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Hello all,
It is Christmas time and my mom is a raging narcissist, so life is great right now.
My parents are hosting a bunch of my younger cousins (all male, <13 years old). I am the oldest cousin (female, which I think is an important detail for later).
Long story short, I was waiting in my mom's bedroom (because the bathroom was occupied by my brother) while she was sitting on the bed. My little cousin comes in and asks, "who is in the bathroom?". I say, "oh, Jason (brother) is in the bathroom." The kid is completely fine and goes "ok" and walks out.
My mom- "omg. Your voice is so rough with him."
Me- wut
Her- "like your tone is so harsh/mean. He's just a kid."
Me-....there's nothing wrong with my voice and he didn't interpret it that way. You're projecting a situation that doesn't exist.
Her- continues explaining why my tone was "incorrect" somehow
I ended up calling her out by saying, "I hate when you do that. You put things in peoples heads that aren't even real and try to make them self-conscious about things that aren't even issues. I'm not going to argue about a problem that doesn't exist."
My brother had left at this point, so I finally went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and left her saying some (sexist) nonsense about ToNe in the background.
I even went to my younger cousin just to double check and just like my intuition said, he didn't even notice anything and wanted me to watch funny YouTube shorts with him. I came back to tell her that he didn't even notice anything and told her that she needs to stop projecting her self-consciousness onto other people.
Then right as I said GN and walked out she was like, "oh my back is hurting, etc etc etc"
Me- ok, GN closes door
I've spent years working on not being anxious over stupid shit that doesn't matter outside of the narcissists made-up fantasy land, and I hate when they try to put worries into your head that aren't even legit. Such a waste of energy. It's exhausting to be demonized for simply existing.
At this point, I will own being the demon child, because at least the demon child gets to be free.
Can anyone relate? Narcissistic parents set you up for pickme thoughts and hyper-attentiveness that takes YEARS to undo. They can rot.
Im very sorry to hear about that. I went no contact with my narc mother 10 years ago. It made my life so much better. If you can (I know I know it's not that easy) go no contact, too. She will continue poisoning your thoughts and project her own shitty self onto you to make herself feel better in her own lonely disturbed narc-fantasyland. Wish you all the best.
I have one too. Going no contact is the absolute best. You don't realize how these shitty little comments undermine you until you're away. They don't respect boundaries and it's too much work with no reward to have people like this in your life. The sooner you can break free, the better. Stay sane this holiday
I’m so sorry. my father is also a raging piece of shit narcissis. he can’t sit still for 5 mins without saying a deprecating or snide “joke” or comment to stir bullshit up. He used to be physically violent when I was a child and is now still emotionally abusive as hell.
i went no contact with both of my parents for several years which helped and reconnected with my mother out of loneliness and hoping she changed a bit which she had. I try to avoid my father as much as possible but sadly my mother is a pickme for him
Dealing with narcissists is a drain on your soul. The only thing that kills them is silence.
i hope you can remove your mom from your life if not then grey rock her and go low contact at the least
This is completely unnecessary of her. I also have a narcissistic mother and toxic family dynamic and it will never change. just slowly reduce your confidence in how confident you feel in relating to others. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHAT YOU DID. Just the context (toxic family) is to blame. I’m so sorry it sucks I know. There is a great YouTube video by a therapist called Jay reid who posts about how as a family scapegoat there is nothing wrong with how you love people. I am struggling to unlearn these habits too. Lots of love
My ex-MIL was a narcissist and when she tried it with me I was bewildered. I actually thought she was mentally ill at first. I have such sympathy for anyone who had to experience it when young or vulnerable, especially if it was your parent.
Mine is a covert borderline. She was very high functioning, and my doormat dad was a huge enabler. My mother was the moody, rageaholic kind to ruin vacations, holidays, and big life events. Her entire side of the family enabled her terribly. Had to go no contact with her and all of her enabler blood relatives eventually. Should have done that much sooner!
Cant recommend no contact(when possible) enough. Not all pickmes are narcs, but all narc women are pickmes. Let the male family forget to care for/about her when the time comes. 🤷
I'm so sorry, love. Having a narc mother sounds like a nightmare. The thing about Cluster B personality disorders is that they have a tendency to really dramatize things that aren't really happening in reality, or in normal people's minds. You might have told someone to do something one day like normal, but to a narcissistic, you were being too rough. You could forget to send something in the group chat and suddenly the borderline there has a meltdown and is convinced that you're plotting to abandon them all today. So on so forth.
They have very black and white thinking. As long as you keep your distance and grey rock, you can survive the holidays with your mother. *hugs*
I relate to this x1000. At the moment I’ve been limiting contact with my narcissistic mom which includes my dad just because he is a heavy enabler. I’m trying to focus on unlearning a lot of different insecurities she’s projected. This only began because my husband had started to refuse to be around her due to her constant need to lie to try and manipulating people. If I’m not looking my best when I see her she will tell me my husband will leave me for a “pretty Hispanic woman”. My husband is Latino and I’m black. It always made me feel so shitty and like I needed to tap dance to keep my spouse interested in me.
Even though she's full of crap, this is making me so curious what she thinks the right "tone" is. Is she one of those people who think you have to put on a baby voice when you talk to children, otherwise it's "too harsh"? 😆
You handled it with grace, though! I'm never quick enough on my feet to be as cogent as you when dealing with people's bullshit in real time.
I was a pickme and not by choice. It was usually family members who inflicted the pickme mindset.