.png)
I originally posted on Reddit but I hate Reddit so coming here instead...
Having high standards and boundaries is critical in dating, but I’ve noticed that I (and many other women) struggle with is setting standards for gifts. This can stem from a couple of things: feelings of inadequacy (“Oh, don’t bother just for me), feeling like a a gift is a debt (“Great, now I have to gift something back!”) For both, therapy is invaluable.
Society likes to tell women that them wanting anything nice is being materialistic and it's a frekaing deadly sin. Spoiler, it's not and you MUST know your worth!
And remember, FDS advocates that dating should be beneficial to you - he should be helpful/useful or able to buy you things at the very least. A man with a provider mentality won’t shy away from putting in effort and funds to make you happy.
YOU. ARE. NOT. A. GOLD. DIGGER. FOR. WANTING. NICE. THINGS.
I am advocating for not settling for a last-minute Bday or Christmas gift from Target or gas-station roses on Vday. Below are ideas of things to say that I’ve found helpful in express material standards going into dating and relationships.
1) Express that you are used to nicer things, even if this may or may not be true.
This is a corollary to the FDS advice of telling the minimum about past relationships, and when, then speak positively of them. Don’t make it a race to the bottom!
Here I’d play on the competitive aspect of men’s mate guarding behavior and channel that aggression into something benefitting YOU. I find that light and straightforward talking about it is the best strategy - no comparisons such as “But HE gave me nice things…”. Just matter-of-fact, “Yeah, I’m used to nice things”.
For example, you can say about gifts things like:
“My parents always gave me solid gold jewelry because it doesn’t tarnish or wear off. Quality lasts.”
“My best friend always gifted me the most amazing things for my birthday because they loved to see me happy.”
I would tread carefully on comparing things that an ex gifted, because that could come off as being not-over-the-relationship. However, this strongly depends on your dating context.
2) Express that you are not the one to settle
For example, you could say about your hobbies:
“I’m used to buying X brand of supplies because they are top-notch; a lesser grade is OK, but won’t give the same results and I love my hobby X too much to compromise”.
Or: “I only cook with real vanilla extract because it tastes better than imitation vanilla.”
Or: “X brand makes the very best of Y product, they’re the only one I’d use for Y product.”
If the points of 1) and 2) above are not actually true, you could say:
“I’ve been wanting to branch out into higher-quality jewelry/clothes/hobby supplies/X myself, because I think it’s time to stop compromising!”
"I used to buy just whatever to get by, but now I'm focusing more on quality and enjoyment."
3) If anyone calls you materialistic in a bad way, own it
“It must be nice to have so many nice things”—> “I’m grateful I’m in the position in life where I can afford to do so!"
“You have really expensive taste!”—> “It’s not that the price is important, I just don’t compromise on things that bring me joy or are useful to me if I can help it.”
“You’re soooo bougie”—> smile “And I love it!”
“I am not as materialistic as you!”—> “I see that! But luckily there’s no anti-materialism police out to to arrest me.”
4) When gifts, etc. do not live up to your standard
Be gracious always! But honest if he asks for feedback. This is not the time to suffer the male ego, but neither should a sign of affection be discarded. However, a HVM will pay attention and learn from your reaction and act accordingly. If it's clear you don't like it, then he should rectify the situation in some way.
Caveat: if the gift is something VERY CLEARY low effort like ... old chocolates from Dollar General for Valentine's Day, do not hesitate to say "I appreciate the thought, but I would prefer something not from the Dollar store." --> then block, delete, and toss the chocolates cause this man would be way too dumb to date you!
————
Men respect women with higher standards, and they feel the much more gratified when they do something that pleases you BECAUSE you have high standards. This is just as true for material things as for personal boundaries and standards. Men that don’t judge you, but respect you, for your material standards act very differently.
On that note, I must stress again that material standards vary wildly by person! Woman A may well want diamonds and Prada, and Woman B may want lots of ball-jointed dolls because she loves them. It all depends on the person and a HVM needs to be cognizant of this. Throwing diamonds at Woman B wouldn't work at all!
IF someone is unable to live up to your material standards, then that is a clear point of incompatibility, whether in income or mentality. I am not saying that every woman wants to wear Givenchy dresses or Xerjoff perfume only, but that YOUR standards need to be met. If you are able to treat yourself well, then he should be able to save up to treat you well or make it so that he earns more. Point blank.
I went out recently to shop for furniture with a newly engaged HV friend couple of mine. The fiancé has absolutely no interest in interior design but was willing to come out with his fiancée and I because we both like it. As he was checking out he jokes:
“At this rate I’ll have to have multiple jobs to support your fancy taste.”
She laughs: “And you’d still want to?”
Him, dead serious now: “With pleasure!”
This was so lovely to hear because 1) he shows a provider mentality and 2) shows that he respects and appreciates the work she puts in into making their communal home a beautiful space, when he can’t.
If someone starts calling you "materialistic" and "expensive" then wear that damn badge like the proud confident woman you are because hell yeah you are expensive af -- none of those stingy ass scrotes can get near your expensive and exclusive self.
If anyone, especially an older man says anything about you being materialistic simply quote Marilyn Monroe "If you had a daughter, wouldn't you rather she didn't marry a poor man? You'd want her to have the most wonderful things in the world and to be very happy. Well, why is it wrong for me to want those things?" Men just want to lower the bar because they are lazy.
It's always the women called shallow but men are expected to have high standards, in the same way they don't want ''used'' women, meaning non virgins, then women should set their oen standards too, but no when we do it it's shallow, if they do it, it's their right.
This is really excellent! It took me many months of work on myself to get comfortable with setting high material standards and many more months to figure out how to get men to meet those standards. This post would have helped me immensely. It has pretty much everything I learned boiled down into one neat, compact post.
Thank you for sharing this! So much resourceful information here.