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I was inspired to write this after getting a letter from myself, dated one year ago.
It feels like another example of "If he wanted to, he would".
My last ex had the facade of a charming boy-next-door with his own full-time job, apartment, and savings. He had an amazing European accent, and the only thing I didn't like was that he was six years older than me. (Haha, hindsight.) We met in a very rom-com way, meeting at a cafe and he offered to buy one of the pastries I was short on change for. Before my ex officially asked me out, he had already bought my dinner, twice. He was patient, soothing, and yet still very masculine. So I thought, huh, is this too good to be true?
Yes darling, otherwise this wouldn't be a post.
The thing about this guy was that we only dated for about three months last year. But we were together often, until we weren't. Then he stopped responding as quickly, or said he was a little preoccupied at the moment, and I found myself asking him when he was available. I was getting annoyed because he introduced me to his friends, but still seemed to be on the dl about dating me. The biggest part, too, was that he hadn't asked me to be his GF. Just mentioning the future "If we're going to be an item..." sort of way.
I tried to keep my hopes up, until one day he came out of ignoring me for the past three-ish days to ask if I wanted to stop by the cafe we first met at. I said sure, and we walked over. But something felt off, because he felt a little distant. Then when it came to order (I ordered first), I waited a beat. He didn't take out his card. I knew then and there this man had the audacity to break up with me here and not even pay for my drink.
And this is why I bring up "If he wanted to, he would".
The whole time we dated he had paid for my meals. I never asked him to. When he took me to the seating area and said "I'm not feeling the connection", he revealed himself fully. It didn't take him three months to reveal that the charming person he actually was, was a facade. When I asked him "Is it because I wasn't comfortable sleeping with you?" And he denied it, I knew that was a lie.
I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him until he made me his girlfriend. And let me tell you, this guy made ATTEMPTS. I'm so annoyed at myself to rationalizing his behavior instead of sticking up for my own boundaries. I'm further annoyed that I didn't break up with him first, or believing the facade.
Because the truth is I still like the false version of my last ex. Who wouldn't? And I'm so upset that it wasn't real, and I was used as a potential toy. He never gave me his true relationship expectations because he knew I would differ from them. And he's off living his life and completely ghosting me despite the "I like you and want to still be friends with you" shpeel. I'm an intelligent person and I still rationalized away my doubts because I wanted the good thing to actually be true.
I don't reach out to my ex, and I haven't since then. But I still think about living out my pettiest fantasies against him, or hoping he feels remorse, even though I know he doesn't. Perhaps that's why I'm impatient about finding a HVM. That living well would be my best revenge. Is anyone else hung up on an ex in this manner?
Stop beating yourself up!!! You kept your no sex till commitment boundary which is AMAZING! You should be so proud of yourself queen. We take lessons from our last relationship into the next. There is no perfect science. Putting yourself as number 1 is key. And there is no need to be impatient about finding your one. Think of it as “this could be the last time I’m single”. You live for you - level up, build your career, have an amazing time with your friends, travel and drink the wine! Enjoy yourself while it’s just you. ❤️
This is a great reminder that it is essential to actively fight your own romanticized narratives about exes. All of our exes have some qualities we love and are attracted to; that is why we started dating them in the first place. But they also have unacceptable red flags, have hurt us, lied to us, disappointed us, frightened us. So they became exes. It’s okay to recognize that your ex had some desirable qualities, but was still not good enough for you. It sounds like you are doing a great job at this difficult personal work! 👏 It is never done, we just keep trying and getting stronger and wiser and more at peace. We only date men who meet ALL of our standards, respect us as humans, cherish us, and put us at ease emotionally and sexually, at whatever pace we prefer. Because if we settle for a man who is below some of our standards, we will never reach full contentment and comfort. So we live happy solo lives and have faith that suitable HVM may recognize us and pursue us when the time is right.
Yeah. I just made a post about receiving an "I miss you email" from my ex. At least you held firm and didn't give him any benefits without commitment. I'm proud of you. You are a real queen. He was an a-hole who didn't deserve you! The best life might be without any man, though. HVM could become LVM in a second, as you found. Good luck.