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So. I have this friend who was dating this guy at work a while ago. They dated for 6 weeks until he broke up with her. He told her that he felt as though he were dating a child (she's into a lot of things like Baby Yoda, Disney, Harry Potter which he wasn't into).
She called me up crying her eyes out and I stayed on the phone with her for like an hour trying to comfort her.
Now, a couple of months later, he wants to get back together and she's accepted.
My question is this. I'm quite frankly getting tired of always being the one that friends come to when they make bad decisions, usually I just let them get on with things because it's their life, but its getting to the point where I can't really take it any more. I've even shown them the handbook but they're not interested.
Friend in question is in her late 20s and this guy is going to turn 40 next year. He's also got a depression.
I have a really bad feeling about this but she's a good friend of mine and I don't want to see her get hurt.
Some people just need tough love and you have the right to maintain your boundaries.
"If you want to leave him, I'll be there. Otherwise I don't want to hear you mention his name in my presence again and I will not attend events or visit you if he is there. You know how I think about you going back to that guy."
Conditions for getting my advice:
Do they need advice for everything? Codependency.
Do they ask your advice but never take it? Ignorant
Do they strategically avoid talking to you when they are thinking about doing the thing, but then came to you when the thing didn't work? They knew better and they're using you for damage control.
Do they learn from their mistakes and work on themselves or do they keep bringing me the same problem? Stubborn
Do they even want my advice or is my concern for them wasted because they don't care about themselves as much as I do? Selfish
Do they keep asking your advice about something but they don't like the answer so they just live with the problem and keep asking advice about it? Coward
The older I get the more I realize my advice should come at a premium which is at least not being a total malignant self destructive dumbass, as harsh as that sounds. Helping someone like that takes a toll on me too especially if I care about them! Have some respect for me, my time spent helping you, and our friendship and take better care of yourself.
I had a friend like your friend, worse perhaps, because the scrote was verbally abusive and abused her in public. Me and my other friends were tired of hearing her complaining so we told her to ditch the guy, but she kept making excuses for him and nothing we say could change her mind. She refused to see the reality. So, we told her that we loved her, but her scrote was shit and that we wanted to hear nothing about him.
We ended up "agree to disagree" and nobody mentioned anything about her relationship, until one day the scrote cheated and she finally ditched him.
Sadly, it takes being hurt over and over for some women to wake up and smell the scrote.
With my friends who keep complaining about and returning to the same horrible men, I patiently listen the first time, and I empathize. After that, I say, “What is the benefit to you, in staying in this terrible relationship?” The question usually stops them, and they often admit they are:
Afraid of being alone
Still hoping he’ll change
Worried about logistics like money/place to live/coparenting
They like being the “good guy” in a relationship with the “bad guy” - it makes them feel better about themselves
A lot of this is very deep, and it takes a truly courageous woman to decide she’s ready to stand on her own. Some never make it out.
I don’t blame women. I blame society for brainwashing us into believing we need a man to have value or security.
Good luck. 🍀
Love - sister love - is powerful, and can help us all heal. ❤️🩹
Some people are not going to listen because they would rather get laid and feel like someone cares about them. You are interrupting their high. Sucks, but that's how it goes. I've been the idiot friend who refuses to let go of a terrible man before. I really put my friends through the ringer and was grateful that a few of them did care enough to tell me their opinion of him, even knowing I would not want to hear it.
However. If it's too much for you, you have every right to set a boundary. You can tell her "hey, I'm here for you as a friend whether you stay or go, but I can't be the person you unload on like this all the time because I feel like you're not listening to me. You have every right to do what you want, but I don't think this guy is a good person. I would prefer we talk about something else." Or something similar to that.
I've also found if you just are straightforward and say "I really do not have the energy for this conversation right now" people will listen. You are probably not the only friend they have in their phone.
i give the advice once, try my best not to sound judgemental. if the friend chooses to listen, good for her. if she chooses to get defensive and insist on the mistake, i let life teach her the lesson it's trying to teach.
your situation shows that you need to set boundries with your friends. but at the same time it hurts you when they get hurt. i think the best thing for you is to come to terms with the fact that for some people the best way to avoid certain mistakes is to make them first and learn. you can't save all the ones you love if they don't want to be saved. it's a harsh truth, but understanding it is part of life has helped me a lot. i hope it helps you too.