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So this is a little embarrassing, especially since I have been following fds for so long, I feel like I should have leveled up by now. I always had trouble making friends when I was younger, in high school it started getting better, until a very toxic friend perused me as her friend. ...long story short I ended up with some trauma, and decided to take a break on making friends for a while. It took me a little longer to take a break from men as well, but I got there.
I am not where I want to be career wise and I don't interact with people on a daily basis from work, I don't know where to meet people or how to talk to them. I get a lot of anxiety if I attempt to go to any social events knowing where there might be men there or the parking situation could be sketchy. I have recently gotten a therapist but I don't feel like I am able to open up to her about what I'm actually going through either. I have this assumption that she is always on the verge of dropping me as a client, I genuinely have no idea how valid that assumption is, but I have the same feeling when I am trying to make friends and it seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am working on the anxiety. However, I figure it doesn't hurt to ask if anyone else can give me any advice on my situation? Is there anything more I can do?
I don’t think it’s embarrassing at all! It’s really hard to make friends as an adult.
I would recommend going to Meetup events, preferably women only groups. That really worked for me!
I think what’s also helped me is being intentional with the friends I already did have, and making it a point to reach out to them every week or so to hang out.
This sounds very analytical but I actually would keep track of this in the notes on my phone - who I asked to hang out, did they respond yes, did they return my invite eventually, etc. and this process also helped me to weed out the friendships where it was very one sided and see that I can invest my time elsewhere. For example, if I literally asked someone to hang out 3-5 times and they never reciprocate? That’s a dud and I would rather spend the time making a new friend or investing more into another friendship.
You should keep us updated on here how this goes for you!
It’s no big deal that you don’t regularly talk to your work colleagues, it’s usually better to make friends outside of work anyway.
Perhaps join female-dominant events in your area- like a book club at your local library, social sport, a zumba class or an art class. Practice asking interesting questions (not just small talk) and try listening to women’s life stories without expecting friendship afterwards. If conversing is too hard, sometimes getting yourself out there is all you need and the right kind of women in the right kind of environment will eventually approach you.
My mother is the pick me supreme, and she instilled in me that women are not nearly as fun and interesting as men. It seriously harmed my ability to befriend other women as a child and a teen because I was too busy trying to interact with men, who wanted nothing to do with me since I was ugly, and I ignored other women. I never developed my social skills.
I did end up making friends online, and those friendships often became irl friendships. As I got older, however, I just don't find people my own age very often. It's very easy to find 20 year olds to hang out with, but I really have no idea where people in their 30s go.
Hard to make friends after a certain life milestone is achieved usually. In my case that was after finishing my education. Not a single one of all the girl children I grew up with had the same journey as me. It was pretty evident that I don’t need a circle around me and someone in the early FDS did point this out. I’d like to reiterate what she’d advised.
Friends from work shouldn’t be your personal friends. Find a hobby because that’s how we’d make friends as kids. Network in your field of work to find external connections who you can have great conversations and find common grounds with. I’d say book clubs are the best to find HV friends. I started golf and yoga restricted to a certain section of women, it gave me really amazing friends. I found a Harry Potter club as well and once I got rid of all the trans fetishists on both sides of the debate, I even found men who I could relate with lol.
If you are 25-30, one piece of advice ask what is someone’s internet exposure starting point, if the answer is tumblr or 4chan, stay away!
If you cannot open up to your therapist she cannot help you; it's a process where you get out as much as you put in. I am not going to push you into talking to this one; if the two of you didn't click that's okay, simply go and find another one. One who makes you feel safe, not insecure. It's not an indictment on her skill, but sometimes the chemistry doesn't work, just like any interaction between two people.
I also struggled to open up following extremely toxic female friendships, books about trauma have helped me a ton! Books have helped me more than therapy. I’d recommend searching books about female bullying, etc. and female self esteem - reading ones that resonate with you and doing some of this internal healing before seeking companions. I think until you heal internally you will repeat these toxic patterns unintentionally and unknowingly, which was my experience.
My favourite books
- The Myth of Normal
- It didn’t start with you (family trauma)
I talk to ppl who respect me. Ppl who like me gets ignored. I know that most ppl like to meddle with your business when you are not a baby mama with a man in your life. I have Scrotes, baby mama’s always ask what I do with my time. I know that those ppl are not my friends.
Friends want to have you because you seem like a good person, not a pool to fish information from.