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Original post: https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/forum/scrotation-report/breaking-up-after-proposal
Well ladies, I am out and I am safe, staying with a friend in another state.
Thank you for the advice on looking into laws regarding the engagement ring. I was, in fact, in a state where the engagement ring is considered a "conditional" gift, and is only mine after marriage, so when I left, I left it on the counter with a note, and took pictures of all of it in case he tried to come after me about it.
I did not block him because I wanted evidence if he sent me anything violent, but when I got to my friend's place, I gave her my phone and asked her to monitor it for texts and voicemails from him, to delete anything that was just him being sad, and to watch for anything crazy. He didn't send anything violent or crazy, but he did call me back-to-back more than 50 times, left about five voicemails, and a handful of text messages.
And truth be told, I have been devastated and heartbroken. As strong as the clarity of the situation is, I did love him, and he had many wonderful qualities--obviously, because I accepted his marriage proposal. I was excited to build our life together. Things escalated so quickly after he proposed and we moved in together. We had been seeing each other for a year, and so "technically" there were more good times than bad. But it only takes one "bad time" in a relationship to wind up dead or beaten. And eventually, the ratio completely changes anyway.
Things that helped me get through this difficult time:
Reaching out to a domestic violence hotline. He hadn't been violent with me (yet) but when I felt myself slipping in my resolve (self-gaslighting at its finest), I reached out to the hotline to say "I'm not sure if I'm in a dangerous situation or if there's any saving this relationship, but here's what's been happening..." They gave me sound advice and confirmed what I already knew in my gut.
Re-reading what I posted on the forum here, and what I texted to friends, so I could remind myself what actually happened instead of gaslighting myself.
Listening to FDS podcasts--especially the Breakup Survival Guide episode, and the one about Gabby Petitio.
Friends. The friend I'm staying with is divinely supportive and kind. Those first few days she was completely nurturing, let me cry, listened without judgement, made me food, and encouraged me to stay as long as I need to and to allow myself time to heal. I've reached out to several friends, all of whom have expressed support for me. Community has been so important during these times.
Like one user said, I read chapters of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I’ve owned the book for a while but hadn’t read it yet.
As a quick aside--I bought a copy of the book used, and the woman who owned it before had highlighted passages in orange and wrote some notes about what her husband/partner said in some areas. The parts she highlighted were sometimes the same, but mostly different from my experience--however, I took my yellow highlighter and highlighted the parts that resonated profoundly to my situation, and felt like I had camaraderie with this woman. So in an interesting way, I felt less alone. Thank you, orange-highlighter woman. I hope you got out of your situation safely too.
My fiancé had never been violent with me. But this part of Why Does He Do That? stood out to me:
“If you are concerned that your partner may react destructively or violently to being left, listen carefully to your intuitions even if he has not been violent, or not extremely so, in the past. A recent study found that women’s own predictions regarding future violence by their abusive partners were far more accurate than assessments based on any other factor.”
It's been about a week, and there have been lots of emotions. It was important for me to take things just one day at a time. Some days I would be sobbing the whole day, and I would just tell myself, "I am taking things one day at a time, and today is a sad day." I removed our photos from my phone. I journaled. Over time, sadness turned into anger. Especially reading chapters of Why Does He Do That? I can't believe how much Lundy says that is just spot-on to my fiancé's behavior.
Each day that goes by, I feel better. I have been telling myself, "I am strong. I am resilient. I will not be afraid."
Break-ups are hard. I have no interest in dating for the foreseeable future--it takes me a while to emotionally unhook from a relationship post-breakup, and that's just fine. I'm taking the time for myself, doing my certification course, exploring a new state, and spending time with friends. But when I do go back to dating (if I even do go back to dating, for goodness sake; I wonder if it's worth it some times), for the next man, I want one with big arms, small eyes, who trains dogs, and hunts deer. 😉
Stay safe out there ladies ❤️
You should be so proud of yourself. You are a truly high value woman who knows her worth and what she deserves. I’m so glad you went with your gut and listened to your body. Women are very intuitive but we try to make excuses instead of just focusing on what our body/gut is telling us. Congratulations on getting out safe and protecting yourself from a life time of abuse, gaslighting and manipulation. Take care of yourself and process your feelings but don’t sit there for too long. He is not worth any more of your time. Listen to this YouTube video: it’s very powerful and helpful. https://youtu.be/3giiEwxfWEU
Congrats and well done! Thank you for the update on your situation.
We're glad you're safe and healing. You are strong and resilient, you'll be fine.
Thank goodness for Lundy Bancroft speaking the straight facts. It's chilling how many guys are like that
I'm glad you're okay. And I really like the part about orange highlighter woman. Im gonna do that to my book before I give it away. In honor and solidarity to you both, Yellow and Orange.
You are a bad ass inspiration. We can all learn from you. Well done.
Congratulations!! We’re all so proud of you. This is definitely not easy and it is okay that you will need time to process it. Let yourself feel all of these emotions and continue to be kind to yourself during this time. I’m so happy that you have good friends supporting you and that you’re working on keeping yourself busy with classes, sight-seeing and friends. If you have the time consider also starting a hobby or an activity that you’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance. It can be a nice way to look back and see the development of this new hobby and how much you’ve personally grown since the breakup. Cheers to a brighter and better future ahead sis!!
Just read your last post and this update. I’m sure it’s so hard, he played the part to get you emotionally attached and it hurts. On the positive side, this is why we follow FDS. To get through the hard shit. Good for you and we’re so, so proud, as others have said!!! You may have just saved your life. This is a testament to FDS. True QUEEN SHIT right here sis!!!!! 👑👑👑🥂🥂
This is wonderful to read! Loving how you're letting yourself grieve without losing the focus on what's important: your safety. You're amazing, and this post for sure will inspire other women to follow your example.
And if you pass the book on, the next woman will see the highlighted parts and feel the support from other women she doesn't even know, it's brilliant!
Congratulations queen✨
you did incredibly well for yourself and i'm relieved to know that you escaped safely. feel all the feelings you need to feel for they are all valid and have to be processed. then you can work on the other parts. ♥️
I’m so pleased to hear your update. You’re awesome.
You are a strong and amazing woman. You got this.
I am incredibly impressed with your queenly WISDOM. Having your friend guard your phone and meticulously sort for messages is a stroke of true brilliance. What a great idea! Brava!
Congratulations!!
Praying for you!
Congratulations on leaving that dumpster fire of an LVM! I hope you’ve done a lot of healing over the past few months. ❤️