I am so deeply exhausted. I am having dreams (nightmares) about the first ex bc I recognize that the second and third guy were me monkey brancing/rebounding to try to avoid my pain and trauma.
I am struggling to sleep even more than usual due to the dreams and I am triggered by a lot of things to do with romance. I see happy romantic couples (especially in romance movies) getting a happy movie and it brings me to tears. Not of joy but of pain because I am deeply jealous of FICTIONAL peoples happiness and how I have been robbed of it.
I also struggle to talk about anything that happened without a deep sense of resentment and anger. I know it's normal for me to be angry about having been used and abused like this but it's not healthy to be focusing so much on people who are not a benefit to me or my life. The pain that I feel right now is unbearable and I don't know how to handle it. I will be seeking counseling for the assault, the abuse, and the trauma from it but I would like to know if any of you have advice for dealing with this. .
I know it is messed up but honestly the infidelity and breakup of the first relationship was and is more upsetting to me than the sexual assault so advice on that is the priority. I also now know (thanks to FDS) not to get into a relationship because right now I am deeply traumatized and an especially attractive target to abusive men. I have been studying the handbook as well but any advice, even repeating what is said in there, is appreciated,.
I'm honestly not even sure I include everything relevant because there is more but I feel these were the most important points.
Tldr; I am a recovering pickmeisha who broke up with my now ex for cheating on me, monkey branched to a guy who ghosted me, and then money branched again to a guy who sexually assaulted, emotionally neglected, gavd me a yeast and bacterial infection at the same time, and cheated on me twice in 6 months before I broke up with him. He then proceded to harrass me through a friend of his for a while before I blocked them both. I need advice on dealing with all this outside of therapy/counseling which I am currently seeking. I will not be getting into a relationship anytime soon because of my trauma.
It sounds like you have a good plan. Getting therapy and not getting into a relationship are the most important things, and you're already doing that.
The other ladies have already given you some good advice, but I'd also recommend Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" It's recommended a lot on FDS for a reason: it basically catalogues every type of abusive guy out there, and goes into why the traditional methods of dealing with them (e.g. the infamous "communication") don't work.
Oof. Girl I relate to this so much. Ugh. All I can say is get a good therapist, take all the time you need to heal, and that it gets better. There are men who would NEVER in a million years abuse or hurt you. Once you unlock your FDS badass red flags will be so easily spotted you’ll never put up with scrotes again and will be able to focus on HVM. The most important part in finding a HV man is being a HV woman and the first steps are healing. Heal, work on your bag, get a healthy group of hv friends, invest in yourself and community, and good things will happen. It’s also worth noting that the path from pickme to hvw is not linear, there will be set backs but it’s perseverance and your desire to be a hv woman that will launch you into your best self. Best of luck.
You need to focus on your healing. You’re going through stages of grief, whatever those happen to be for you. It’s a lot of feelings to process and it takes more time than you are thinking it should. Treat your broken heart like a physical injury. If you hurt your ankle, you stay off it for a few weeks and baby it. Baby your emotions and yourself. Keep your feet up for 3 weeks without doing anything, then start slowly going back to normal. Just like your ankle, you can’t start running and dancing on it right away without consequences. Give your heart and mind time to heal. Prioritize. Focus on your hygiene, maintaining your job/school work, eating as well as you’re able. It’s ok to coast through life for a few weeks. When you’re super low, you remind yourself that this is temporary and it will pass. You have learned your lessons, and you are grieving for the past not your future.
Prioritize and start working on yourself and STAY SINGLE until you’re better. Read the handbook: https://ia801705.us.archive.org/28/items/fds-handbook-v-1.35/FDS%20HANDBOOK%20V1.35.pdf