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My mom is literally the queen of pickmes and I’m about to loose my cool with her.
I’m in my late 20s and I have been single for a very long time and of course I want to share my life with a man at some point but I don’t want to lower my standards and to end up with a LVM just because I was pressured into this by my pickme mom and she’s constantly telling me things like:
- Lower your standards! No man is perfect (she even told me this when a LVM tried to make me low my boundaries multiple times)
- You should go back to OLD (even though I’ve told her multiple times that every single guy I’ve met through OLD has been a waste of time)
- Every single time that I tell her that I went out with my friends she literally just asks me: Did you meet a man?
- “Marriage is the best thing that could ever happen to you”, even though her relationship with my dad is literally one of the things that makes me want to be single forever sometimes
And this are just a few of the things she tells me EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE HER.
Is anyone in the same situation?
I’d been a long time single when I told my mum a story about a couple in a bar. I saw this guy and made eyes. I realised very quickly that the beautiful brunette next to him was his gf, so I was going to walk away. She was visibly upset with her bf and went to the loo. He took the chance to speak to me. I told him his gf was upset and his response was that I was better looking and he’d rather go out with me. My mum was like “he likes you more, you should’ve gone out with him.” Babe, even years ago I knew if a man (1) upsets me so he can get a chance with another woman (2) is scoping out a new woman while he’s with me, then he’s a loser. He was lucky to have the woman he had.
Whenever I got together with a boyfriend my mother would be at pains to warn me not to "upset" them or "break their heart" because "boys are really sensitive and take it *really* badly". Major male coddling. No concept at all of things like "are you happy? are you being treated well? is this man worthy of you?" Imagine having a mom ever mention something like that even once, omg. I literally can't.
She continued to do this even after my first couple negative value boyfriends, and then in my late 20s after I had a seriously major breakdown following the end of my first real LTR with a decent guy. Her primary concern when I started dating again after that was that *I* don't upset any new man I get together with (that she hasn't even met!!). Crazytown, absolutely nuts.
Most of us likely have pick-me mothers. My mum has excused my BFs abusive behaviour after I broke down in front of her, normalized men's mistreatment of women, stressed to me how important it is to stay silent as a woman and never speak up, told me I can't have a full life without having children and often tried to get me to hook up with her friends shut in sons who stayed inside played WoW all day every day.
Next time your mom is riding your ass about getting married, reply: "Why? So I can be as miserable as you and dad?"
The culture my mom comes from is extremely misogynistic so even when she was the breadwinner she would cook and wait on my father while he hurled insults and blame at her. Thats what I still see in their marriage. Yet she still tells me all she wants is for us to get married and have children and be happy. But she dismisses me when I ask her if shes happy. I admit that I believe children and marriage to be a special type of fulfillment but Ill be damned if I repeat she and so many other women in my family have been through. I don’t even know what a healthy marriage looks like.
This post made me think: Due to the sheer number of LVM there are, wouldn't that mean most mothers ended up with one?
My mom is the queen of charity dating. I really respect her as my mom, but she made terrible choices in the men she dated and married. Some of that rubbed off on me and I’m still working on not being such a pushover on my journey to being a high value woman.
At some point I think we have to realize that parents don’t always make the best decisions. We have to realize they are fallible and take their advice with a grain of salt.