Thoughts On Having Children On Your Own

I think this is something more and more women are having to think about these days.

You make great points for why pregnancy is a big risk, both physical and relationship wise.

How deeply have you thought about the reasons and desire behind wanting children? Is it purely out of having a lot of "motherly love to give"? In what ways do you feel that having children will benefit you and your life?

It is great that you have the financial security, that's extremely important, but do you also feel confident in your mental and emotional stability, especially as a solo parent?

This is in no way to say that you're not prepared or able, it's only to give some more aspects to consider.

What about the possibility of a sick child, a disabled child, a child with serious mental or behavioral concerns? Do you have any genetic issues in your family that could be passed on? I know people often don't think it'll happen to them, but it does happen more often than we believe.

What about the kind-of lifestyle you're currently living? How much will it change with a child, and are those changes acceptable to you and your needs?

I eventually made the choice to be child free after considering these things, but your circumstances might be quite different, and you might find that you do still want children after all.

It's probably the most individual and significant choice a woman has to make. Best of luck, and I hope whatever you go with is what's best for you ❤️

I'm against the idea of sperm donation.

Some narcissistic doctors will use their own sperm in the place of donated sperm. Women will think they're getting sperm from std tested men with good genes only to get sperm from pornsick narcissistic scroutes.

I'd rather just adopt or foster if I'm gonna end up a single mother anyway..

I’m in the same boat. I’ve always wanted to be a mother but through many bad experiences I went from practically worshipping men to avoiding them. I know there are HVM out there, but I don’t know how much longer I can handle all the LVM I encounter through the vetting process.

I struggle with the concept of children needing a father as well, which is why I’ve decided that if I have children I will foster (a girl) or adopt. I figure a single mom is much better than the system in that case. I know those choices aren’t for everyone and there are extra risks involved, but I feel they sort of alleviate the issue I have with the child having no father. Plus I have medical issues I wouldn't want to pass on.

I wish you the best on your journey to motherhood, whichever path you choose! ♥️

good for you for doing so much reflection! if only half of the deadbeat fathers self-reflected like this ("but WHY? WHY do i want to stick my dick in anything that moves???)...

but anyway,

i like the idea of getting to the root of WHY you want to be a mother...and i also encourage you to look at your desires like we look at standards here at FS: they are your desires, and you don't have to explain to anyone why you have them, as long as you are aware (as much as you can be) about what raising children will require of you physically, mentally, emotionally, psychically, spiritually, and econimically.

have you thought about writing out in as much detail as you can what a day would be like pregnant and then with children at different stages?

another point: i HAVE a father, and i'm more annoyed at what a tyrant he was...your children might end up resilient in ways they never could have with a father who was mediocre or terrible. there are a lot of unknowns.

If it's just about having motherly love to give, seems to me there are lots of ways to put that to good use (volunteering, mentoring, etc), that would be very rewarding for both you and the world around you - without locking you into something that will be the rest of your life.

I have a friend who sometimes would mention maybe having a child on her own. I'm willing to do a lot for her, so I hope she's not under the impression that I'll help her parent in any way, shape or form, because honestly? I will be no help at all. There is a limit to how much I will do, and that is where the limit is. The lesson in this: if you have family and friends who seem like they would be helpful in this endeavor? Don't just assume they'll be there.

Do you have a plan if you die giving birth? Or die in an accident while the child is still young? This type of planning becomes doubly important when there isn't a backup parent available.

It's practically a certainty the kid will have questions about the father. What are you going to say? Yeah, resentment is a real possibility. When the kid is in the rebellious phase, you're likely to hear some hurtful things, shitting on you and idealizing the father because he can be whatever the kid imagines. So you would have that to look forward to.

A LVM will diminish the quality of both yours and the child's life. It's ok to experience motherhood without a man if you haven't found one as a LVM will be an extra child for you to care for. Better to be single rather than a "married" single mother of a child and a grown man. I have an acquaintance who got a donor. She's financially stable and well travelled. She has incredibly high standards and wanted to experience motherhood but didn't want to settle. Her and the child are happy. So many women don't understand that their children would probably be happier if they divorce their husbands. If the single parent is happy and has time to tend to their child then it is likely the child will also be happy.

Personally through my 20s I felt neutral about having kids - maybe it would happen in the future, but I wasn’t set on being a mother.

Now I’m around 30, and it’s only in meeting a HVM and envisioning a life and family with him that has made me more excited and seriously considering children. It takes an enormous amount of resources to raise a child, and I just find it too overwhelming to pursue by myself. I want to be supported during pregnancy and child-raising, and I believe he has the energy and love to be there for me.

I respect women who know it’s their calling to become a mother, and want to pursue having kids without a man. Realistically, I think you need a hefty amount of money and/or family support for it to be feasible, along with tons of energy and drive, and ideally a flexible career.

I think it ultimately comes down to life priorities and values. Do you value being a mother over time to rest, travel, be spontaneous, be super career-driven, have solo peace, save tons of money, etc? If you do that soul-searching and discover that you feel that motherhood is your highest life path and you’re willing to prioritize it over other options, then you will make it work and raise happy, decently-adjusted children. Just be sure that it’s what you want the most, because it will require major sacrifices.

In case you are not already aware, there are SMBC groups on /r and f book amongst other places, if you want to connect with others considering/on this path. It is one I am considering too, though it is certainly something to grapple with.. for me, anyway.

It's a good solution to those who want to be mothers but don't want to bother themselves with men.

Just my 2 cents here. Every experience, every baby, every mother is different. But for me having a baby was the greatest thing I have done with my life. This baby has given me more joy, happiness and love than any man ever could in a million years. I'm very lucky, I have a partner who is hugely invested and helpful. BUT i think doing it solo is very possible and much more preferable than doing it with a lvm.

Personally I think a sperm donor is a great way to go. If you decide to go for it, use a highly rated clinic and go with your gut. You sound very smart and capable.

If I was doing this alone I would want the following post partum: a doula for the first 2 weeks of life. A cleaner for the first 3 months (at least) of life. A meal delivery service for the first 3 months. Friends and family lined up to come by to help with chores. Not to see the baby! But to clean the bathroom, kitchen, buy groceries, change sheets. Your village has to be active.

As for figuring out WHY you want children. I mean, do you have to? For me, it wasn't a logical decision. I made it with my instinct and boy oh boy that instinct gave me the greatest gift of my life. I don't believe in belittling women who say 'I want this thing' and then those around you say 'do you really though?' Um. Yes. You're allowed to want this. You're also allowed to decide it's not for you. You're allowed to adopt, foster or volunteer. You're allowed anything you want with this magical short time you have on earth.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done and it's the thing that has set the course of my life to my truest north. If your instinct is calling you, call back to her. She is fierce, unafraid and she knows the way.

Single mother compounds! It's a thing and lots of women lesbian and straight are teaming up to help each other! ☺️

🌻https://www.coabode.org/

🌻https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/05/03/im-a-single-mom-i-dont-want-a-partner-i-want-a-close-friend/

🌻https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/12/realestate/single-mother-households-co-living.html

🌻https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20190827-the-single-mums-who-live-together-on-mommunes

I wont comment on artificial insemination (versus adoption), but as far as having kids on your own:

Realistically, I think it's a good option to consider. There are just too few men out there who are willing and WORTHY partners, fathers, and co-parents. It's not possible for every hopeful future mother to find a worthy man. The math just doesnt work out.

If you dont find one of those few worthy men, you'll need go it alone (or settle for a scrote! jk jk!) Men are failures, but that doesnt mean *you* should be punished and forced to give up on your dream of being a mother.

Maybe it's not ideal for a kid to grow up in a single-parent home, but no home is ideal. All parents just need to try their best.