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First off, thank you from all my heart that you're taking the time to read this.
I'm miserable right now and need a safe space to speak about it. I know I'm the idiot here and thought, why not list all of the bad things that this scrote has done to me so I can somehow move on. This is a long post, so buckle up...
I don't even know where to start.
I realised that I have so much mental baggage left, that I keep choosing men who have pOtEnTiaL and I screwed myself over several times by accepting relationships that only tore me down because of that.
So let's start back on 2022 with my most recent fuck up.
Disclaimer: it only gets worse until the point where he attacked my physically and will now get charged for physical assault.
I engaged in another one of those "relationships with potential" which was my first big mistake because of course I thought "at least he's kind and fit and handsome", and while he indeed was lovely to me a lot of times, he stopped running daily and quickly gained 30 pounds (back).
Then he moved closer to me, which was indeed quite sweet, because he took care of my dog when I was working.
He would take care of me as long as it were simple tasks and if I called to ask for help, he would indeed be there ASAP to help me out. He cleaned my kitchen, fed my pets, helped me carry anything, got me anything I couldn't get myself (large,heavy things).
So basically the absolute bare minimum.
Now to the shit show list that'll hopefully keep me from further being sad about losing the relationship:
Well when he found out that the new apartment he just moved into was trash and had unbearable living conditions (cold as fuck in the winter) I heard that my neighbours were moving out so I let him know and encouraged him to just move upstairs, because I'm dumb as fuck. Well he didn't move there, ladies:
He also was stuck in a low paying job and when I made him (another grave mistake on my side here) change jobs to something more challenging and better paying, he quickly spend his new income only to have a Burnout 3 months later and get fired 4 months after starting the job.
That would have been the exact time where he would have moved into the (beautiful) apartment above mine, but instead of moving, he decided to have a mental breakdown instead and call my landlord to cry about how he couldn't pay for moving and that he had lost his job and also that we had had a fight.
Great.
But at least he took me to my favourite Asian place every other month.
But it doesn't end here, because I name myself the new pick me queen:
He was a self proclaimed photographer. He did not take great pictures of me. They were so bad, in fact, that it semi-triggered my long gone eating disorder, but he kept telling me that I was the only one who thought of his pictures as bad and cried that he just would not take any more pictures of me then.
Then when he was unemployed and struggling with money, he sold his (6k) expensive camera for 1k to pay for car service (read later)
He also claimed that he wanted to support me to buy a house and have kids, but after his Burnout he sat at home for 8 months and didn't even seriously look for a new job. Guess who sent him job openings and neglected her studies for that.
Also we had sex for the first 2 weeks of the relationship and then he never initiated again because he thought of himself as fat and ugly and he found sex weirdly uncomfortable. (What) but he kept telling me that he WOULD get therapy and that he was sorry. What a sweetheart.
Also his mental health was so bad, he had ADHD, was on the autistic spectrum and was trying for 8 months for a clinic to take him in, but somehow nobody could diagnose him or even remotely help him. Guess who sent him addresses and advised him about what else he could try. This bitch. 🤡
And then he bought my old car, didn't fix it in time, only to let it rot for several months and then realise it would cost him a LOT to fix it. I still don't understand why it was broken all of a sudden, but oh well i of course sold him a piece of junk. But when we tried to fix it to save some money(I have the knowledge, he has the muscles) he tore the entire axis out when he wanted to work on the car by himself. There was oil everywhere.
Only to then have a mental breakdown and scream at me like a maniac that I was at fault, because I had left him to work on the car by himself.
Are you tired of reading yet? Because we're not done.
He went on his first festival with me and proceeded to eat for 4 people every day (I mean, its none of my business) and then he slept through the entire last day, only to pressure me to leave immediately after the last concert so we could be home earlier. But then he had to take 6 breaks to take a nap because he couldn't drive at night.
Oh yeah and did I tell you that at the old, low paying job, he could have made way more money by taking the night shift? He wasn't allowed to take that shift because he was unable to work at night, he was just so tired. Poor baby.
I'm also a very clean person, but he left my couch in a mess every time he sat on it for 12 whole months until I broke into tears. Only then he "finally understood" that it was indeed important to me how he left my couch and he didn't get it prior to me screaming in tears to him, because he's autistic.
But suddenly he could rearrange the pillows after leaving the couch.
Also he tried to break up several times but guess who made him change his mind. (I'm queen pick me, I know)
Also, and this one hurts a lot. I've been writing fantasy as a hobby for almost 2 decades. He's been writing science fiction as a hobby for the same time. I focused on finishing my first novel so I could self publish it, and do you think, for the love of God, that this unemployed man was able to beta read my story without me having to force him? No. Not a single chapter. It took him 1½ years to get to page 350 or so, and he had the audacity to lecture me about the quality of my writing, because of course he's Mr Stephen King himself. He yelled at me for 5 hours because I made one character leave his purse in the car and my protagonist therefore had a chance to look at the ID.
He yelled at me because he thought it didn't make sense and was bad plot and nobody (yes "nobody") would ever want to read past that point of my story if I didn't change it to his better knowledge.
Then, day x came.
This is December '23, after 1½ years of the relationship
He refused to make the bed properly, among other things. I had just had it at this point.
And then we fought. I told him "at least I can hold a job" and he yelled "at least I'm not a victim to communism".
Then he left and I threw a cup after him. Then my smart ass that only fears God himself drove after him. I forced my way through his door and at this point he asked me to leave, but I had left my brain at home. I wanted to apologise for throwing a cup after him. He then yelled at me at the top of his lungs and tried to forcefully move me out of his apartment. I refused to leave. He he pushed me to the ground several times and screamed insults and more. Then he grabbed me by the throat. Not for long, but I hit my head and don't know how I got out. I called police, got taken to the hospital by ambulance but I only had a mild concussion and a few bruises. At least.
My delulu ass thought he didn't hit me after all, he just lost his temper and it ain't that bad.
Oh well and guess who's been trying to fix things. Of course he ain't the one, he just plans to go back to his mom.
But listen, he really DiDnT mEaN it he still wants to give me my Christmas present he's SUcH a NicE gUy and I can fiX tHiS. If I hadn't thrown that cup, the relationship would be fine!
Enough sarcasm, what, for the love of God, is wrong with me? Right now I feel like nothing will ever make sense again and that I should send myself straight into the psych ward because I'm caught in a deep depression and keep thinking that this was all my fault.
You are not the biggest Pick Me I have seen. Every woman I have known has picked disappointing men because they are the most common. There is stuff like trauma bonds and being raised to give a man the benefit of the doubt to factor in. If you take him back, then you need to give yourself a shake though because that is a mighty upsetting mistake to watch women do. If I, for no reason, threw a cup at my partner that is cleaning my table behind me, he would be hurt and shocked but what he wouldn't do is harm me and then blame me. It sounds like reactive abuse, next time, throw a brick j/k lol. The biggest Pick Mes I have met were not like you (I assume). One is a woman who became a hooker and stripper for validation but still slept with frat boys offering FWB ..for free. She also didn't get money in advance because she thought she was so worth it that they wouldn't want to mess it up for next time. They could call her names and treat her bad but she would rage if they talked to another girl or prioritized their wife or kids. The other one was married and had sex with men in VR on the side. At least that's what she said but when I became her friend I soon figured out she fell in love with these losers and was desperate to be around any of them. To the point of saving up to buy one virtual manwhore a better headset, and crying that the biggest joke of a man I have ever seen kept turning down her offer to be alone together. In the end, she chose to hang out with my ex over me despite knowing it would crush me and end our friendship. I'd rather you make a mistake of being trauma bonded to one guy and learning from it, than centering anything with a penis and hurting the women around you. Look into trauma bonds and don't take him back, even if you feel bored or lonely. It will just be more of the same and worse.
It's never too late to change your ways.
I'm glad you posted here and hope you don't get reamed for "trauma dumping ", as some would call it. This type of reflection is important and I think a lot of us can relate to it.
When we know better, we do better.
On to better things.
Oh sweetie, that was tough to read. You've had a rough year and a half, give yourself some grace. I'm proud of you for surviving and self reflecting. It's definitely not too late to change your ways! You don't have children, pets or a house together, you can just dump him. DO NOT STAY WITH THIS MAN. He assaulted you and you could have died. Think about it. You don't need or deserve ANY of this in your life.
Did you grow up in an abusive household or is there any other reason why you think it's normal to be treated (and assaulted!) like this? You deserve only the best and this is... so very bad.
None of this is your fault. Seriously. But from now on don't let this shitshow go on any longer.
You're being way too hard on yourself. I was in a pretty similar relationship myself, he was so nice and helpful to begin with but it very quickly unravelled into an abusive mess. I married my horrible abusive boyfriend and the only reason we aren't together now is because he left me (I begged him not to of course!!). You are doing so well, you've recognised that his behaviour was unacceptable and that's the most important and hardest step. You did not deserve to be treated like that.
You are an intelligent, accomplished woman and even if this asshat hadn't abused you he was still an incompetent liability who was holding you back. Now you can move forward and achieve things you never would have if you'd had him dragging you down. I hope you feel better soon, I promise things will start to lighten as you process what happened and start looking to your amazing future x
Ok sure, yes you were a pickme, but this honestly sounds like your average typical man nowadays. They are almost all this bad. Nothing here was extraordinary. Run of the mill, very common shittiness. He'll escalate next time he puts his hands on you, and might kill you.
Congratulations on being an author. Go get your book published and find a hot dude.
You were clearly dating out of sympathy, and that's never a good thing.
You broke up with him, right? Don't take him back. No matter what he says, don't get back together with him. This guy is trouble. I think you stayed with him because you cared about him. Sometimes it's nice to have a familiar person around to spend time with. Our society tells women that being alone makes you a loser. And maybe you have some issues with self-esteem that cause you to choose men that aren't emotionally well. I don't think you necessarily need to go to the psych ward, but if I were you I would not contact this man ever again, and I would get into therapy if you are not in therapy already. Oh, and trust me: you aren't the pick-me queen. Plenty of us have been there. Move on and move forward. You're strong and you will get past this.