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I developed a crush. At first it wasn't much, though over the months we had some moments that I perceived as potential interest on his part, which contributed to that romantic projection. I am glad I found FDS and followed the advice of not acting on it, although I wish I was able to do the internal work of forgetting about it. I was doing well and went through some qualities that were not ideal and have had multiple friends tell me that I deserve better and shouldn't bother even entertaining the idea of him, including my male best friend who looked me in the eye and told me that I deserve to have higher standards. I think the crush developed due to proximity, that stupid little piece of my brain that still craves the validation, and also because he ticks off a few boxes that tbh, in the long run, aren't really that important especially if he's also ticking off some shitty boxes that are on the list of qualities I should be avoiding.
I am kind of just finally "coming to" and realizing that at the end of the day I don't even know if he likes me back in the same way. As well as the fact that even if he might enjoy my company, he might enjoy other womens more - a realization that has been extra triggering to this 'rejected' feeling I struggle with. I really never was the one who got chosen by boys, even though I would wish so badly I could be going on dates, sharing kisses and hugs, etc. like my peers. I keep having this nagging feeling of "Why not me? Again?" come back to me. I've been wondering what's wrong with me, and like I can't do anything right, and suddenly have had this feeling of being super concerned about what he and other men think of me coming back.
I know that relationships and men aren't going to fulfill me. I know male validation is cheap, disposible, fleeting, and transactional; I've been on the receiving end of that a few times in my adult life. I also know that since it was a crush, it's just the limerence and romantic projection that is what I'm truly frustrated about.
I think I just need to hear some real talk from someone, like a verbal slap in the face. My best friend suggested I go out on some OLD dates just to at least remember that there's always men out there (and not necessarily to go looking for my next serious relationship) but idk. I also know that therapy to work through some of these underlying issues would be helpful, but I suppose making that leap sounds scary to me.
Idk, either way, I mostly just needed to vent. Worse things have happened to me than a man not 'picking me', and I've dealt with real heartbreak before, so I know I'll get over it.