Doing the right thing, even when it hurts

Hi loves, I'm writing this post instead of reaching out to a man who I love very much, but who I need to let go of. I'm in my early 20's and have survived years of emotional abuse in a controlling household to graduate university early. I will be starting a job in viral research soon, where I will be contributing to public health every single day that I go to work. I held multiple leadership positions as an undergraduate and am hoping to leverage my gap year to get into medical school, after which I intend to go into women's health. Free reproductive healthcare, including abortion, and robust female-led sex education programs are what I want to see before I turn 30. I am tired of women and young girls being afraid that they're going to get pregnant because they kissed a man or a boy touched their knee. Men are trying to keep us stupid so they can continue our suffering, and I am greatly saddened by the number of women who keep falling for it just to get a drop of validation. It shouldn't take years or even decades to get out of the pick-me pipeline, but the system is currently working as intended.

Anyway, the man I mentioned is an alcoholic and has been drinking since his early teens. When we started university, we were in a long-distance relationship that survived because I put in so much effort trying to keep him away from the bottle. This continued for a while until finally he confessed one day that he'd been drinking for a month and lying to me about it. I stopped talking to him for a year and then reached out this past December in a moment of weakness. Thankfully he was sober, but I kid you not, it lasted less than a month before he ended up relapsing and threatening suicide, which I did not respond to. We agreed beforehand when he was still sober that I wouldn't talk to him for another two years if he relapsed. He also promised to get into rehab, which I sincerely doubt has happened and frankly should not waste my energy thinking about.

The point I want to make here is for all of my sisters who have survived horrible households just to get into relationships with men who ended up repeating the cycle. I myself had an absent father and am still grappling with feeling as though there is a gaping hole in my life which only a man can fill. If you let yourself be used, you will be used. If you go back to someone who used you, you will be used again.

Love does not care whether you are useful. Neither does the gym, or literature, or crochet/knitting/embroidery/any hobby, or a pet. Whatever you do, keep the love for yourself. Keep everything you enjoy separate from men because there is always the risk that they will ruin it, either by outright taking it away from you or by haunting you with their memory. I can no longer read the genres that I love most or write creatively without being reminded of my ex-partner, who was the only man that could keep up with my intellect and who I tried to share these pursuits with. The only thing worse than mourning a future with someone who is still alive is mourning who you could have been if you had kept strong through the pain.

Learn a language, learn what you like and dislike, learn about the world and how it works. I love you, and I'm with you when you look in the mirror. Remember that we are the fruit of the love, labor, blood, sweat, and tears of countless generations of women. For all of the rage that you and I feel for our continued exploitation, there is an equal amount of beauty to be found in who we are and what we can create, despite the circumstances.

Take care and be well <3