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Queens, I think FDS might have saved my life.
Perhaps not literally, but definitely figuratively. You may remember a post I made a month ago, titled "Wanting to end a decent relationship for apparently no reason?". In it, I recount how my ex of 4 years was actually a really nice person, who pampered me and treated me well, but I felt off about dating him for no clear reason.
Thanks to FDS support, I was able to end that relationship (with a man 5 years my senior, who met me when I was only 18!). And well, now that I'm out, I'm starting to realize that my life would have been utter hell if I had stayed.
He was extremely childish. This 28 yo man was still taking his dirty laundry back to his mom's house for her to wash it for him. He couldn't behave appropriately in any slightly fancier setting (which he attributed to him being "a simple man", but was actually just him being a mannerless pig), and he constantly embarrassed me in public.
I, a 19-23 yo woman, had to mother him around and teach him how to brush his teeth before bed. I also taught him that he had to change his sheets more often than once every 6 months (I was getting SO MANY pimples from sleeping on that disgusting bed), and how to season food properly.
He expected ME to teach him basic life skills, like cooking, washing dishes, making a doctor's appointment, cleaning your own ears (!!!!!!!), making restaurant reservations, and SO much more.
His main hobbies were playing video games and watching youtube videos of other people playing video games. It was honestly so sad. I was also earning more than him, with 0 previous career experience, when he had had 5 entire years to build his career before me (and we worked in the same field!! He told me I was "just lucky" lol).
Not to mention the fact that he barely even cared about my health and safety. I need 8-9 hours of sleep, which he made fun of as "too much", and constantly called me a "sleepyhead" for actually prioritizing my sleep and having a night routine.
He then sabotaged my sleep schedule whenever I was over at his house, be it by playing on his console until ungodly hours on weekdays, or watching youtube videos in bed with the SOUND ON until 1 am. He was always so confused as to why I was grumpy and barely awake in the mornings, too! And suggested that I should just "learn how to sleep less".
He used to be a "party animal" when we had just started dating, which meant that he'd drag me to bars (when I don't even like those settings) and drink heavily. He'd then expect me to go home by myself, at 2-3 am, when I didn't even have a car at the time. He'd just leave me alone by the Taxi line and go on his merry way. I nearly got assaulted a couple of times thanks to this gentlemanly behavior.
I'd also get horrible migraines while I was with him, complete with nausea, light sensitivity, and pain so strong that it made me barely able to walk. He'd be extremely unsympathetic and expected me to be able to get in a uber or a cab (or even drive!) by myself in that state. After dropping him, I haven't had a single migraine so far! I think they were tied to my lack of sleep.
Not to mention, the gifts! It was like he barely even knew me as a person. I personalized his gifts to a fault, and I was extremely thoughtful and generous with them. The amount of mental labor I expended to make him happy was off the charts! And this man would simply "walk into a store 1-2 days before my birthday and grab something he thought I'd like then and there", according to his own words.
Needless to say, what he "thought I'd like" was usually just things HE'D like, that he expected me to like as well. And they were usually under 25€, when I would spend at least twice that on stuff for him. I only ever got the pocket versions of books from him... I wonder why!
The "pampering" I referred to in my original post was just paying for meals... And he only started doing it 2 years into the relationship!
That relationship was a disgusting trainwreck, and I'd have absolutely fallen into the mommy bangmaid hell if I had stayed in it.
I'm still in the "healing" part of my level-up journey, but I'm glad that I've finally dispelled some of the pick-me fog in my head. Being able to recognize his disregard and mistreatment for what it was is a big step for me.
Again, thank you all in the forum, especially those who commented on my original post and told me to run.
We need to learn how to trust our instincts again: if something feels off, it most probably is!
happy to know you're out of there, love. you were too young to realize what you had gotten yourself into but that's okay; learn from your mistakes. btw "i'm a simple man" = "i'm too cheap/broke to spend on you so i expect you to stoop to my level financially. oh and i'll spend whatever money i do have on whatever i want on myself."
Oh my. Like a member said yesterday, it’s hardly ever one thing that prompts a woman to get on a forum for guidance. I’m so so happy you’re free. My first r/ship at 18 was with a similarly selfish scrote who didn’t have his life in order, and I remember the immense relief and anger I felt when I left him. I just abhor selfishness. To freedom🍾
Wow, congratulations 👏 You prioritized your health and sanity and that's amazing. You dodged the bullet I didn't. I got into a very similar relationship at a very similar age and did not have FDS back then. It honestly makes me so happy to see a younger woman not falling into this trap anymore. Like you, I used to think my bf was oh-so-wonderful because he did stuff like taking me out to dinner frequently... (no matter he often made these evenings hell by nitpicking my outfit and expecting sex afterwards). But the same red flags were there from the start: mantrums, giving me gifts that mostly made him feel good about himself (until much later), expecting me to teach him basic domestic skills (and then whining that he was bad at it so I had to do it), extremely unsympathetic when I was ill or felt bad, video games as his only hobby... I used to think all of this was normal or fixable, now I know they're traits of an abuser.
Wonderful to hear young women are waking up. My jaw was dropped open in horror as I was reading about that relationshiT…. But then I had to admit to myself that was definitely me in the past… Thank the LAWD we’re free. NEVERRRR AGAIN
Congratulations for losing that dead weight! I remember feeling a sense of peace and lightness not even 24 hours after getting rid of my dead weight 😁
Well done getting out of there and not wasting your life with a covert abuser. This would have ended terribly if you’d married and/or had children with him.
Well done!! I've been there too, don't beat yourself up. It only gets clearer with distance. But, you've learned these lessons young, so you'll be starting from experience next time! Congrats!!
So sorry you were with this incompetent freak for 4 years.
i hope you only allow the best of the best into your life from here on out
Just...wow. The mental and emotional transformation you experienced is simply epic. I have a faint memory of you r last post but it is absolutely CRAZY to see this update. Your story i s the epitome of taking the scales off your eyes to see the truth
Congrats on your new life.
And yes, I can attest that the full extent of a relationship's suckiness often hits you afterwards.
Even when I thought I saw the red flags - there were always way more that I only fully realized after distancing myself from the situation. Idk, I guess that's maybe inevitable. But it doesn't really matter much if the first big red flag(s) is enough to end it. What matters is getting out without wasting precious time. Playing detective isn't really the end goal here (reminder to self ;)).
Good for you! So glad you trusted your gut, it knows what what's up even when we can't see clearly. Bravo!