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It's like deja vu all over again.
Their father has had supervised visitation for over 6 years. Our court order specifies that all he has to do to have his normal visitation reinstated is to provide a clean drug test. He can't do it.
Recently, one of my sons decided that he'd had enough. I got a call from his school counselor that he had to leave class because he was crying and couldn't focus on his work. He said that he was tired of going to supervised visits and was ready to cut his father out of his life once and for all if he doesn't get sober. The counselor helped him draft a letter to his father, which he sent.
Ex's response? Nothing.
My son waited with bated breath for weeks, then finally texted "Did you receive my letter?"
"Yes".
"Well?"
"I'm sober. I keep telling you that. I don't know why you don't believe me."
"Dad, I said in my letter that either you provide me with the results of a clean hair follicle drug test from a professional facility, or you go to inpatient rehab, or I don't want you in my life anymore."
"I'll get a drug test. I just need to wait until I have money. I'll do it in two weeks."
Months go by.
My son texts: "Did you get the test?"
"Yeah, but the facility says there's not enough hair. I have to go again in a couple months."
I'm not supposed to talk about the court case with my kids, but I'd absolutely had it. I told my son that this is exactly what he's been doing for years. He's failed over 10 drug tests and also come up with multiple reasons of why he couldn't take them (popped tire, out of town, hurt wrist which he provided x-rays of as proof- and I'm sure he caused that injury intentionally just to get out of testing).
This is gaslighting. It's emotional abuse. It is causing serious harm to my children.
And you know the kicker? I've been told the only way I can terminate his rights is through a step-parent adoption. Because the state of California will not make "legal orphans"- which my lawyer clarified is really all about welfare. They're afraid single parents will go on welfare, so they keep the other parent in the picture in order to save the state money. If this was a foster child case he would have lost his rights long ago.
Imagine that. As a single woman, I'd have no problem adopting someone else's child if they'd come from a drug-using household. But I can't just "adopt" my own children to get them away from their addict, psychotic father. I'd have to marry a scrote for that. Or marry a woman, which, unfortunately, is just as unappealing to me.
Queens, I cannot stress to you enough: co-parenting is slavery. It's bad enough when the man is stable, but it's a special kind of hell when he's not.
I was in a similar position to your son. My father wasn’t an addict, but a raging narcissistic alcohol abuser. Though you can’t legally terminate his parental rights, do you think he’d care if visitation with your son just stopped? I refused to go on visits anymore at 11 years old and my mother told my father,and after he lashed out in a letter, he didn’t push the matter any further through the courts. I haven’t seen him since, and the relief that came with that was enormous. Sad to say, but it may just be that he won’t push the issue if you keep your son away from him.
The best way to combat gaslighting is through education. You may not be able to talk about your own court case, but you can use books and information online to teach them about those types of men and the history of feminism.
This sounds like a crazy idea but... maybe you can marry another lady here just to get away from him? I mean y'all don't have to do anything romantic or like what you do with a man...