I sometimes envy my pick me friends

I used to be a pickme. And while i did have a more positive, romantic mindset, i found i was constantly getting my hopes dashed, and feeling embarrassed by how my boyfriends treated me. And wondering why they refused to do so little for me, when i did so much for them. I tried to distract myself and push my feelings down as “selfish”, but they were always there, in the back of my mind. Since FDS, I’ve developed a more negative mindset, but i also know how To avoid wasting my time with someone who will destroy my self esteem.

The higher your standards, the fewer people will meet them. For better or worse, that's just how it is. Once you have certain unalienable standards, it's unthinkable to lower them.

As for your pick-me friends, let them do them. You do you. Keep on keepin' on.

Don’t be jealous of pickmes. Their lives get ruined or worse by men bc they refuse to have boundaries or do simple vetting.

Same. But I quickly snap out of it, when I think about how the same boyfriends yell at them and treat them badly in so many ways.

I certainly don't envy them. My pick me friends are all in relationships but all they do is bitch about them - it seems like such a source of stress that eats into their schoolwork, professional development, health etc. One of my mega pick me friends (she has a really messed up home life so it sort of explains why she's this much of a pick me - I don't really think less of her for it, I just feel bad for her) was literally talking about how her bf's breath is so bad and BO is so bad that she has to shower way more than she ever used to and she's started getting tonsil stones for the first time in her life. Some guys are so LV they're literally health hazards. Count yourself lucky you're not dating them.

Also, the whole "colder and harsher" thing is part of the growing pains of becoming a radfem. You get used to it eventually and then your life improves radically. I've never been happier, freer, more self-confident and outgoing etc. than I am now, but I also used to be where you were when I first discovered FDS.

I've grown to resent the way women center men in their lives. I get it, heterosexuality and stuff, but neglecting community with other women is such a tragic mistake. And yet we keep making it. I do wish I was like them, but I also know that I could never be satisfied with an average scrote. I have to find a way to live with that. I'm not even sure I'm into men anymore to be honest. Respect is a big part of attaction for me and I lost respect for men as a class, because of how I see them treating women. And those I could respect are obviously taken.

i hear you. i don’t think feeling shame about your complexity is helpful though. i’m wondering: what do they have “going on” that you wish you had, besides romantic connections with men?

I don’t like envying other women. Envy next to jealousy is what keep sisters divided. I always feel a little sad when I hear there will be marriage but when it’s over I hear the other side of the story and not the perfect picture I had of them being happily married.

Men are garbage in general and incapable of love. I’ve watched a podcast a few ppl were making fun of because one chick got mad because the host said trans women aren’t women. And that dude on the Whatever podcast said men go for younger women, They have their youth, beauty, and fertility to offer without batting an eye.

See? There is nothing to be envious about having a man because they don’t love you. They love what they can take.

Almost all relationships outside of marriage ends within 2 years after the baby is born because Men leave all the time when they got what they want.

The more ignorant one is, the happier.

> My pick me friends who still put men on a pedestal, are almost always in a relationship and have more going on than me

On the surface your Pickme friends appear to have more going on than you. As someone like yourself with high standards, it is easy to have that perception on the outside when you can spot the standards of others set at the bottom of the barrel.

The guys who any of your friends are putting on a proverbial pedestal know that they can disrespect her and will still be given a free pass. That is a prime example of your friend(s) acting as a doormat, and reducing oneself to doormat status means that you lose every.single.time. It is not only where relationships are concerned, it comes full circle in other aspects.

Would you allow yourself to remain unpaid at work and not say anything to your boss or would you refuse to work until you have been adequately paid for your time? Would you let a hairstylist who you are loyal to begin to repeatedly cancel your appointments, or would you take your business elsewhere?

Your Pickme friends would allow mistreatment and disrespect of themselves and their time. You demand more because you know you are worth more.

I used to feel this way, but over time it's developed into a "cynically optimistic" mindset, I guess.

Like I know what I'm in control of. I know the baseline of what my life can be single. And then any decision involving men, I feel like I can look at the actual spectrum of realistic possibilities, determine what the worst case scenario is of involving myself with him (or involving further), and then decide if I want to do it. (Worse case meaning "probable worst case" or "how fucked over would I be if I needed to skedaddle", because obviously worst worst is always murder)

Which results in doing less things that make men more involved in my life, but when I do choose "yes" for something it feels so much more secure knowing I'm prepared and going in with eyes wide open than going in with hopes and dreams and potential.

Maybe they are secretly envious of your (outward) confidence in singlehood!

I wouldn't want the men I've ended up with for having low standards anymore. It's not worth it at all. It helps to remind myself that my standards are not even THAT high compared to some other FDSers because I am satisfied with a simple life. But this is something I willingly choose, and a man who can't even live up to that is just trash. This feels a lot better than putting up with stuff I wish was different. And I guarantee you that every pickme has these things, they're just deep in denial, but it does hurt them deep inside. You can hear it from the way they defend their partners. I used to be the same way and I don't want to feel like that ever again, where I'm embarrassed of the man I'm with but trying to sugar coat it. My goal is to live and authentic life and most men don't factor into that.

I see the same thing - but no, I wouldn’t trade clarity about men for being a pick me, I was one in my early 20s and the experience of catering to men was just exhausting in the end.

But are your pickme friends really happy or spending their time and youth cycling through emotional distress and heartbreak caused by men and finally settling for a mediocre or awful scrote? Finding FDS does have a way of making one feel jaded and cynical. The truth about how men really are is an incredibly bitter pill to swallow. It takes time to get over the anger and frustration and just the overall roller coaster of emotions that comes taking off the rose tinted glasses. I think it's normal to envy them in the beginning. But once you have mastered decentering men, I promise you'll feel happier knowing the truth. You won't envy most women who have unknowingly attached themselves to parasitic men.

I can relate, how I long to be open/idealistic enough to jump into relationships so quickly based on and sustained by so little.

I even wrote a poem about it 😅

I'm not actually envious of the relationships my pickme friends pull, I don't want the men they snag in any capacity. I am envious of people who's personalities suit serial monogamy

I would have similar thoughts to this, even as a Pickme. I would see women on Reddit talking about their boyfriends doing depraved things and saying "I love him so much." I felt like a huge b**** for losing feelings when men disrespected me, and would try to make situations "work" (when they never should have started).

You're ultimately at an advantage for knowing the truth. I wonder if it would help to think of all the things you can do / think / feel (that you could not if you were in your friend's situation)? For instance, not dating subpar men allows me to enjoy my interests without a man putting them down and ruining them for me.