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I didn’t say yes but I didn’t say no either. My little signs of body language weren’t enough. I acted along and looked like I enjoyed our moment. I went home and was confused, guilty and anxious. I feel physically sick for days after, with a weak appetite, a knot somewhere in my chest and a fast heart beat.
It went like this every single time that I have gotten close to a man. It’s not that I’m not a confident person without self esteem. I feel like it’s the harmony addict inside of me that knows no better than to prostitute herself for the common mood, ambiance, perceived expectations or whatever that is, I can’t even grasp it myself because the apparent threat is metaphysical and nonsensical. I once felt disgusted and uncomfortable dancing with a man whose hands wouldn’t know their proper position. When I let out my anger later that day to a close friend of mine who attended the same class, she remarked that the entire hour, I looked like I was having fun, smiling and joking with him. My whole life I’ve lacked boundaries. There just are none. I’m content when everyone else is. A clean atmosphere is my religion. Sometimes I wonder if I even know who I am and what I like and want and don’t want if nobody is around and on bad days this question can push me into an existential crisis.
I could write a book about the life of a whore to harmony, as I like to call my condition, but I wanted to keep this short. I don’t even know what I expect here, I wanted to let out my chagrin anonymously. Maybe there are some who understand exactly what I’m talking about. I have been wondering if there is a medicine for this ailment, an information, something that some women know which I simply have not been able to find yet.
I would’ve wanted to post this somewhere private, but I haven’t managed to get myself verified. The talks around this phenomenon are intimate and might be painful, very much so, and I apologise if it hits someone in a bad situation. Thank you for being a safe place for this kind of soul dumping.
To the bored males sitting on this forum reading this entry - kindly fuck off and ask yourself how many of your partners faked their orgasms.
I think most heterosexual women have been in this situation at least once. We're raised to be nurturing and to keep the peace, and men use this against us to get access to our bodies. I believe this is why fathers used to be very involved with who courted their daughters and vigilantly protected her from males. Chaperones used to be mandatory for a girl seeing a man. You weren't just thrown to the wolves with no protection. When males know there's no males in your family protecting you, they feel free to manipulate you into satisfying their sexual needs. Next time, try to break the spell. Don't become emotionally involved or care about his pleasure or wants. Center yourself and your needs. What do YOU want? What would make YOU happy? Go against anything that would make you unhappy. Stay in public places when you're with males. Do NOT be alone with any male that you're not very excited to have sex with, because men ONLY want to be alone with you to have sex. There is NO other reason.
My first sexual experience was exactly as you described in your first paragraph, and I have been afraid of getting close to men ever since. Whenever they start getting into that “animalistic” mode when even kissing, I freeze up in terror and revert to a childlike version of myself. I hate that about myself.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I think a lot of women can relate to this in some way, and I hope it might give you some peace to know you aren’t alone. I wish more women could talk about these things openly, but in most places you will get shut down instantly with with “Sounds like a you problem — get therapy.” We are made to feel like there’s something wrong with us and not the world we live in.
Sweet sister, I hear you. I am not exactly sure what you mean by "harmony addict," but the rest of your post rings very true.
It wasn't that long ago that I was in a similar situation, which objectively speaking was nothing less than assault, and I was sick and confused about it for a long time, but in the moment, I looked and sounded like I was enjoying it. I was pretending, just to get through it. And pretending helped me to deal with it for weeks, even months, after that. My poor brain was trying so hard to protect me by reframing this assault. On some level, I was thinking, "If I can make this into 'not assault, but just the unusual beginning of a relationship,' then I can deal with it." What I COULDN'T deal with was just the simple truth, that it was ... what it was. A terrible violation; a crime that will never be reported. Something he has probably done many times before.
I had a narrative in my head that did NOT include having been overcome, coerced, and assaulted. So my brain came up with ways to rewrite what happened.
Therapy, time, journaling, and reading the writings of wiser women -- all these helped me a lot. I had to get to the point where I could accept what happened to me, while at the same time, realizing that "acceptance" does NOT mean forbearance or forgiveness.
There is cognitive dissonance that has to be dealt with. I had to absorb the fact that, no matter how he acted in that moment or at any time afterwards, he did NOT care for me; he was simply using me. He obviously regarded me not as a person in my own right, but as someone he could manipulate with compliments and sexual desire (both of which I was very vulnerable to at the time, for reasons I won't go into here).
This did not mesh at all with the self-concept I was trying to rebuild, in which I was, and am, a valuable and desirable person, worthy of love and true, tender expressions of love. The dissonance was so strong that the only way I could cure it was to stay far away from this person forever.
So I did that. It was painful, but it worked.
You wrote very poetically. And sadly yes, you were violated by those scrotes. They would know exactly what non-consent means if a 6.5ft tall gay man did the same thing they did to you 😡
You write so much truth! I can relate... Men know you don't want to have sex, but they ignore your body language.
As long as you don't say "no," they easily tell themselves they are good, respectful even though you were uncomfortable, hesitant, etc.
I don't say "no" because then when he ignores my "no," it's harder to tell myself it wasn't rape. Then later I feel guilty. Do I have a right to say he wronged me??
I've felt the way you described. I was uncomfortable when he started getting physical, but he ignored my body language and indirect no (like saying you wouldn't like it bc I'm not shaved) and I ended up in the moment telling him I liked it. I push him off before he's done, but later on when I say he hurt me, he says it was a miscommunication...
It's also happened multiple times, when we've been kissing and petting, but I don't want penetration and without asking, he puts it in me. But I don't say "no." I might even act like it is what I wanted and express enjoyment. Even when I'm clearly not enjoying it (like when I became a limp doll or was ugly crying), the men denied wrongdoing. I didn't say "no" after all...
You have struck a nerve and have given me a lot to think about.
I am a strong believer in a agood sea salt scrub and a walk in nature to cleanse the aura.
You did what you did. The medicine is...you respect yourself enough to forgive yourself and move on, head held high.
If this is about you being sexually assaulted, can we really explain it away in this manner? It sounds like you're being very hard on yourself.
I'm sorry about what happened 😞 with that guy.
I wanted to say really quickly that I completely relate to the harmony addiction 🙏 and how that can make you lose your sense of self because you feel at peace 🕊️ where everyone else is and when they're content - so, what is making you content, right!?
I've never seen it discussed much any place, either. If I find any resources I'll be sure to post them here ❤️ I imagine it is to do with boundaries like you mention, potentially also people pleasing and losing a bit of touch with inner desires and instincts (in the name of creating a calm harmonious atmosphere for everyone else, putting own needs on the back burner).
Take good care of yourself, Sis. Like other 👑 Queens say, don't be hard on yourself right now. And second the salt 🛁 bath and nature walk recommendation to cleanse yourself emotionally 💞🙏
Thank you for your kind comment. 🤍
I'd be happy to have resources on this 'condition', you grasp it very well, the self-sustaining trinity of no boundaries, people pleasing and losing oneself. It's such a weird problem to have that's difficult to describe to someone who doesn't suffer from it and I'm so glad others get what I mean.
Maybe we could have a forum category?
Will do Sis ❤️