On Emotional Difficulty and Struggle Love- an analysis of UFYB podcast

Okay, this is going to be a pretty long post, be warned! I would love to hear your insights on this- I believe a discussion on this concept is warranted in order to help us feel less gaslighted about these things. So, someone on this forum recommended the Unf*ck your Brain podcast, which has some very good insights and helped me with a lot of things.

There is this one episode that I found really interesting and kinda questionable. It is Episode 231, for anyone who wants to listen. Here are the main points she makes:

1. She talks about this in the context of her relationship and gives this advice for relationships in general. BUT she says that this advice applies to multiple other realms- including career, non romantic relationships, other contexts, etc.

2. She says that there is widespread messaging and "pop psychology" that advocates for quitting and leaving when things are not easy, when there is "emotional difficulty" and that this is bad.

3. She says that "real love should feel easy" is bullshit

4. She says that sometimes, you miss out on opportunities for self growth by running away from hard and triggering emotions. That thought work feels uncomfortable but there is good personal growth on the other side.

5. She adds a caveat- that "abusive relationships" are not worth the struggle

6. She says that not all hard things bring rewards and not all easy things are the right path to take.

7. She says that one has to discern for themselves when to continue and when to quit- without applying general platitudes such as "the right things feels easy" OR "hard things always bring the greatest rewards"

8. She says that the way you discern is by asking yourself the question- "Is my REASON and motivation to do this aligning with my core values?" She takes the example of staying in a relationship because you are insecure and believe that you won't find another partner and says that this is a wrong reason. She takes the same example in the context of staying in a difficult job. It is wrong to stay only if you feel you aren't good enough to get hired elsewhere

9. She says the right reason to stay would be if your core values are aligned and the challenges present a true opportunity for growth and a chance to work through your triggers and previously undealt traumas

Here are my thoughts on this:

1. You cannot compare relationships with things like jobs, skills and other non-human concepts. A job, even though it may contain difficult people, is NOT a person in itself. The two cannot quite be compared. I am unable to pinpoint why exactly, though.

2. Should "personal growth" and working through your trauma really even be a goal of a relationship? I understand that people push us and make us aware of ourselves and our patterns and we are not perfect- but this inner work should probably be done privately, away from the eyes of the other person.

3. There is a special disclaimer for romantic relationships with MEN. Men are SOCIALIZED to hurt women. Therefore, any triggers and emotional difficulty in relationships with men are IMMEDIATE RED FLAGS. I don't believe we should even stop to consider the "reasons" behind our aversion and icks. Intuition MUST be honored above everything else. Screw the "missed opportunity" for personal growth here. It's NOT worth it, life has a myriad other ways to test us.

4. On the same note, what really constitutes as an "abusive" relationship? Hitting? Verbal abuse? Slight dismissiveness? An occasional hint of disrespect? Being completely nice but subtly flirting with another woman? In my book, all of these are "abusive" because I would feel abused and dehumanized. But others may have different definitions, different lines they draw. They might not tolerate hints of disrespect- but they won't LABEL it as "abuse", which is fine, but UFYB's philosophy isn't valid there either.

5. I've noticed that her advice works well for career related things. I never used to feel good about math. I never did well, it always made me feel uncomfortable and unhappy. So I went towards English and Humanities because they were more descriptive and I did well. They came easy. But as I grew up, I realized that my aversion to math was not aligned to my core values- neuroplasticity, neurodivergence, feminism. I sat down with it again and taught myself in better way. I did the thought work necessary and I am all the better for it- significant personal growth and all.

I believe there is MUCH more nuance to discussions around relationships with men. There are a lot more double standards we must absolutely enforce, there are a lot more exceptions we have to make for general rules. This is because men are heavily and deeply socialized to NOT SEE women as completely human

What do you ladies think? Do you have any points to make about this? I feel that a lot of people can get gaslighted or at least confused here. No relationship is "perfect" but when to quit and when to stay seems to elude a lot of us. Most criticisms of FDS also revolve around this issue- "FDS is too harsh, too unrealistic, yada yada".