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I started following FDS a couple years ago, and read part of the handbook but did not regularly implement principles or check posts. Recently, I was dating a guy and around the 4 month mark, I remembered what I read in the handbook about cutting him off at the first signs of disrespect and that men are on their best behavior at the beginning (never stop vetting)
Looking back and reading the handbook again, there were red flags:
-told me on the second date he wanted us to be exclusive because he knew I was dating other guys (lovebombing)
-most of his compliments were excessive and put me on a pedestal, such as "I love everything about you", "we are perfect for each other" and "you complete me" when we'd barely been dating for a month
-he lived with his mom and she did all the cooking, did his laundry, packed his lunches for work
-Told me he showed off photos of me to all his coworkers, friends, and family to tell them how he snagged a "hot girl way out of his league"
-I'm a nurse and he would talk about how women in scrubs turned him on-- he admitted he watched porn
-He would tell me he had always dreamed about being a trophy husband since I made more money than him
-Trauma dumped about his depression on the third date, saying he'd never told anyone what he told me--not even his mom who is his "best friend"
-introduced me to his mom when we were dating for a month and she told me she had a feeling I was her future daughter in law and that we have so much in common (literally met her less than five minutes ago)
-He was a picky eater and hated vegetables, his diet was fast food and his mom's high carb high fat cooking
-Complained about how expensive it is to live on his own but sunk most of his money into a brand new sports car and spent thousands on modifications, still complained about how ugly his car was and was never satisfied
-Told me there was something wrong with women who were 27 and still in the dating scene, I was 24 at the time we met
-Asked me why I was single and was shocked I wasn't taken already on the second date
-insecure, would tell me he hates the way he looks and doesn't deserve me
He did start out paying for everything, giving me high quality gifts on Valentine's Day and my birthday, showed interest in getting to know my family and friends, was very likeable, we shared values, and I was blinded by the bare minimum plus the intense attraction, I know, and that's why I gave him the benefit of the doubt at first.
Around the 4 month mark, I saw more cracks in his facade. He started saying negative things about other people around him. He was talking to this one girl in front of me, then as soon as she was out of earshot, he told me she was a ditz by the way she carried herself. I told him she did not appear that way to me and shut down that comment of his fast. He started negging me, saying I had no hobbies or interests (his hobbies/interests were d&d, video games, Harry Potter, superheroes, star wars. His entire room was filled with action figures, comics, and toy cars--this man was 26). He also started telling me I never dressed appropriately for the weather and that my outfits weren't approved by him (yikes). He started giving me the silent treatment after I told him I did not appreciate it when he made those comments. He told me he was just joking and never apologized. I remembered FDS at that moment, realized I do not need to tolerate his disrespect, and that I know my worth. The 25th birthday gift I gave myself (I dumped him shortly after my birthday) was ridding myself of a man who would make me miserable and shed myself of his negative energy! If he was that bad at 4 months, imagine how much worse he would be at the 4 year mark. I've been following FDS more closely now, and will take some time to myself to level up and decenter men from my life, I wanted to share a success story as implementing FDS will save you from toxic relationships, narcs, and mommas boys🎉
Never compromise your happiness for men, as soon as they want to get between things such as be exclusive, stop working to stay at home, drop out of class, stop with your hobbies for whatever reason then it's time to go. Men like that want to shrink your world so that he has the most control.
Women should be dating multiple men to choose the right partner. Women are the choosers and the fact that he wants to get between thats says enough. If it doesn't go well with one dude then you can easily move on to the next. Don't mourn men who leave you just leave them in the dust.
saying I had no hobbies or interests (his hobbies/interests were d&d, video games, Harry Potter, superheroes, star wars.I had a coworker call my hobbies "simple" (botany, farming, homesteading, landscaping and every branch of construction) when his hobbies are d&d and staring at a screen... Oh and he collects funko pops. Imagine being in your 30's and thinking you're an intelligent edgy mc. Edgelord because you scroll on social media and watch cartoon porn. 🙄 I've noticed this shit is an epidemic amongst a lot of men. Consuming a product isn't a hobby. There is no research or action within their hobby. Any interesting or useful information they scroll past is moot, because they can't remember what they ate yesterday, they can't retain anything. Unfortunately most nerdy men tend to just be couch creatures with an unearned superiority complex. You dodged a bullet.
Lol was there ever a mask to begin with? 🤣 This guy sounds like he advertised his misogyny and immaturity on a billboard. Jokes aside, congratulations for sticking to your guns and cutting him off despite the initial joy of receiving attention and gifts. It's a hard thing to do to be logical and objective about a man when you're already involved with him, and you did it.
Ouch!! Good on you for recognizing the signs! There’s so many men like him out there, unfortunately. They are essentially looking for a second mom
with added benefits. The comments he made were projections of his insecurity — He was really talking about himself.
I was a gamer in my twenties. Men like this inspired me to quit because I saw how they were wasting their life on fantasy and I didn’t want that to be me in my 30s. I also realized that video games were the reason I had low self esteem. 99% of these men will never realize that the fantasy obsessive ”hobbies” that they think are making them so happy are ruining their lives.
**These things in moderation are fine, but a lot of these men like the one you describe are OBSESSED with fantasy and live vicariously through it.
Great job at implementing FDS, albeit late but that's ok! It's all practice makes perfect. Asking to be exclusive at the 2nd date would have been enough for me, but that's ok. We all have our stopping point. I would say it wasn't love bombing but just plain possessiveness. Keeping you all to himself while he was probably still talking to other females. All the compliments that were putting you on a pedestal were definitely lovebombing.
Wow. Girl, this guy didn't just fly a red flag, that was a whole communist parade. Glad you're rid of him!
I am so glad that we are on the same page about the "showing you off" thing. I 100% think that a man should be proud to be with you and share your existence on social media and things like that but the second a guy is showing picutres of you to other men to show that he "bagged a baddie", I am out. A woman is not a little price everyone gets to gaze at. Especially as man, you know how insane and gross other men can be, why would you risk those getting the chance to oggle the woman you love? Also this is always such a reminder that women just elivate mens status by just liking them. Its crazy.