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Good afternoon,
I've recently, unfortunately, experienced and witnessed the systemic harm "Pick-Me" women can cause to others in a rape crisis center environment.
I've always been a person who operates with an FDS philosophy, even before knowing what that was. I center myself, my health, education, career, pleasure, and enjoyment of life. I'm part of the demographic of the happiest people around: child free (sterilized), single, independent. I have no plans to center anyone other than myself in my life and I encourage others to do the same!
Because of this, I was targeted and violently SA'd by a man I met this summer while we were volunteering. He felt insecure and wanted to "put me in my place" for existing as an independent, autonomous and happy woman. I'll spare a lot of details; as we're going through courts and litigation. But you can imagine what an insecure porn addicted scrote would do.
And if this wasn't enough, a month after the assault, I reached out to a rape crisis center via their 24/7 hotline while having late night PTSD flashbacks and couldn't calm down. I disclosed what happened to the crisis worker who then began discussing the importance of consent with BDSM. I was in shock. I just described an assault, and she's talking to me about BDSM? I went to complain to the manager in person who seemed to take my concerns seriously. However, when I expressed my annoyance and exhaustion from not only rapists, but all the women who enable them and eagerly act like free rapist trainers in our community are just as complicit. Then the manager pipes up and said something along the lines of "Even if you are into... lists horrifying misogynistic fetishes what's important is consent."
I felt like an alien. Surely I must be the last woman on Earth that doesn't want or expect violence as regular sexual activity. Instead of trauma informed care, it seemed like rapist-centered care. It was so insanely invalidating that even a crisis center for survivors failed to see the violence in what happened to me. It was just a matter of whether or not I consented to my own horrific abuse and subjugation from an acquaintance.
That being said, it pissed me off so much and let me see clearly why I need to take this fight all the way through. I have little faith in the courts, but he should be exposed for what he did, and this crisis center should as well. It's clearly reflective of a much larger sociocultural problem. Violence against women seems to be scrutinized and seen as wrong by most, until that's their kink. Then it's cool and should even be glorified and celebrated.
What a fucking nightmare for us to live and fight through. Not all other women are your friends, in fact, they can be the biggest supporters of patriarchy and would happily step on your neck for proximity to men and the meager perceived social benefits they reap for it.
I'm very tired, but recovering and not giving up. I've found comfort in other women that, just like me, are considered "radical" for expecting and wanting to be treated with humanity and dignity.
Thank you all for your existence and resistance. It's the medicine I needed.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. These pick me women will learn eventually. They think male validation is worth anything when it’s worth fucking nothing. It does more harm than good. Men have a strange weird kink of humbling independent confident Women. They hate it and can’t deal with it. It goes against their world view of being a Main character. Male entitlement will never cease to disgust me
Sorry to hear this OP 🤕 the normalizing of hardcore porn (BDSM) into everyday life is wrong. It was wrong when U.S. courts ruled porn was free speech back in the 1970s and it's wrong now. All porn must be banned. It creates unrealistic expectations like the horrible one you experienced. If you ever want to take a break and dig into this, I recommend reading Laila Mickelwait's book on the subject.
OP I am infinitely sorry this happened to you and for the whole process you are experiencing. 💗I fully understand it. I had nights of reaching out to hotlines too when struggling with insomnia and flashbacks... with zero help. The fact yours deflected to kink culture is putrid, but one thing I've learned is that society, pickmes, and scrotes will deflect to anything at all before they will admit that a woman got the short end of the stick in any situation, but especially with assault and SA. That includes crisis centers, police, judges, on and on.
I have been in similar situations and support from anyone was almost nowhere to be found. Not in hotlines, friends and family questioned my experiences, and courts made filing and being believed virtually impossible. I went through everything very, very alone which I know is commonly the case for women. Although I have always known how much the world is against us, these experiences really solidified that idea for me and it solidified two other very important things in my soul: I am my own protector and I am the only one who can rebuild ME. These are jobs I do not take lightly now.
I learned how little help or hope there can be for us out there sometimes, but I also learned to find the healing and rebuilding from within myself. It was a hard (but I think important) lesson that I needed.
You will learn to rebuild a better version of yourself and you will heal. It just takes time and a lot of self-love. I promise you will come out on the other side of it, even if the process is grueling and doesn't air in your favor in the end. You'll find everything you need to get through this inside of you. It is mindblowing how strong women truly are.
I donated to a women's shelter the other day and it kicked back up some memories about how nobody believed me or helped me almost the whole way through. As in, neighbors should have called the cops from what they heard, etc. People almost never care. At some point prior to Covid, I almost found myself needing a shelter. Something about dropping off the box made me realize how far I've really come from those experiences and I was happy to give back because I know the women and children in there have had the world turn a blind eye to their suffering probably the whole way through....
Someday you'll forget the details and you will be centered, at ease, and your cup will be running over enough to allow you to give back and keep an eye out for these situations. Pickmes are dangerous, but women like you are stronger and end up virtually untouchable. Women like you watch out for other women and that's how we win.
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you, girl. These hollow men tried to squash our lights but they will fail, women will thrive no matter what. Stay strong!
I never had many interactions with men, but a lot with pick-mes, I swear they are our weakest link. In order to move forward, we have to leave them behind. The ark is here and everyone who refused to get on board will drown.
Your ability to talk about this and share your experience is applauded. I was unaware that centers for women, that are supposed to support us are working as agents of the patriarchy. We desperately need more women to come forward and shame the agencies and medical facilities that are working against us.