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I love you beautiful, strong women so much. You saved me from a life of misery and toxicity and idk how I can ever repay that. I've been groomed to be a pick me down to my very bones my whole life, and I feel like I've woken up and really looked around for the first time.
Two and a half years ago, I found FDS on Reddit. At the time I was dating an alcoholic gambling addict who treated me like shit. It would take me a million years to detail all the disrespect I put up with, but here's some of the worst of it:
He would frequently piss the bed when drunk and refuse to admit he'd done it, gaslighting me even though I was clean and his pants were covered in piss. He would do it on my side of the bed and then roll over onto his side so he didn't have to lay in it. Sometimes he'd wake up and be still so drunk that he didn't know where he was, and he'd walk over to my bookshelf or closet and piss all over one of those. I had a constant supply of pet cleaning products and spare sheets. He refused to ever help me clean up and would be furious when I dared to ask. He also shit on my bedroom floor once and claimed it was me or the dog even though I was sober and the dog was outside. Guess who cleaned that up?
He would literally simply refuse to talk to me about anything. I tried yelling, I tried being gentle, nothing worked. When I tried to speak about one of our many issues he would stare straight ahead with no expression and refuse to say ANYTHING until I stopped. So eventually I just stopped trying.
On a rare day he didn't drink, he would wake up in the middle of the night and go get fucked up in the garden by himself or drive somewhere to do so without telling me, refusing to answer his phone if I called. If we had plans the next day he would be too hungover to do anything
He had about five payday loans going at once and spent $1000 on cocaine every week. The rest, he gambled and when he ran out of money, I paid.
He intentionally spiked me with meth once
He cheated on me constantly, any way he could. It was sad and embarrassing for him, I was much more attractive and significantly younger than him yet he had all these dating apps trying to hit up women who he couldn't even get with because they saw what I didn't.
He refused to say I love you or anything nice to me at all - unless he was so drunk he didn't remember.
God there's so much more. I was Down Bad. I have never had such low self esteem or connection to myself in my life. He destroyed me, my whole life was reduced to standing before this toxic, disgusting, useless man and begging him to love me. It was awful.
I found FDS. And suddenly, I got ANGRY. Angry in a way I'd never let myself be before. Normally my anger was turned inwards and resulted in further gaslighting myself and thinking I was the problem, but this time I realised I was angry at him. I started looking at him with disgust, not pity when he came home and was vomiting his uber eats up at 4am before work, naked in the bathroom. I couldn't stop, my worldview had shifted. It was so hard to admit to myself that I deserved better, after so long of putting up with this ugly, gross leech. But I did.
I left him. And for a while, I bounced between being furious for what he put me through and feeling like a failure because if this gormless fucking loser didn't love me, who could?
Me. I could love me.
So I put all the energy I put into caring for him into myself, and now I just feel real and alive in a way I never thought possible. I wake up in the morning, in a clean, beautiful room and meditate, do yoga, go for a run. I work hard at my job and have progressed further than I ever expected. My friendships with women are flourishing, and best of all I'm HAPPY, for the first time ever, truly happy.
I don't know if I'll ever date again. I refuse to do anything that could risk my freedom, my independence, my peace. I don't care what men think of me anymore. I spend my time caring for and loving myself, and there's no more noble pursuit in life than that.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for what you taught me. I will never forget that you were all there for me in the lowest period of my life. I love you all.
A former pick me
I am so proud of you for picking you. The best is only ahead ❤️
Yessssss! The anger saw you through to the other side.
You've looked around and decided piss pants isn't it for you. Congrats!! You can do so much better. It sounds like you've got an amazing life you've created for yourself—don't let it go
You know the phrase from the Talmund, "whosoever saves one life, saves the world entire"? I kinda feel that way about FDS. Though we can't reach all 4 billion women in the world, it makes a huge difference even to help one woman leave a bad relationship. And we've at least helped dozens, if not hundreds. I like to believe this will have a positive ripple effect in women's lives and society in general by starting to hold men accountable and to higher standards. One day ladies, one day....
So proud of you! It’s so hard to get to where you are now from where you were. It’s essentially cult deprogramming or un-brainwashing yourself. Give yourself tons of credit and lots of love.
I know it felt good to share this and tell people, but as someone who has been in your shoes, it’s time to forget and not share this L with others going forward. Especially do not tell any men what you went through. Write what happened in a journal or word doc so you have a record if you need to be reminded of how bad it really was, but don’t revisit it unless you find yourself slipping into old pickme ways.
This was really bad. You were abused. You’re going to have ptsd over this for longer than you think and there is no cure for ptsd —but one of the most effective treatments is forgetting.
To quote SZA: “I don't regret, just pretend shit never happened”
If you’re not ready to forget yet and think you need more deprogramming—I would recommend the free counselling offered through women’s DV shelters as most therapists don’t specialize in what happened to you. You don’t have to be a patron of the shelter —just have experienced abuse. Some do phone appointments. They teach about the cycle of abuse, identifying abusers, identifying healthy relationships, and how to care for yourself after abuse. They have extreme privacy policies so your story is safest with them.
Wishing you the best future.
Well done for leaving this mess behind. I
I must say, I was really shocked when I read he spiked you with meth.
It takes a lot of strength to get up and leave. Your life will be so much better now.
This is so beautiful. It's only up from here for you. I am so happy you are loving yourself and living your best life.
Welcome home, sister. I am so sorry for you going through all those traumatic situations. But it has brought you to a more empowering place now, where you can now accept nothing but the absolute best treatment from here on out.
This is wonderful. I'm so happy for you! Your future sounds bright and full of hope. That peace of mind is everything and you deserve it.
This is so beautiful! 💖 Lovely to hear about your happiness. And hope-inspiring, for someone at the start of this journey. 😊
Beautiful ending ❤️ Well done for seeing the light x
I'm so proud of you! It takes a lot of courage to do the inner work required to be truly free in life, but you've done it. You went from pick-me to queen, in a tale that's nothing short of inspirational!
This is only the beginning love!! I’m so glad you chose YOU!!! ♥️
YES, congrats!!! For me fds was the understanding that not only he was an abusive alcoholic, but that even if he was sober and kind (as I hopelessly wanted him to be) - he was still an annoying manchild who expected me to do all the house chores in exchange for having a mediocre male around my arm. No thank you. Thanks for the great reminder!!!