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I've been a pick me from way back. It really got bad after high school, in college, when my "boy chasing" turned into sheer desperation. I had absolutely no self esteem or self worth. I let guys talk to me anyway they could, and treat me even worse. I've worked past a lot of it, and accepted that I did what I felt I had to do at the time. Although I forgave myself, I still feel a little ashamed of who I was at the time. I didn't know I was a pickme, though..
Some of the lowlights include:
- being a literal punching bag
- being with a guy who lived with his baby mama. We later married and that was a shit show in itself for another time.
- paying guys bills
- sending nudes
I thought guys wanted a doormat. They called it "ride or die", and that meant that I would do whatever it took to keep my hooks in a LVM who only wanted to ruin my life. I really thought that by being loyal and having my wallet open, I could get what I was looking for.
Last Sept I was in a textuationshit with a guy I met in 1986. We never really got together in high school, but we were briefly in a place physically and emotionally to try again last summer. It's LD, and we both work crazy hours, so a lot of comms were texting. I wasn't looking for a husband but i was willing to see where this went.
On Labor Day, I get a text that he wanted to work things out with hs estranged wife who had left him for another guy. Uh, ok. That night I started blocking amd deleting and deactivating my SM then I went NC. Then I found FDS.
Overnight, I was able to see everything I was doing wrong- buying gifts, sending nudes, just being too open in general. Too needy, too desperate. I was also able to see the negative flaws in this dude-- you're really gonna give your wife a year long hall pass? Wow. I dont even want a part of that. And your daughter thinks you 2 belong together?? Yeah dude. You deserve a liar and a cheater. Good luck.
He did come back, ofc. Story for another time.
Through FDS, I realized that I don't want another LTR. I don't ever want to live with anyone again. I'm fine with dating and keeping acquaintances that I occasionally see, but sex is off the table until I'm ready. And rn, I'm not even looking.
You are great, keep it up!
No youโre right, at some point we need to stop cringing and shaming ourselves and just focus on who we are now. Thanks, Iโll remind myself of that the next time I dwell on past behaviors too long.
Totally proud of you and every other woman who is able to come to and wake up out of this crazy matrix that we've been indoctrinated into and be able to leave someone who's treating you so horribly.
What I do want to say when I notice women sharing these kinds of stories is all the ways they put themselves down and shame the crap out of themselves for their past behavior and that needs to stop. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself! All of us have been there at some point in our lives because this is what we were conditioned to do and to be like! The majority of us have been conditioned to not pay attention to red flags or even know what they are, to override our own gut instinct for one reason or another and to keep giving chance after chance after chance to these jackrabbits.
I still have trouble not shaming myself over some of the mistakes that I've made and we really need to be careful about talking about ourselves or each other like that. Especially with how widespread this stuff is. There are other women in this mode who need help and support to be able to get out and I feel like shaming ourselves or shaming each other doesn't help with that.
Be gentle with yourself, Queen! That younger version of you needs to be loved on too! ๐๐๐
Itโs just the beginning of your journey!
Thank you! There was an actual "ah ha!" moment. It clicked immediately. Never again will I give myself freely or get the tingles that always lead me astray. Nope. That part of my life is done.
No more will I focus on "do they like me", and more "do I even like this guy?"
Vetting is so important. I let so much happen in my life bc I didn't allow vetting.
Now that I know better, I can do better.
Iโm so happy to read about your transformation! Wow! Was there an actual โah haโ moment when reading through FDS or was it the culmination of too many red flags? Iโm proud of you, Queen ๐