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Long story short: she got divorced, used me for my independent single-woman take-no-shit energy for a few months while she was exiting her marriage — and now that she’s found a man, she wants a friend she can go on double dates with. She didn’t say that in her “break up” text, but she has said that before. I am not going to go out with just any scrote to go on a double date. She seemed to think I would do that for her but that was too big a favor to ask.
She would also ask me for small favors and I have had to say no a couple of times — or recently, I said I would go check on her cats, and my car got snowed in, so I couldn’t. I let her know in plenty of time so she could find someone else. She didn’t, and then guilt tripped me about it. (It was ONE day — she left on a a Friday and returned on a Sunday — and they are cats who eat dry food. She asked me to stop by so I could pet them and scoop their poop. I was not getting my car stuck for that! I know everyone’s pets are dear to them. But you have to understand your friend’s dilemma in this situation too. I just felt like she had zero empathy for me at all. But now I am realizing she only cares about the approval of men, only cares about accommodating men.)
The thing is with the favor to check on her cats — which was the last straw for me — I felt bad about it but again, it was one day and I wasn’t even tasked with feeding them. I feel bad anytime I commit to something and I can’t do it though. When she returned, I told her I felt like she was guilt tripping me by sending a response to my “I am still stuck and I won’t be able to get over there today, as I was afraid of” text that said “I hope the kitties are okay. 😞” on top of that, there were a couple of other comments she had made recently about my apartment that were insulting to me. Her and her ex husband had properties together and he’s paying her spousal support, so she can afford to live in a newly refurbished apartment by our botanical garden. It’s not like I live in a bad neighborhood or a little shack, though. It’s just a regular degular (old, we live in an old city) apartment. She made a comment about how I have “lots of stuff” and then made a comment about the rickety toilet in my bathroom. I had journaled on her comments and reflected on why it bothered me before speaking up. I tried to let it go but it was still bothering me so I decided to talk to her about it. She then replied with a fake-sounding apology — “I am so sorry anything I’ve said has sounded judgemental…” and said this friendship is more taxing than additive, and I wish you the best in life. Then she unfriended and unfollowed me on social media.
I was relieved because I was feeling the same way, but I think it’s telling that she immediately had to say that as soon as I stood up for myself. I do have a point, here — that this was one sign. She made derogatory and disrespectful comments about me and where I live. Last time she came over, she made comments about how “it’s SO CLEAN in here! What did you do???” um, well, I cleaned. Because I made time to in between deadlines. Last time you were here, I was on deadline, and you knew that. And apparently you still judged me. She also said “oh it’s also probably because when I come over you’re usually doing laundry! Hahaha!” — sometimes I have a drying rack out in one room if my clothes are still drying. I have to use my second bedroom as an office, not as a closet like she does, so sometimes it ends up in my living room for a few days. She just never seemed to have respect for people’s different lives and preferences. One of those who would say she did but then say shit like this.
She would also make little comments about how she loves her job and it’s soooo easy for her to “make a difference” at her job. I am an investigative journalist and for me to make a difference with my work — yes. It’s a massive challenge. It takes weeks and months of painstaking work and back and forth with the government that very few people have the patience or temperament for. But I do. I always have. This is always what I’ve wanted to be doing. I would sometimes share about how challenging it is — you know, because I thought we were friends. But she just used that against me.
I honestly think she is sad because her husband left her and she never thought that would happen, so she never planned to fill that gap or hole or whatever with anything. She has nothing that drives her when she gets up in the morning except desire for dick, because…
The main reason she wanted out of her marriage was because her husband and her weren’t having sex anymore. I feel like she left out some details as to what happened, but whatever, all I know is she kept loudly announcing to me legitimately every time we hung out about how she’s HAVING GREAT SEX NOW and the man who wasn’t having sex with her is now paying her a bunch of money. That is all great! For her. I don’t want that. I don’t want to have sex with a man at this point in my life — too risky for many reasons — and I sure as shit don’t want to depend on a man for money in any way. Her now ex husband also told her he was asexual and now is posing with another woman in photos all over social…yikes. Who knows what’s going on there. Except maybe his new girl is asexual, too — or, my thought is, he just needed an out of the marriage. Which is cowardly and terrible but she kept trying to work with him and talk to him and fix things, and it was clear to me he wanted out. I think she wanted him for his money, which I know FDS does endorse in some ways, but I don’t think like this. It really felt like she was trying to be understanding with him bc she knew he would fund a safari trip to Africa for her next year, you know? And they don’t have kids. So I was just grossed out by it. One time we were talking about doing chores and she said something like “I used to have a husband I could boss around for that! Hahahaha” and I was like right, and now you don’t. Gee. Wonder why.
ETA: I just want to be clear that I acknowledge her ex husband may have done some scrote-y things, but she just kept hanging on and trying to talk and understand over and over and over again. When she finally decided to leave I was surprised it took her so long to figure out that was the right answer.
Finally, the ultimate pick-me sin: her new man said he wanted to post on social media about them being together. Then he said he didn’t. Then he said he did! Then he said je didn’t. When they talked about it, he said stuff like “I’m not ashamed of you! That’s not why I’m hesitating!” 🫠🤡 and he said a lot of things that were to her confusing and she blamed it on his anxiety and that “he spirals, and I just need to be there to help him.” You can expect what happened next. I told her I think he’s being manipulative, and he knows what he is doing, and does she want to keep dealing with this? And that I wouldn’t put up with it; is she feeling more stressed by this man than she’s feeling the benefits? She just ignored that question and laughed and said “I do like having a man in my life!” — and then they talked about it and she “felt better and understands what I need to do to help him while he’s spiraling.”
Nope nope nope. I wouldn’t have entertained this. That’s when I decided “ok, we are into full pickme territory here, and I need to start pulling away” and then the week following is when I got snowed in and all that happened. That whole thing also made me feel like she was only friends with me bc I lived nearby and could do her favors like this. So it’s better she hit the kill switch, but just let this be a cautionary tale.
Just like with men — at the first sign of pickme-ism, RUN. When you know, you know. Listen to that gut, and cut and run. Not worth your time and these types of women just like to leech off of a strong woman’s life and energy. Don’t let them. It took a lot of work for me to get to the life I have now, and I don’t need anyone like that draining my precious battery. You don’t, either.
PS: her sister is a prostitute who posts edited photos of men eating her out on Facebook 🤡 and she accepts gifts and money from this sister and she knows how the sister got it. But then would talk shit about how her sister made the money, to me. That always weirded me out! Another sign that should have told me “probably not” on this friendship.
This was therapeutic to write, so thank you for reading if you did. It is SO HARD to find FDS-aligned women!
Oof, she sounds like such a drain on your energy and resources. The lack of understanding for you literally getting snowed in but still giving her plenty of heads up so someone else might be able to help her out (for a FAVOR not an obligation), yet endless understanding for men who are giving her the run around.. it’s exhausting. People like her are exhausting. They’ll ask for advice and they love having people around who will build them up, but then they drop all the advice you gave them as soon as a guy gives them attention and validation. Not even quality validation or consistent attention though.. just any attention. Because if they cared about quality, they’d take your advice and stop relying on having a man around to bolster their self-esteem.
Next thing they do is try to convince you how amazing their life is now that they have a man, and try to get you to “join in the fun” by dating casually, getting set up (by them), etc. And you just know that if you let them set you up, they’d pick some godawful dude who happens to be friends with the guy they’re seeing. “But it would be SO FUN if we were dating guys who are friends too! Then we can go on double dates all the time!”