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Hey guys, so I was wanting tips/ advice as I go back into mommy and me groups, mom friends, etc. I have a tendency to give very similar advice/ opinions about the men in their lives 🙃.
Do y'all have any resources for women especially in the United States since many of these women stay at home or are limited in many capacities bc of childcare/ unfit partners. As much as I love clowning on men, these are the women that feel hopeless and abandoned bc these men threaten them with custody (laughable since they "babysit" their kids), kidnapping, poverty, threats of violence or violence, and emotional abuse.
I love to validate them and spread resources so please let me know anything you hear or know of that I can look into bc when a woman (& kids) are in the process of leaving it is the most dangerous time for them
Most of this cohort of SAHMs will not realize they’re with abusers until many years from now, until there is suddenly discovery of something big she can’t deny anymore. Like an affair or CSAM material found on his computer. And she will see a need to get to safety. Until that point, she will reject your messages, and might even verbally attack you for the mere suggestion her man is the problem and he can never change. Best resources are Chump Lady dot com, and Betrayal Trauma Recovery (btr) dot org and especially the Betrayal Trauma Recovery podcast. The book “Trauma Mama Husband Drama” (a picture book for traumatized wives) by Anne Blythe is simple, digestible for the traumatized brain. They get it! Also a couple of TV series “Big Little Lies” (HBO films) and “Maid” (Netflix). Very helpful in understanding abuse dynamics.
As someone who’s been through it and managed to leave with the kids, I’m sorry to say it doesn’t get better after leaving and there may be resources but they either a) won’t be able to help you in any concrete way or b) just using a resource can hurt the mom in family court.
Almost no woman’s DV resources can hook you up with money or employment. They may have legal advocates but they can’t help you get a lawyer or give you legal advice. Women’s shelters will not share any info with the courts that can prove you were abused —their policy is non-cooperation. If you have no money and go to a women’s shelter to escape —the court may give your kids to your abuser (their dad) because you have no stable residence and no income. The only way to avoid this is a evidence of physical abuse such as medical reports and police reports. No police reports means no one will side with you in court. Document his texts, emails, phone calls, and f*ck ups. If you have no hard evidence and you cry abuse, you won’t be believed —even by your own lawyer. You must not have a mental breakdown or show any signs of weakness.
Don’t leave unless you have money for three months rent and a job lined up. Or, don’t leave unless you have friends or family to stay with who have a clean, stable place you could in theory stay for up to 6 months without serious issue. It’s important to present yourself as a financially and mentally stable parent and as the primary caregiver.
Hire a lawyer before you leave. Write a parenting agreement with a preferred visitation schedule before you leave. Understand that mediation is not recommended if the other parent is abusive. File for custody immediately. It matters who files first —don’t give him a chance. Your abuser will use family court against you. He will lie and slander you in the paperwork, his lawyer will slander you in front of the judge, and you will have to not react as any reaction will make the judge side with him. Judges are incredibly unpredictabl, but many side with abuser. Understand that most family court cases over custody of kids can take a minimum of three years, but many abusers will take you back to court over and over until the kids become adults. Understand that divorce can take 2-3 years. Understand that you will most likely be forced to co-parent with your abusive ex for the remainder of your kids’ childhood and that he will use the kids to punish you and exert coercive control over you and the court won’t care.
The most accurate “resource” for me has been Lundy Bancroft interviews on youtube as his current project is championing mothers who get screwed in court. The problem is that it’s not the moms who need the education and resources —it’s the judges, lawyers, mediators, and ppl doing the home visit evaluations who need them.
Overall, don’t have kids. It’s hard to fully love and appreciate them when their existence allows your abuser to legally stay in your life against your will so that your mental and physical health complete deteriorate from the stress. There is no freedom for women who have children with an abusive man. The only freedom is won by luck —that your abuser is the type to abandon the kids and never see them again.
One more thing —if you are a single mom —be very CAREFUL if you date. I don’t recommend it unless you keep your kids away from your dates, even if one becomes a serious boyfriend. Keep the kids and romance separate. The laws are different state to state, but a man you date who isn’t your baby daddy can claim parental rights to your child just from dating you (especially if he lived with you) and the court will grant it just because he asked and any court orders you have for your baby daddy don’t apply to him. This means you will have to share decision-making and custody with the bum you dated on top of your abusive baby daddy (ask me how I know).
There is an app called Peanut, by moms for mo ms. Idk how it actually is tho, I'm childless and I keep getting ads for it?