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Ugh. Talk to me please!
Today I turned down a kind gesture in the grocery store.
I'm in Italy this week, and don't speak Italian. But I understood that the man in front of me was kindly saying that I should check out in front of him, because I only had 3 things and he had a cart full.
He was polite. He was respectful. And he noticed that I had fewer items. I told him it was ok, I was fine to wait. He was like "ok," and checked out normally. (fyi - there were zero creepy vibes)
Why didn't I take the offer? I like giving myself good things, but it's really hard for me to accept kindness from others. I don't like this about myself, and I think it's unhealthy.
I hesitate to receive kindness from both women and men, but more so from men.
How would I ever allow a HVM into my life if I push them all away.
Any advice? Does a switch just flip one day? Help.
First of all, enjoy Italy! I would love to visit Italy somtimes.
If a guy offered you to go first again next time, would you accept the offer?
I think we all learn from experience, and it took me several tries to change my behaviors. Like I used to hate conflict, but now I'm able to speak my mind and move on with my day just like that. You just have to practice more and you'll get there. You got this!
I used to be the same way, now I'm the complete opposite though. I actually can't even explain exactly what I did? It was gradual over time. A big part of it was shadow work (esp the father complex and also feeling like I didn't deserve anything) which healed the masculine-feminine polarity within me, so I attract a healthier dynamic with men in general now.
Then also becoming conscious of accepting/recieving. There's a moment when you want to push people away but you become conscious of it, and then make a conscious decision instead of acting reflexively. That's actually a form of healing.
I like that: notice the moment when you want to push people away.
I'll try to be aware of it in the future. Observe it, and then decide what to do. Thanks!