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I categorized this post as a "rant" even though to me it's a sober and honest view on my perspective vis-à-vis men.
After more than a year of being decidedly, completely, and faithfully single, I held my nose tightly and went on a few dating apps. I hate that the default "actively dating" scenario in our culture and time means being on a dating app, but here we are.
To say it's been disappointing is a tragic understatement.
When on God's green earth did men get so ugly and so unattractive?
A veritable potpourri of "ENM" and "ethically non-monogamous" and "married but looking"
The idea of these ugly men (see no. 1) swiping right on me, "liking" me, and salivating over my general aura while I wanted to constantly vomit in my mouth was enough to break me
A date who lied to me about his name, his parental status, and who knows what else
Broken date with a man I was already on the fence about "because I just got so busy" (don't flatter yourself, my guy)
A phone vetting where the guy literally called me a "misandrist" simply for sharing a normal experience I've had as a woman (so thankful I vetted this madman)
Deleted everything off my phone and returned to my natural state of peace, only this time without zero FOMO over the dAtinG sCenE once I could see for myself what a wasteland it is and how men become holograms of human beings on them
So that leaves me with some questions about myself. What does decentering men look like now, when I've had more celibacy and singleness and distance and perspective than ever before?
For one, I'm not returning to the apps. Maybe not never but I'd sooner stick a poisoned dart in my own thigh.
But more importantly, I'm so recommitted over improving my financial and career prospects that any former yearning for intimacy with a man has evaporated. There is literally nothing they can give me that I can't give myself, only better and without headaches.
I'm a little scared because I've never found men less attractive than I do now. I'm not asexual, but it has me wondering if I'll ever have sexual intimacy again because men are so repulsive and disgusting as a class of people to me. (My date last night referenced my "flexibility" because I'm a dancer and I pretended not to hear but the sheer causalness of the entitlement to objectify me when we've established no chemistry or mutual interest is a small but good example of how they cancel themselves out.)
Decentering men for me at this moment means letting go of any and all "hope" that some beautiful, respectful, strong, and kind man will enter my life and add value to it, because maintaining this hope, however wonderful in theory, will keep me in a state of lack.
I don't know where to draw the line exactly, but I think I'm... done. If it happens, I'll be glad for it, because I think true intimacy and connection can help make your life better. But I have disabled hope from my repertoire.
Note: this whole thing is harder for some than others. I don't have a strong family structure (scapegoat in a narcisstic parental dynamic) and I've had to build my own path since I was very young. I've excised non-reciprocal, non-loving friendships. I'm still trying to establish myself in a new career path. So life is full of constant letdowns and struggles. But I know I can always count on me to have my back.
It's a little bit of a strange place to be but I'm fully embracing my feminine stoic here. If it's not directly tied to my health, my career, my money, my passions, my progress, or my (few) loved ones, I don't care anymore.
Fin.
I made a similar comment recently about hope, and maybe it came off negative or sad, but I really have started to let go of hope when it comes to men. The hope (at least for me) is dangerous. The hope keeps me trapped in the belief that maybe this person is the one who will finally love me or care about me even though every red flag tells me otherwise. Hope can make our logic and rationality and self-protection go out the window.
What does it mean to release hope around romantic love? It's painful. I didn't realize how much I was holding on to the hope (and the fantasy) of being loved one day. But now that I am releasing the hope, there is a kind of freedom and lightness. I can just live my life. I can avoid men as much as possible. I can protect myself better.
I will never shut down an organic connection that develops, but I can't wait around for it or force it or be desperate for it. Hope breeds desperation in me, I think. It still hurts to not be wanted or loved. It hurts to be so alone. I have no real-life support system to speak of, and my life is not in a great place, but I'll put my hope into myself and into my future, not into men.
You explained the thoughs in my mind too. decentering men has been the most frightening and freeing experiece. The years I spent, trying to be good enough, worthy to be chosen by a man were a waste. Now I no longer need one, even a HVM. I have time to focus on other things. It's good but also new territory. I focus on the different goals I have and follow other women who have also decentered men
I'm right there with you, my friend. I am in my late 20s and I haven't dated in years.
I think the odds of me finding the person I would want to be with are pretty slim and I am trying to come to terms with that.
Wow. Are you me?
I am RIGHT THERE with you right now. I just deleted my apps. Again. Agreed that most of the men are unattractive physically as well as personality wise.
It's like dumpster diving. Only I am reasonably sure that if I were to actually dumpster dive, I'd find a few useful things!
It's tough. It's sad. In a way, we are grieving something we wanted, but never appeared, and may NEVER appear. It's not fair. There are SO MANY wonderful women out there, but the truth is, in the current environment....that the men are just not at our level.
I've chosen, like you, to focus on what CAN happen. Fitness, finances, faith, hobbies, etc. The way I see it is if can have it good with all of that, I am blessed indeed. Sadly, one can't really have it all.
But that didn't stop me from hoping.
I feel exactly like this as well. The apps are horrid. You are not alone
I'm in the same situation with you. Just slightly younger, Im in my late 20s but I already feel tired of dating. Since I entered 20s, I met several men but none are even close to decent: closeted gay man, narcissist, also the usual soul sucking lvm. My friends who learns about the series of bad experiences also told me they probably never hear anyone with "rich portfolio" like me lol. I wonder if I'm cursed or something.
I was already tired at that point, also I found FDS so I became more critical to men. Then my childhood friend told me he likes me. I've known him for long, I like him too because he's (very) handsome and is a nice friend, albeit not so close because he spent a lot of time abroad. I know his family and he knows mine, so I think he has potential to be a good partner. While I was vetting him and he suddenly passed away. It happened so fast. I'm so heartbroken because I genuinely like him.
That really made me stop trying to get into a romantic relationship. Sometimes I think the universe is telling me I don't need to pursue romance... I met weird men, and once I met someone that could be a good guy he just died...
Ngl believing that I don't need to pursue romance gave me a sense of relief. Like a burden lifted off my shoulder. I have insecurities and tied my bad experiences with my lack of attractiveness or personality. I also worry if one day I'd marry the wrong person or wronged my partner. But now I don't worry much about it. And suddenly I can see "opting out" as an option. Back then it feels like an obligation...
I feel this. I often say it’s sad that I am straight because I am so incompatible with almost all men.
>There is literally nothing they can give me that I can't give myself, only better and without headaches.
This right here girrrrlll!!!!! 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
>Decentering men for me at this moment means letting go of any and all "hope" that some beautiful, respectful, strong, and kind man will enter my life and add value to it, because maintaining this hope, however wonderful in theory, will keep me in a state of lack.
same! i have no hope, and i think that's a blessing. hope, forgiveness and empathy are beautiful things, but when it comes to hetersexual relationships, they are a trap.