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Basically what the title says. Dated for 8 months, things were going great. I ignored the red flags (he never matched my effort, never tried to impress me, never did thoughtful things for me) while I became a pick-me because ~our chemistry~ was just so good, and I thought his potential was worth it. Well he broke up with me and basically said he needs to be single to "focus on himself", and that he had doubts about our long term compatibility.
I've been crying for the past 3 days and I feel I need a wake up call. I feel I crave affection from men to feel "at peace", and the romantic in me just wants to find someone that appreciates all that I have to offer, and is excited to be with me.
I want to get out of this mindset and start feeling happy without having a man in my life. Any tips/advice? I've reached out to a clinic to start going to therapy as a start.
Oh girl I’m sorry you’re hurting. Here’s the good news: things are going to get a whole lot better from here. Feeling happy will be a stretch right now, but I will share some immediate things that are going to drag you out of the pit: - remove every reminder about this LVM. Freshen up your surroundings. Think of the ugliest thing he did and shine a light on it. Change the thought process. He is NOT your friend. And it goes without saying but block and delete - all those red flags? Write them down. Pin them in the mirror. In weaker moments or instances of doubt, refer to that list and remind yourself why he was a bad bet -give some serious thought to what Christina in December 2023 is going to be like. What will she be doing/saying/feeling? What will make HER excited to be with her, regardless of whether a man is in her orbit -in the midst of my last heartache someone close to me told me that I needed a goal to work towards. In my case that was runningThe process of training and then doing the event was so cathartic. It’s quite hard to cry and run at the same time 😉 do you have a thing that you could channel your sad into? Maybe something small. Oh and cry. Feel it all. Read the handbook. Things will be brighter and better, just you wait
I'm very similar to you - for years I was pretty despondent at the thought that I would never find someone that would reciprocate my energy and return that deep love I felt like I had in me.
Do you tend to daydream about the men you date? I found that was my #1 issue (before finding FDS). Because I was projecting all these situations and things onto LVM, I was becoming way more attached to the IDEA of them and just... placing them into my fantasies, ignoring their lukewarm reality. When we inevitably broke up, I was more devastated by the rejection than the actual guy, because he didn't actually do anything noteworthy. He was just there being a typical boring scrote, going 50/50, pressuring me for sex etc etc. My brain was making up this ~deep and profound connection~.
The real key is to learn where and how to redirect that romantic longing.
Show that love to people around you that deserve it more, like your family, friends, pets, community etc. Outlets like creative writing or poetry can be cathartic. Journaling your emotions as they happen lets you look back on them more objectively (especially when dating).
I highly recommend seeking out happily single women to form friendships with, especially if they're older. Seeing other women living their lives unapologetically independent helps you envision yourself doing the same.
Imho therapy will be very beneficial to you, so that's a good first step. The best thing you can do is just distance yourself from dating for a little while, while you work through this💖
It’s really hard. My ex-boyfriend was the only man I’ve ever fallen asleep on the chest of because he made me feel so safe. I want to try and find that again but I’ve put myself on a six-month dating ban (as a minimum, I’ll review once six months have passed) because craving affection from men puts us in such a vulnerable position. I’m newly heartbroken and am putting my romantic energy into other relationships. I’m making up Christmas parcels that take more effort than usual including baking everyone’s favourite festive treats. For the last couple of Christmas’s I’ve been holding my ex-boyfriend’s hand in Christmas markets so I have some gaps in my diary that need filling. In addition to the gifts I’m giving, I’m starting a small side business to keep me busy. Looking to the new year I’m making plans with people who are excited to be with me.
Men have "chemistry" with other men, glory holes, tail pipes of cars, sheep, goats, horses, cows, apple pies, and whatever else they can stick their dicks into. So it's really nothing to base a relationship on. If he didn't pursue you and make sure you knew he was interested, the relationship was all you making it happen, and unfortunately, that just never works out well for the woman. The man HAS to like you more. He HAS to feel like HE'S the lucky one. He's gotta feel like he can't let you get away. That is the only way that a relationship has a snowball's chance in hell of working out. You've gotta be on the pedestal and stay there. If you get down off the pedestal, the man is gonna pick up the pedestal and beat you with it. Hang in there, and next time, let the man do the work.
Focus on the positive: you got the sense to end it. The future is bright and your time is no longer being wasted by him.
The day you stop giving a fk is the day you will attract the right man. You really have to be so cool with who and where you are in life that you’re good with or without a man. Then get clear on the type of man you want (write it down). Then let it go and live your life.
So sorry, my love. Yes, therapy is the absolute best place to start the healing process. Take a break from dating, and take this time as a single woman to build your life up to the point where having a man is only just a little cherry on top of your fabulous chocolate banana split sundae that is your life. Work on leveling up so much that you end up falling in love with yourself, because YOU are an absolute work of art deserving of all the love you have inside your heart that you never should have given to this scrote.
The handbook is a great start also to read about FDS principles. There is a recommended reading list for all FDS-approved books on dating and relationships that can really drive the point home regarding believing that you deserve nothing but the absolute best, no questions about it.
Be grateful it was only 8 months. I stayed with my NVM for 6 years because of our "chemistry". While he slowly dismantled my self worth. I wish I ha walked away at 8 months when I saw the first red flags.