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I know I've been posting here a lot lately. I am finding comfort coming here. I am debating between In person therapy or online therapy (betterhelp and there's others)
Okay. I know this sounds crazy and ridiculous and it's not Kali Uchis's fault. My last serious relationship boyfriend, on Instagram, followed and liked Kali Uchi's pictures on Instagram. He masked it as "I listen to her music" and "I did not know what the value of a like is" . Now, not all her pictures are.... "thirst traps/softcore porn" (in my opinion) but.................. there's a lot that are. I told him, "you liked the picture of her naked in the bathtub and naked covered in flowers and you liked the one with her thong showing and bikini pics of her and so on"
But, he said "no, I just like her music. And I do not find her attractive, I find you attractive"
Ladies, listen.... my first boyfriend cheated on me with a girl who looked very very similar to Kali uchis. This is triggering.
Now, with this ex that I'm talking about now...he loved her music, went to her concerts (inappropriate dancing), liked her male gaze posts........she sings in Spanish as well and this boyfriend spoke Spanish and I felt so freaking ugly, unsuccessful, I'm not even the race/ethnicity/nationality that he wants,.....
And I'm currently training to be a singer making my own music, andddddd she is a successful singer..... so I compare that shit too. The other girl that the first ex cheated on me with was successful artist too.
Please please please don't be ruthless with me here. Like yeah, I know I made a mistake with him. Yes, decenter my life around men, yes I am trying to. But .... I want to try out her music and not blame her for anything, but my heart POUNDS and I get so sick looking at her pics because I know my ex most likely still wanted to fuck her if he was given the opportunity to.
It's not her fault at all. I'm blaming my ex for his actions but like I said, I've only had two boyfriends and BOTH really enjoyed women who looked similar. So it's like.....Idk how I can seperate these experiences from a random singer.... and actually, part of me DOES blame her. Like I'm tired of the sex appeal and male gaze that these artists do instead of making the music, they need to post thirst traps. They need to add male gaze to it all. Celebrating their nudity. Maybe I'm being mysognist now? And I'm sorry if I am, tell me so I can work on that in therapy as well. But yeah. Part of me is like: I'm sick of these women posting soft porn on social media.
sigh.....
My plan was to get OFF Instagram and avoid it as the explore page will show (some) popculture and it's just not healthy for me to be on social media currently. I need to be around women. in person women at places that will benefit my soul and mind and women here at FDS.
I'm also getting off Reddit for a period of time. I just need to breathe, protect my heart, surround myself with the peace of women, and do mirror-work and shadow work. as well as the therapy plan.
I know what I need to do. This is the beginning.
Thanks for reading this is soooo long but it's a vent. Thank you have a great week.
I am glad this space is comforting for you. I think you definitely need to remove social media as much as possible. It does a number on ALL women. Instagram really has become an extension of the sex industry. It is hypersexualized and a lot of men use it to flirt and have easy access to women. I am sorry for what these men did to you and how they treated you. Just do all you can to remove these toxic sites and focus on building yourself up and healing.
I know what you mean and I relate to this on a personal level. My ex triangulated me with Lana del Rey (and a few other female artists). These days I laugh about it, because it’s so ridiculous, but at the time it was quite distressing for me. He would go on and on about how beautiful and talented Lana is. And it really got to me, I would get quite upset every time I saw or heard anything related to her. After we broke up, I rediscovered her music and artistry and grew to like some of it. I’ve been on a journey of centering and appreciating female artists and what they have to say, and, by doing so, I think I’ve disentangled myself from the toxic triangulations of my LVX. Bottom line, scrotes really do feed off of triangulation.
Instagram is toxic AF and everything on it is fake, filtered etc.
Take a nice long break and focus on you. Your ex does not deserve you. Read the handbook, listen to the podcasts eps and you've got this 👑
I totally get that feeling.
Yeah definitely get off social media.
You might feel the urge to criticize artists for doing that stuff but it's honestly just their version of advertising because they're betting money losers will come flocking if they do certain things.
I highly doubt a successful singer would ever go for your lvx or touch him with a ten foot pole.
You're not being misogynistic at all, he deliberately created a situation where you'd be jealous of another person's career and aim your anger at another woman instead of him. It was all a plot to lower your self esteem and make you angry / too ashamed to exist or try hard at anything. Like why'd he choose to sexualize a singer specifically? If you were training to be a personal trainer he'd be on gym girls profiles just to do the same thing.
You can definitely heal from this, it'll take time but i promise you things will get better.
Most men (who) obsess over women they don’t (and will never) know in real life because they can literally do no wrong. It’s an impossible standard to live up too.
Thank you ladies for these wonderful comments. Seriously this was so heartwarming reading each comment!!!
He would like a bunch of sexualized pics of Cardi B as well....("she is from my city and I like her music" was his excuse) . He always had excuses for everything. Like okay, she is from your city but youre liking pics that have her ass out....
he may as well say, "yes i like her music AND i want to fuck her" he just omits truth /the rest of the story i think...
I second what the other queens here said. Also, don't feel like you have to force yourself to like her music. In your own time, you may find you can approach it without distress, but don't feel like you have to rush yourself, or force yourself to not be triggered. I am coming at it from a slightly different angle because one of my exes really liked this one female performer, and I never paid that much attention to her, but since being single and working on my own artistry, I circled back around and discovered (by accident) that this performer is not respected by other musicians simply on the basis of her music. She distracts listeners by a lot of flash and sexiness, but if you listen to her without all that, there's just ... not a lot there. So that gave me a bit of a laugh, that my ex was so into this musician, because it just pointed up his shallowness. He was always mistaking gilt for gold, in art, music, literature, and everything else.
Take a break from other musicians as well as from social media -- and just work on your own music for a while. Practice, practice, practice -- it is a joy to feel your own voice coming out of your own throat with no fear -- don't even worry about recording for a while, just sing for the joy of it. And maybe also work on an instrument if you're not already. Sending love and fellow-musician-vibes. :)
There's ALOT of male gazey people in the entertainment industry as sex sells. Dear your ex was nothing more than a victim and customer to that. Nobody truly cares about ugly simps only their money.
You might not see it now but you actually came out on top from this because his broke ass is no longer your responsibility and he can just stare at male gaze pics instead of having a real relationship. When men go back to singledom they're almost shocked that their sex life is only 🌽 Vids that make them depressed and dangerous basement dwellers. Dodged a bullet ✔️
NOOOOO. DONT DO BETTERHELP THERAPY!!!! THEY STEAL YOUR DATA AND SELL IT TO FACEBOOK EITHOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT!!!! THERE WAS A LADY WHO SAID SHE ATTEMPTED SUOCIDE, LATER SHE GOT ADS FOR ROPES!!!