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What do you wish someone would have told you before you picked the father of your kid or before you had your kids? What advice would you give to women who are yet to be mothers? What do you wish you would have been prepared for?
I find myself wondering what I would need to be equipped with before having kids. Would I need to work towards my finances to afford a nanny/housekeeper or a chose a man who can afford those things? Would it consume my life completely as I've seen it consume some of my married friends? Should I prepare for a slow down in my career? What advise do you have for us?
One of my friends said and I quote "you have to make sure you have them only when you're completely ready" and I don't even know what completely ready would mean for me. Another was trying to find a remote job and told me: "The child care is overwhelming for me and I'm tempted to resign my job at the bank."
I had two other friends who got pregnant like two or three months into their marriage and when the baby came, all they talked about was changing their jobs to something less ambitious that would allow them stay at home or close early. Meanwhile their husband's lives remain largely unchanged.
Edit: feel like I'm being are stalked in record time. As soon as I made this post, and opened Netflix the first recommendation on the app was a show called "Working moms". 🤦♀️
Great questions!
I am full of regret because I didn't have FDS as a young woman. I am glad you have it. 🥰
TLDR: get therapy, hold fast to FDS principles, do NOT date, mate or reproduce until you are strong, healed and Levelled Up. Men can ruin (or end!) your life, if you're not careful. The stakes are higher than for anything else: career choice, education, health, kids/no kids - everything depends on avoiding bad men.
DEETS: I had a traumatic childhood that trained me to ignore my feelings, put up with abuse, and told me I wasn't worthy of love. I had no boundaries and was desperate for any scrap of kindness or affection.
Then because I was so emotionally desperate for a community, I got sucked into a religion that told women to marry young and have kids, and submit to their husbands. The religion also promised that the men were godly, loving providers who shun porn and respect women as helpmeets. We were promised that "god would see" and reward us for our good behavior, and that even if life sucks, everything will be made right in Heaven. It was a total set-up for me to marry an abusive selfish nut-job, expect nothing as a wife, and to put him first in everything I did. We had three children, he was a terrible, lazy provider (we were very poor), and I put up with his bullshit for 13 years.
My depression grew, and I became suicidal after my third baby was born. I desperately needed to escape. All my emotions were bottled up and blew out sideways. Also around this time, I discovered my ex was a porn addict, which was a deal breaker for me. So I had a revenge affair and left my husband. It was messy and ugly. Of course it was the wrong way to leave my marriage, and I regret it very much. The religious community punished me with exile, and my ex continues to do everything he can to make my life hell. He has NEVER gotten over my leaving him, though he's been married for 13 years to a religious women doctor who pays all his bills. Fuck that guy. 😠
Because I still had the religious BS clinging to me, and I was scared to death to be alone, I jumped from man to man trying to find some stability. This was bad for my children. I chose religious men who seemed to be kind and "moral" (whatever that means lol), but they were always abusive liars, hiding behind a cloak of scrote audacity.
My kids are 25, 22 and 18 today. They turned out really well in spite of all my mistakes. I love them so much and I constantly apologize for putting them through everything: my terrible choice of father (they can't stand him, he's proven to be a real dick even to his own kids), two terrible other men in their lives, and a mom who didn't love herself enough to choose better.
ADVICE: Your choices today will affect you, your finances, your emotional well being, maybe even your death. They'll affect your children, future generations, and every single day of your future life. The #1 risk you will take is to partner with a man. Be VERY VERY CAREFUL before letting any man into your life. He will either make you, or he will break you (and your kids).
I'm still pissed that out of all of society: men, women, friends, family - nobody warned me. It was only "find a man - quick!" And "support him, love him, sacrifice everything, and he'll give back to you." Bullshit, bullshit bullshit. I was always told that "HE is the Prize." Liars all. I remember asking my mom in 6th grade: "how come men commit all the murders and rapes and war and violence?" She brushed my question aside as too negative. She shut down my natural instincts and powers of observation, leaving me helpless against a world full of monsters. 🤯
TODAY: I know better now. I am stable, happy, secure, and I have a peaceful life full of loving friends and wonderful experiences. I got therapy. I make good money. I went to grad school and got my MBA. I respect and love myself. My kiddos are doing well. I'm still fit and attractive, even at 51. I no longer care if men notice me (I avoid them). I travel the world and I love my work. But ooh boy, the road sucked. Don't be me. 🥺
I am soooo grateful for FDS - it's like the only place where people don't tell me I'm crazy for being negative about men. The only place where porn & strippers are actually bad and exploitative of women. Where even GoT is considered gross. Where everyone agrees that men should be treated as suspect FIRST, and to slowly, carefully observe them before putting trust in ANY man.
This stuff is so basic! It's so obvious! How come society keeps denying the truth, that most men are dangerous and must be handled with care?
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 😂