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As we all know, boys are generally socialized to prioritize self-interest above all else, whereas girls are socialized to prioritize the other. This kneejerk reaction to be polite even when something feels fundamentally wrong in the gut can result in, of course, some undermining situations for women at best, and pretty dangerous situations at worst.
However, the instinct is preserved nonetheless and the gamble taken, because we are trained to believe that offending a man is equally bad (if not worse) as what could happen to you if you just go with the flow (WhO hURt YoU? JuSt GiVe HiM a ChAnCe!)…. be that bucking him is outright unsafe (as it sometimes is), or that it will cause you to “lose your man” (which is presented to us as a fate worse than death).
We all certainly have been guilty of it….albeit if you’re on FDS, you’ve likely moved past this (or are actively working on it) to where you remove yourself from these situations the moment you see the mask slip (as soon as it is safe to do so). However, with “prioritizing the other” being so engrained in our programming, we likely still see it in other women.
So my question is, when you do see it happening re: a woman you care about, do you discourage it or just ignore it? Does it depend on certain factors (nature of the relationship, her past patterns, severity, age, etc.)? What are your approaches? What has succeeded for you and what has failed? I am trying to discern the best way to address this when I see it (and when I even *should*), but through an FDS lens.
If it isn’t already clear, I am not so tough that I have no patience for these instincts, as my stance is grounded in empathy, given I understand where this all stems from. But it is also not so lib-femmy soft to where I account anything that implies that women are adults and do need to take some level of responsibility (even in the face of those doing them wrong, and factoring in our social conditioning) to all be “victim blaming”. Like at a certain point, it’s on you because when it’s just him and you (and a society that encourages your obsequiousness), you’ve got no one but you to defend you. I suppose it’s parallel to the “your mental health/addiction/disorder/etc. is not your fault, but it is your responsibility“ stance. So I hope you will factor in that I fall somewhere in the middle on this. Thank you!
Previous naive doormat here! I absolutely succumbed to female socialization for much of my life. My mom was (and is) very weak and insecure. Seeing that led me to being similar. Only recently has this changed, largely thanks to the FDS podcast and radical feminism. I think having HVW role models is the best way to overcoming the socialization. You can't be it if you can't see it. No exaggeration, listening to the FDS podcast truly changed me. Everything I wish I could've had as a young girl. As for teaching others... I think they have to feel the desire to change first. I've tried to get my mom to have a backbone and take charge in her life but I know she'll never change. The best we can do is set an example so that shy, insecure girls see that it's possible to live a better life.
To counter female socialization, ask questions. You telling them won't make them understand. Let them answer on their own. Let them come to the conclusion, then reinforce it or correct it by following up with another question.