Still a pick me sometimes. I hate it

Ugh. Talk to me please!

Today I turned down a kind gesture in the grocery store.

I'm in Italy this week, and don't speak Italian. But I understood that the man in front of me was kindly saying that I should check out in front of him, because I only had 3 things and he had a cart full.

He was polite. He was respectful. And he noticed that I had fewer items. I told him it was ok, I was fine to wait. He was like "ok," and checked out normally. (fyi - there were zero creepy vibes)

Why didn't I take the offer? I like giving myself good things, but it's really hard for me to accept kindness from others. I don't like this about myself, and I think it's unhealthy.

I hesitate to receive kindness from both women and men, but more so from men.

How would I ever allow a HVM into my life if I push them all away.

Any advice? Does a switch just flip one day? Help.