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Disclaimer: This one isn't mine, this is u/arnezuara old post that I'm moving here from reddit. All credits goes to her.
”Always putting others first teaches them that we come second.”
Growing up, many of us have watched women invest their mental, emotional, physical, and even financial resources into men who refused to reciprocate.
Women sacrificed their time and health — two resources that may hardly be, if ever, replenished — for men who could not care less about their wellbeing.
We were taught that this is how women are, naturally: allegedly, it is in our ‘nature’ to nourish and nurture our loved ones, often at our own expense.
We were continuously bullied into compliance, forgetting that one cannot pour from an empty cup. How can a tired, exhausted, unloved woman be nurturing and loving?
How can this woman, when she is not given the time and necessary resources for proper recovery, be ‘giving’ to herself and others?
Therefore, it becomes imperative to learn the art of being ‘selfish’ — building intolerance to bad behavior, mistreatment and disrespect, especially when it comes from men.
That is why FDS teaches us to break this cycle by refusing to accept anything but the best, respectful treatment (no love-bombing) from men.
”Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.”
When dating, we do not to keep the takers. You need to cut a man out at the first whiff of him so much as simply inconveniencing you.
You have to know what your boundaries and limits are. What you need to have before you extend your precious time, energy, and affection to someone else.
Recognize that not everything should be of importance to you.
This means that you would have to stop treating everything as important and become more selective. Did something important, work-related came up? Would going on a date that day would only add to the stress? Cancel it, then. You do not need to show hard commitment to a man on your dating roaster — only your interest. That should be enough to have him keep trying.
Define your non-negotiables by breaking down your commitments.
Make a list! You have to ensure that you stay strategic when it comes to your goals and aspirations. Not only do you need to make time for it, you have to ensure that you honor your own boundaries when it comes to taking steps towards said goal. Be it your commitment to not have sex until marriage or wait until engagement, honor it. Honor the small things, as well as the big ones — make no distinctions between the two.
Do not chase validation or permission from other people.
Unless it is your most trusted mentor, friend, or relative who has your best interest at heart, do not look at other people to validate what should you should be prioritizing — figure it out yourself! Do not let unnecessary opinions steer you from the path of becoming your best self, be it in your career, academics, or else. So long as you stay committed to accepting only the best treatment, do not let others invalidate your high standards.
Embrace the validity of your decisions and boundaries.
It’s okay to give people a ‘hard’ no. You do not need to justify or explain yourself. Especially, when dating or dealing with men, be it family, friends, co-workers, and so on. Be confident in your ability to make important decisions!
Get comfortable with ‘letting people down’ and not being there to take care of others’ at your own expense.
The road to misery is paved with self-neglect. Learn to apply the same kindness, compassion, and goodwill to yourself, as you do to others.
Remember: your love and attention towards men should always be conditional and contingent upon how they choose to treat you.
Unconditional love should only be reserved to your children.
Prioritizing your needs and happiness first should reflect in how you carry yourself. Your boundaries and self-respect should never be broken.
Stay safe.
🙌handbook material. I’m reflecting on the fact that in this patriarchy men are allowed to center themselves at all times and get away with doing so. And when women prioritize ourselves the narrative becomes “selfish”. I’m glad to have FDS as a space to call out their selfishness. It ACTUALLY IS selfish when a person is in a position of power and is inherited to be put first in this patriarchy, but doesn’t have enough decency to to be empathetic enough to allow women to act the same. The entitlement from men and the double standard from this world put us in the position where it’s less ideal for us to thrive. Another reason why FDS is very important to me as a support system and a sounding board in my journey of defying misogyny, which gives me some of the loneliest feeling I’ve ever had to deal with.
Am enjoying my selfish years lol
I’m so glad we’re getting some of these early posts back—they’re what really embody what FDS is.
Great post! So well articulated
I completely support this post and while reading it a thought for another word came to mind: I'm changing the word selfish to self-supportive (for my own way of thinking).
I still struggle with putting myself first. But deep inside I know what needs to be done. Nobody come should come before my mental health and happiness. Not even my children.