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I usually love spending time with my mom, we get along really well. Most of my childhood (and early adulthood) wasn't great, but I came to the conclusion that she had done her best with the information available to her at the time.
So we talk a lot, and when she tells a story I listen, affirm her perspective and chime in with my opinion when it feels appropriate. But whenever I talk to her about something that's going on in my life, she seems to reflexively take the side of the other person/people in my story and starts justifying their behavior in weird, unprompted ways. Like I'll be complaining that a guy doesn't have a bedframe, his apartment is a mess and even smaller than mine and she'll be like "oh, but smaller apartments are harder to clean", or I'll say that he doesn't have ambitions in life and she'll defend that, without even knowing him. And anytime I point this out she gets oddly defensive and acts either annoyed with me or above it all. The conversation is over at that point, obviously. Anyone have experience with pickme moms? Otherwise I love her very much and appreciate how close we are, but this seems to be a permanent roadblock in our communication.
I have a toddler, and when she’s working on expressing a point I reiterate it back to her in more concise terms and label the emotion she’s conveying. Now that I’ve been practicing this for awhile, I realize it works on emotionally immature people really well. Lol. In this example of the apartment, I’d reply in the best neutral voice with something like, “You want me to look past his poor cleaning skills and lower my expectations.” Then blank stare and silence.
My mom is a huge pickme! She complains about her husband then makes sweeping generalizations about men to excuse his behavior. Like, “oh I hate that he can’t pack his own lunch for work, but all men are incapable of taking care of themselves.” I tell her that is incorrect and women enabling this behavior and doing it for them is what allows it to continue, but she gets angry and refuses to talk about it anymore. Every complaint she has about the men in her life she just excuses by saying all men engage in that behavior. I hate it so much. Good thing I have strong, insightful women here to remind me that it’s all bullshit, otherwise, what a terrible message to tell your daughter her entire life.
I hope you recognize that this type of invalidation, especially from a mother, wears on your self-esteem. You’ll want to nip it in the bud with clear boundaries.
Sounds like she resents you which is common with PickMe women who don’t feel rewarded by patriarchy for their (internalized) misogyny. This dynamic is very common. That you’ve forgiven her for a less than ideal childhood does not mean she’s changed her ways. And forgiveness only benefits you if you don’t keep picking at the wound, pr else the barely healed scab is going to turn to an ulcer. Live in the reality that exists, in what way has she materially changed? Are you trying to will her into the mother you deserve? A good way to know if someone wishes you well is to listen closely to their perspective on what you deserve. This world is cruel enough without volunteering to be with people that stand with the world against you. Does she think you’re only deserving of filthy unambitious men? Is that the message she’s sending when you go to her looking for commiseration and affirmation of your standards? PickMe’s often resent women that are audacious enough to have standards. It’s more harmful when it’s your mother. Maybe start to expend energy on seeking out friendships with kind high value women, maybe that will heal you and you’ll be able to accept your mothers limitations, and have a r/ship that doesn’t hurt.
If you realize now where she stands, it's best not to discuss dating with her. It will be hard to vet when your family undermines it.
I experience this with every other woman I talk to. Regardless of age. It's like a knee-jerk reaction for them to try to impress men, even when there are no men around. They don't realize how pathetic it is because no woman tells them, and they've never had a HV man tell them either. Only shitty men who SAY "you're one of the good ones" and then continue to TREAT them like shit. It blows my mind because these women literally throw their lives away for the occasional words of affirmation from a dick haver.
My 70yr old friend, on the subject of her 2nd husband(who molested her toddler son) who purchased an online bride/sex slave - said "those women know what their doing."
Ah yes, its literal sex slaves who are the baddies, not the man who purchased them. (And also molested her only child. Wtf)
I told her the human thing to do for a hungry woman is to put food in her mouth, not a dick. She just shook her head lol.
She said she wished she had a friend like me to talk some sense into her in the 70's. I told her that she would have dropped me as a friend and badmouthed me to men and call me a prude. She said "you're right". 🤷 Pickmes are only somewhat self aware.
I have no idea how to navigate pickmes other than to avoid the subject of men unless she brings them up.
Its always the same.
Subject of a man comes up --
Pickme: Well *I* put up with anything! I have no standards or boundaries! I'm a husk who sucks fucks cleans and pays the bills! Women bad! I'll do anything for a scrap of attention! I have no autonomy, I'm not even a person! But I'm still better than all women, because women bad!
Literally 50 years of the same Barb The Builder/Kinkmeisha bullshit and no one connects the dots, because connecting dots is misandrist and being sentient is offensive, I guess. Boomer-genX-millenial-genZ. Its the same woman. Over and over and over again, thinking they're revolutionary for choosing to be a battered house slave.
Agree... Set boundaries with what you will discuss with her. You don't have to tell her you have set the boundary but if she asks about your dating/love life just keep it light or change the subject. It's a hard pill to swallow but your Mother is not going to be there for you the way you want her to be emotionally. I struggle with this a lot too (until see recent post, she crossed a massive boundary, triggered my Mumma Bear instinct and all bets were off). The best way you can keep track of where you're at/how you feel about dating is to keep a journal- it will help you remember things guys have said or done you're not sure about/help you see the red flags clearly, and if you can, find a trusted therapist to talk to about these things. I remember crying to my Mother about my ex husband when we were still dating about how he was texting his ex wife's sister and I thought it was weird. I told her how he got angry with me and slammed the gate on my hand. She told me "best not to make him upset"... Suprise suprise I'm a single Mother now, he has no involvement and I'm dependant on her and my scrote Father. Yayy! Adults that "did the best they could with what they knew at the time" do not give the best advice. Sorry for the tangent there, feel your pain sis
My mom is a pickme and extremely toxic. I think she does love me and my children, but I just can't believe what she's put me through. She's competitive and jealous toward me- I know this seems absurd, but others have noticed it, too. A lot of it is due to my dad- he triangulates by making it clear that he favors me. Even though my mom worked as an RN, she never got to control her own money, and has to ask him for it (and he often says no!) Whereas my dad has been supporting me to help me get through nursing school, and has been very generous. It drives my mom crazy and she will come to my house and point out new things, saying, "oh- must be nice" and mentioning all the things she wants, but he won't let her have. It's so awful of him, but also so wrong of her to take it out on me. I'll never understand those two crazies. I can't wait to start making good money so I can be out of this weird situation.
Would you ever say your mom's remarks to your daughter, if you had one?
oh same thing on my end only she ends up saying I'm right later on when I don't follow her advice