FDS isn’t just for single people

I’m completely new and have only recently found the podcast (actually through hearing the Depp one!) and started from scratch.

I know FDS is primarily for single women navigating the dating world but I wanted to talk about what it does for me, as a married person.

I was really young when I got married and people think the story is romantic but I actually hate telling it. I feel embarrassed by it as a strong female (now, not my pick me state beforehand) and that’s not because I regret getting married.

I was really lucky and I recognise that. And not because the man I married isn’t one of the “bad ones” but because I took a very risky step with terrible advice from misogynistic family members and put myself in quite a vulnerable situation. And it worked it well for me.

Until a few years ago, I was still very much in a pick me girl mindset until I was eventually exhausted enough to have a break down. I had a baby and was running a business, as well as doing the majority of household duties and parenting duties. I’ve also primarily been the one in my relationship to take care of the finances.

Realising this, I had to do a lot of groundwork on all of the relationships I had but, especially my marriage. I’m not saying it’s perfect, it’s not but, again, I have been very lucky in that my husband has listened to everything I say (most of the time anyway) and is trying to adapt and grow with me.

Setting these boundaries used to scare me. I used to be terrified he’d leave but my mental health has picked up somewhat and my workload feels a bit more evenly distributed.

Anyway, going back to the original topic, FDS isn’t really something married women would go to and it’s not because I see myself dating in the future but it helps me navigate what boundaries I SHOULD have had and how to introduce them into my marriage. It’s helped me reevaluate what I SHOULD have been entitled to from the beginning and, in all honesty, my poor husband would have definitely qualified as a low value man, albeit he had a lot of good traits and still does.

As we’ve matured and I begin to look at life outside the box of “wife” or “mother” (I was raised primarily by grandparents) he has, quite frankly, had no option but to either attain a high value status or we won’t work out.

And that was HARD. I put myself in a very vulnerable position of potentially being a single mum in such a hard financial climate BUT I know I deserve the equal effort I put into a relationship. And that doesn’t mean that we split everything 50/50, we simply are trying to find ways of reciprocating the love the other provides in maybe different methods. And by that, I mean with our work schedules etc we can’t possibly split everything 50/50 with like childcare etc. We’re still doing the groundwork so I can’t tell you about the finished project but I know that I’m now aiming for my own standard of marriage in one that also suits me as a person.

And before anyone gets worried, I listen to anything he has to say and we try to adapt that way too if it doesn’t cross my boundaries.

I do think relationships/marriages are a constant work in progress with compromising but it’s important to find the lines that can’t be crossed for you.

After all, marriage is just committed dating right?